Autism Spectrum Disorder

[Edwardo Piet]

Hammy, do you think religion is one big scam? Yes? Sorry, nothing wrong with your brain... Go get a job...now!

It doesn’t work that way.

Hammy, listen to your professionals. They know best. I’m happy you got answers! When my son was diagnosed, it was a relief to finally know. We love you, hamz!

You're making me all bashful hehe. Love ya too.

Yes, the professionals are being very patient and gentle with me. And it doesn't feel condescending at all! It feels cosy hehe. It feels like I'm NOT being nagged at... which is nice!

They're exchanging emails with me and have already contacted a support worker but told them that I need to be prepared first. And I do. But I'm excited hehe. The support worker is going to meet up with me somewhere nearby in my local area as I don't feel comfortable meeting people I don't know in my home. My home just feels like my safe space. Not like a repugnant anti-free speech safe space that I always complain about.... not one of those ideas of "Here is a place where you can be where no one will say mean things to you" YUCK. No. I mean like a literal physical space where I feel like no one is gonna be there to watch me do stuff. Yes in that sense as well. Of course I wouldn't mind if they were hot but that's another topic....

ANYWAY. Perhaps I should say comfort zone. I'm trying to come out of my comfort zone but at least now I know why my comfort zone is so small and I tend to have a breakdown when I try to break out of it so quickly. It's not because I'm lazy or damaged or blah blah blah.... it's not even pure social anxiety or lack of confidence. I've always struggled to develop my comfort zone because I have a developmental disorder. It all makes sense now. So now the professionals can help me pace myself properly. I always found that whenever I tried to move at the same speed as everyone else I'd have a breakdown and end up in hospital. Since I learned that I have to be careful I've avoided many stressors and stayed home a lot. At least that has been an OPTION for the last two years because I've lived alone so I don't have anyone I live with making me do stuff before I'm ready or telling me what to do when I don't feel ready.

So I'm right to avoid things that overwhelm me but I still want to move out to my comfort zone eventually. I've been here feeling like I'd be stuck forever at this rate but at least happy that I'm no longer ending up in hospital and getting ill. And at least I can take things one step at a time even if my life isn't really going anywhere. At least I can COPE.

But, I really do want to progress. And I feel like I will now. I can go at a pace that the professionals judge is right for me, rather than wondering why I can't keep up with anyone else without getting unwell, or without isolating myself completely forever.

But I also have to understand that even when I progress, I shouldn't expect myself to reach the level of everyone else if I am a little different. If I have a developmental disorder, then I shouldn't be so hard on myself when I struggle to develop. The important thing is to be safe, healthy and happy.

Another thing is... being social is important for my health. But I don't need to worry so much about if it's healthy for me to enjoy spending so much time alone because that's rather normal for autism. I should get out there and make friends and meet people, and I will. But needing so much time alone afterwards to cool off when most people would consider it excessive, may be abnormal for most people.... but it's normal for me. And if I feel fine and not depressed (another thing is my emotions are a lot more disconnected than most peoples.... I can express emotions in order to attempt to fit in with people but it's hard for me to know what it even means to actually feel them (and I don't actually know how y'all judges what you really feel and what you don't really feel but feel like you feel..... and I don't feel emotions in my body)... if I'm okay I'm okay. I'm just happy that with support I may actually have a life! I am happy day to day, but my life doesn't usually move forwards, or backwards. So I am excited about possible future progress.

Again, I'm just not going to be too hard on myself if my potential is not infinite when it comes to my development. With support I may be able to develop a lot further than without support, but I won't be too hard on myself or feel like a loser if I can't develop to a level that most people are at, in many ways.

In some ways I'm beyond them anyways, and they can't see what I see, so who cares, hehe.

Above all... I don't feel like a weirdo or a loser now because I no longer blame myself for struggling to develop.... and I feel more quirky than "weird" now.