The need to believe?

[*Deidre*]

So, when you're processing things, the way I am right now, you realize that a day with a god, is really a day without you imagining one. How should I say this, but if a god exists, he/it is there, whether I believe or not, right? But, that's just it. If I stop believing, all of the ''powers'' that I've bestowed upon a deity...were really all in my imagination. That's just so crazy to think of it that way.

This is progress.

I'm still not sure how you wound up thinking otherwise in the first place, lol.   Your believing in a god didn't seem to have anything to do with gods, or any external component whatsoever.  

Are you familiar with idolization, godhead, and focal ritualism?

But you can convince yourself of a lot of things, if fear is the main motivator. Fear of not believing. Fear of emptiness. Fear of anything causing me to feel discomfort. Not even fear of a god, but fear of one's self without the idea of the god in one's life. That's the thing. Of course we feel discomfort in our lives from time to time, but when you convince yourself that you have this crutch all the time to sort of help you hobble your way through it, you aren't as afraid. Since I was a young child, I was taught this, and it was all wrapped up in ''faith is a mystery.'' But, I feel really optimistic about the future now, unlike before when I went through this. Before, I think it was more of the determination that I thought like an atheist, but I didn't bother to think of the emotional side of it. But, maybe it all had to play out this way, for now my conclusion is not only on an intellectual front, but also on an emotional one. I simply don't want to hold onto the crutch of religion anymore, because it's a crutch of my own making. 

(And tbh, laziness plays a factor too, I mean...it's not easy to examine your true reasons for why you believe what you believe. So you rug sweep, and say...well, I was taught this, or I don't believe ALL of it, or I don't believe the BAD things about the faith, and so on. So there's a certain amount of complacency that goes on in a believer's mind, I think, when they start bumping up against doubts about their beliefs. Complacency is a safe space, in some ways. But, eventually, your doubts continue to grow and like the show Hoarders...you have a huge mess on your hands, that takes a lot more sorting through.)

It's easy to say if you've never struggled with something like this ...''well, your mind knows the truth, so that should be enough.'' But, we are more than just our thoughts, or intellect. We have emotions and while they shouldn't govern us, we can sometimes find comfort in the strangest things. Even make believe things.

So, when you're processing things, the way I am right now, you realize that a day with a god, is really a day without you imagining one. How should I say this, but if a god exists, he/it is there, whether I believe or not, right? But, that's just it. If I stop believing, all of the ''powers'' that I've bestowed upon a deity...were really all in my imagination. That's just so crazy to think of it that way.

This is progress.

If I could rep you again for this comment, I would. Your willingness to critically evaluate your emotions, the way you check back against reality, the way you seek different perspectives to help your thinking, the way you ask for review and external input... I'm truly impressed. You're quite the role model, young lady.

You're too kind Ben!! I feel some days like a failure for having been weak after my grandmother's death, but I can't change it. I'm glad to have this community, and my own friends offline, who are super supportive.