(September 22, 2017 at 2:44 am)J a c k Wrote: CIJSYou're a good person, Ivy.
How are you even in my "people you may know"? We don't have friends in common. I knew who you were the moment I saw your face. I didn't need to dig too much to confirm it was you. My heart isn't really listening to my brain. In my head I'm thinking... We've grown out of this. It's gone. We're ok. You're safe now anyway. I shouldn't dwell. I've gotten so much better. Don't take a look. Stop it.
My heart is racing. I'm six again. I'm seven again. I'm eight again. There's that door again. I should do something again. It's my fault.
My head... in my head I know I was just about my son's age. He's a baby. How could he ever be at fault of anything? But in my heart I'm so sorry I didn't save you. Hey... I'm so fucking sorry. I'm eternally sorry. I can't stop being sorry.
Hey, there's not a day that goes by that I don't live with guilt. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel the heaviness of your face, your tears, your voice. And it's true that I paid with my own scars, but hey, look... I wish I had called for help. I wish I had been smarter. I wish I had been wiser. I wish I had been brave.
I'm looking at your face in the book of faces and want to reach out, can't reach out, should reach out, will not reach out...
I don't know where you are standing, but I was just beginning to walk away from that door, and now you're here, and I'm back to standing still. If you see me, too, I hope you can see it in my face. I'm still so sorry. I should have been your hero. I should have changed our now. I didn't know. I was scared. I'm sorry.
*hugs*