SQUAWKS!
October 3, 2011 at 10:46 am
(This post was last modified: October 3, 2011 at 10:51 am by Welsh cake.)
I throw away nothing. Looking through the attic I came across an old issue of New Scientist magazine (old new scientist I guess?). I skimmed over until I found one article that had an actual list of real-life maintenance complaints from US Air Force pilots. The problems listed are referred to by engineers as "Squawks" to bring their attention to any kind of mechanical fault identified within the aircraft. Directly below them were the submitted responses from the maintenance crews' logs to record what corrective action had been taken for the next flight.
New Scientist editor reviewed them below and commented to be afraid. Be very afraid.
Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Engineer: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilot: Weather radar went ape.
Engineer: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.
Pilot: Test flight OK. except auto-land very rough.
Engineer: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineer: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Engineer: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineer: Live bugs on back order.
Pilot: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Engineer: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineer: Cat installed.
Pilot: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet descent.
Engineer: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineer: Evidence removed.
Pilot: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Engineer: Wound clock.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineer: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: 3 roaches in cabin.
Engineer: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineer: That's what they're there for.
Pilot: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Engineer: Number 2 propeller seepage normal. Numbers 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Pilot: IFF inoperative.
Engineer: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Engineer: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Engineer: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 2 ADF needle running wild.
Engineer: Caught and tamed the Number 2 ADF needle.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineer: Engine found on right wind after brief search.
Pilot: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Engineer: Fresh seat cushion on order.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineer: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up. Fly right, and be serious."
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineer: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
Pilot: Unfamiliar noise coming from Number 2 engine.
Engineer: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineer: Took hammer away from midget.
Pilot: The autopilot doesn't-
Engineer: IT DOES NOW.
New Scientist editor reviewed them below and commented to be afraid. Be very afraid.
Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Engineer: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilot: Weather radar went ape.
Engineer: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.
Pilot: Test flight OK. except auto-land very rough.
Engineer: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineer: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Engineer: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineer: Live bugs on back order.
Pilot: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Engineer: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineer: Cat installed.
Pilot: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet descent.
Engineer: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineer: Evidence removed.
Pilot: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Engineer: Wound clock.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineer: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: 3 roaches in cabin.
Engineer: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineer: That's what they're there for.
Pilot: Number 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Engineer: Number 2 propeller seepage normal. Numbers 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Pilot: IFF inoperative.
Engineer: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Engineer: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Engineer: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 2 ADF needle running wild.
Engineer: Caught and tamed the Number 2 ADF needle.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineer: Engine found on right wind after brief search.
Pilot: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Engineer: Fresh seat cushion on order.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineer: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up. Fly right, and be serious."
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineer: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
Pilot: Unfamiliar noise coming from Number 2 engine.
Engineer: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineer: Took hammer away from midget.
Pilot: The autopilot doesn't-
Engineer: IT DOES NOW.
