The need to believe?

[mordant]

Today's been a rough day. I'm thinking about my grandmother and some of the bad parts of my childhood and coming to terms with it, faith-free. That's weird to no longer convince myself that all this pain is for a grand plan of God. It's ok to hurt and feel the pain of losing someone important and not finding excuses for it. More progress

You can do this :-)

Grief and loss has been described by researchers as a "grief spiral", something that comes and goes, hits you again just when you think maybe you have it handled, but each "wave" is of overall gradually decreasing amplitude. These things get better; allow them to happen. Each "bad" day is just your subconscious spoon feeding your new reality to you. "Bad" days mean you're moving along through the process. It seems unending, but it's finite.

Grief isn't just for grandma, it's also for the "bad parts" of one's childhood or anything else you lost, feel cheated out of, or whatever.

Go ahead and feel what you feel, and know that it's normal.

I hope it passes quickly, and that you can move on to acceptance, integration, and ultimately, better days.