I haven't been around here in a few days.
Monday morning my big brother killed himself.
If you'd given me a pen and paper and told me to write down all possible bad news messages I could or would ever receive that day or in the entire future history of the world I could have written 1,000,000 other possibilities before I'd ever have had that one even remotely hit my radar.
My sister-in-law (the one I cherish, not the bitchster-in-law) lost her husband of over forty years. My FATHER lost his oldest child.
My grown nieces lost their FATHER.
My great-niece lost her cherished grandfather. She's not quite ten. How is she EVER going to process this? Understand this? her little brother isn't old enough to ask questions, He will never know his grandfather He would have been the apple of his eye.
My other brother and I lost our brother.
He was not dying. He was not sick. He was not in financial trouble. He was a vibrant, active, healthy 69 year old man with many, many more wonderful years ahead of him. He was retired and he went out shag dancing with his wife every week. He was an officer in his shag club. They traveled whenever and wherever they wanted to since retiring a few years back. Cruises, weekend trips, and always and especially the SOS dance at Myrtle Beach. He had two grandchildren he adored, a nice home and regular visits with the grandbabies. And most of all, he had a family that LOVED him. There is no question that it was not accidental. It was one properly placed, intentional shot.
We are all stunned. Flabbergasted, gobsmacked, floored. He was a very active person physically and mentally. He had a WICKEDLY mischievous sense of humor. When I got the first phone call there were several moments when I honestly thought that he had taken his sick, twisted sense of humor (a trait I fully share) TOO FAR this time, and that this, THIS, was way over the line, to try to make me believe that he would do this to himself. I simply couldn't believe it. It was, and in many ways, still is, incomprehensible.
This week has been like we've entered a twilight zone version of Jerry Springer.
I have finally gotten back home. Alone, except for my dogs. The King is back at the coast.
The horror of it all just keeps coming in wave after wave.
I'm going to insert here, my utter....... amazement..... at the .......................ability......of the funeral home to............have an open casket funeral and ........have my brother not only look 100% like "himself," but also to even have him even have a lifelike, small smile on his face. His normal, natural "look." After having stuck a 357 Magnum under his chin and blown his brains out.
Lowlights of this week include (the opposite of highlights in case that wasn't clear) without yet getting into ANY details as to"why".......
Wednesday I was put into the position of having to implore/plead with his widow and children for my father and other brother to be allowed to attend the visitation and funeral.
Thursday I had to eject my father and brother from the funeral home visitation when they "overstayed" their time beyond what I had "negotiated" on their behalf.
Friday I, my husband and my Childperson sat with my father (across the room with considerable distance between us and the rest of my brother's family) at the open casket funeral of my father's first born son, on my late mother's birthday.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally depleted.
That's just really all I can say right now.
Monday morning my big brother killed himself.
If you'd given me a pen and paper and told me to write down all possible bad news messages I could or would ever receive that day or in the entire future history of the world I could have written 1,000,000 other possibilities before I'd ever have had that one even remotely hit my radar.
My sister-in-law (the one I cherish, not the bitchster-in-law) lost her husband of over forty years. My FATHER lost his oldest child.
My grown nieces lost their FATHER.
My great-niece lost her cherished grandfather. She's not quite ten. How is she EVER going to process this? Understand this? her little brother isn't old enough to ask questions, He will never know his grandfather He would have been the apple of his eye.
My other brother and I lost our brother.
He was not dying. He was not sick. He was not in financial trouble. He was a vibrant, active, healthy 69 year old man with many, many more wonderful years ahead of him. He was retired and he went out shag dancing with his wife every week. He was an officer in his shag club. They traveled whenever and wherever they wanted to since retiring a few years back. Cruises, weekend trips, and always and especially the SOS dance at Myrtle Beach. He had two grandchildren he adored, a nice home and regular visits with the grandbabies. And most of all, he had a family that LOVED him. There is no question that it was not accidental. It was one properly placed, intentional shot.
We are all stunned. Flabbergasted, gobsmacked, floored. He was a very active person physically and mentally. He had a WICKEDLY mischievous sense of humor. When I got the first phone call there were several moments when I honestly thought that he had taken his sick, twisted sense of humor (a trait I fully share) TOO FAR this time, and that this, THIS, was way over the line, to try to make me believe that he would do this to himself. I simply couldn't believe it. It was, and in many ways, still is, incomprehensible.
This week has been like we've entered a twilight zone version of Jerry Springer.
I have finally gotten back home. Alone, except for my dogs. The King is back at the coast.
The horror of it all just keeps coming in wave after wave.
I'm going to insert here, my utter....... amazement..... at the .......................ability......of the funeral home to............have an open casket funeral and ........have my brother not only look 100% like "himself," but also to even have him even have a lifelike, small smile on his face. His normal, natural "look." After having stuck a 357 Magnum under his chin and blown his brains out.
Lowlights of this week include (the opposite of highlights in case that wasn't clear) without yet getting into ANY details as to"why".......
Wednesday I was put into the position of having to implore/plead with his widow and children for my father and other brother to be allowed to attend the visitation and funeral.
Thursday I had to eject my father and brother from the funeral home visitation when they "overstayed" their time beyond what I had "negotiated" on their behalf.
Friday I, my husband and my Childperson sat with my father (across the room with considerable distance between us and the rest of my brother's family) at the open casket funeral of my father's first born son, on my late mother's birthday.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally depleted.
That's just really all I can say right now.
Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
