Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[J a c k]

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Cijs- It’s been a few years since we’ve talked. I wish I could have said so many things. I wish I could have went through all the old photos with you instead in preparation for your funeral. I wish so many things. I know you had a long life but it should have been longer. Part of me is angry with you. Part of me wants to know how you could do this to everyone who loved and cared for you, especially grandma. Did you consider how this would affect her? Did you feel guilty for knowing she’d have to find you like that, for knowing she’d have to live the rest of her life remembering you like that? I don’t want to be angry though, my heart is broken for you. For knowing that you were all alone in that moment, and for knowing just how it feels to get to that point. My heart is broken for everyone. I only got a few days to deal with this and now I have to force myself to go back to normal life, pretending things are normal is harder than I thought it would be. I cried again today. I’ll probably cry again tomorrow. Everyone says time will ease the pain, but in my experience it doesn’t, it just makes it easier to pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I want to hug everyone I’ve ever loved. I want to take every chance I get to show people just how much they mean to me. I want to take more pictures, and make more memories. I’ve given up on my hatred of hugs. Life is too short to not hug people.

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Oh, Losty. My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss.