The need to believe?

[*Deidre*]

This. You have no idea how this ^^^ has helped me. You disbelieve, yet also at times, are conflicted. My atheist friends offline don't share their conflicts, so I assume that they have none with their position. But, while I'm not happy that you and others experience this, I'm grateful that this might just be a human thing, and I'm not all that out there for feeling this. 

Oh, it's totally a "human thing". I have not regressed to theism at any time since leaving it but it was nevertheless a loss that I had to grieve like any other loss. For many believers it's a loss of most of their social support system; they go from insiders to incurring the wrath sometimes of church and family and friends. I was luckier than that by far ... no huge social consequences, but I found I had long-established habits like praying about little things throughout the day, which was a somewhat calming / centering to do and it took me a long time to be at peace with the notion that no one was listening or reacting to that. I knew that was true intellectually, but dropping the "arrow prayers" was highly symbolic, and the human mind deals in symbols.

So sure you have little doubts / regrets now and then until you re-acclimate fully. Atheism is a "new reality" or "new normal". A new relationship with reality, actually. It takes some getting used to. No sane person would deny that, although it's been my experience that in the long run, it's a far better relationship with reality.

I like your posts, mordant. A relationship with reality, I like that. 
You're a wise man.

---

I never use the word "spirituality", it is highly subjective and started in a very superstitious past.

So what? Words are repurposed all the time. That's the word that fits my obviously subjective feelings. Whether or not you agree with my usage, enough people are generous enough to extend to me understanding when I use it this way that I find the word itself useful. I'm doing so in this case because I think Deidre understands my usage, and I was trying to communicate my take on it in reply to her question. You're welcome to see it this way or not as you see fit, but applying your definition to my sense of it is obviously inaccurate (as I've already made clear in the post which has garnered this reply of yours).

I get the same feelings too. But that to me is merely my body having a positive reaction to stimuli. My "sense of awe" and yes, that can be intense.

But knowing that while the universe has some really awesome things in it, it also has lots of extremely destructive and deadly things in it too. I am extremely amazed with all the countless factors that could have ended up with a different result but didn't, that we are here. But I see no grand design in the universe and do not see it as a giant living thing. I simply see both the good and the bad in it as natural with no super cognition behind it. But certainly our planet and universe have some damned amazing things in it, certainly.

Yeah, as I already said, I attach no faith nor woo to the word in my usage. If it still offends you, oh well. Your offense is not my responsibility.

---

I wish I could give you 1000 kudos! I love this, it has the makings of a great religion. 

Oh wait



No seriously though, I think this is how I'm feeling and the need in me to call it god, well it's just a need in me based on habit.

Call it what you will, ma'am. You're a good person and that's what is really important so far as I'm concerned. I know how hard it was for me when I lost my faith ... so I don't hold anyone else's struggles with preconceived or preprogrammed notions against them.

---

So sure you have little doubts / regrets now and then until you re-acclimate fully. Atheism is a "new reality" or "new normal". A new relationship with reality, actually. It takes some getting used to. No sane person would deny that, although it's been my experience that in the long run, it's a far better relationship with reality.

I spent the first five years of my disbelief wandering through fields of woo and charlatanism and other forms of superstition. Dispensing with my beliefs wasn't hard, but dispensing with the need to believe was indeed difficult. And to Khem's point, I do find myself at times thinking, "Of course I don't believe this crap any more, but what about this coincidence, or that lucky ending ... and that old siren song still clearly echoes in my brain. And I've been an atheist for almost four decades. "What are the odds?!" I ask myself. And then, well, I pick up a calculator and get to work.

It's these types of responses I was hopeful of when creating this thread. I felt for the most part, great, when I was an atheist, until I was faced with an everyday challenge such as my grandmother becoming ill and then dying. But even people of faith struggle with death, maybe just making sense of not seeing your loved one anymore, and just coping with that void. That void that I started scurrying to fill, and yet felt like I was leaving something that made sense to me (atheism), on a different level than religion or faith ever did. Faith doesn't make sense at all, and maybe it doesn't have to, but it's almost like you have to let go of part of yourself that makes you....you. And that is your intellect. Faith makes me feel good, secure, and comforted, but then it also causes me to wonder why so many people who believe are tortured for their faith, or why faith tests us. It seems like things we tell ourselves as believers to get through the tough times. The tough times come whether you're a believer or not, and faith doesn't make them easier, I'm finding. I think that's why I'm back at a crossroads because it's not promising what it used to. Or maybe I'm seeing it more for what it is, my clinging to thoughts that used to serve me well when I stopped questioning. As long as I don't question......

I'm glad you shared this.

---

I don't know what I'm doing wrong with quotes anymore. But, hope that ^^ makes sense. lol!