That was my story of OCD in a couple of paragraphs. Now, I'll move onto the "Pure OCD" part, which is the topic of this thread.
Well, basically, the repetitive thoughts were very stressful and they used to take up a lot of my time. I had a feeling that I could instantly make these thoughts go away by thinking about them. But, once I start the repetitive thought process, I started to get trapped in a kind of strange loop which made me want to think about the same thing over and over again. And the more I thought about it, the more it was wasting my time. I didn't even feel like resting, eating, nor sleeping until I "finish" these thoughts. Sometimes I used to sit, stand, or walk back and forth for more than half an hour because of having these compulsive thoughts.
What kind of things did I used to think about? They were just random little things that an average person without OCD can easily ignore without even trying to ignore them. The thoughts were oftentimes things I would imagine were they to happen differently or if I did something differently. Then, I would try to replay the sequence of events in my head in the order that they happened while substituting what I imagined would happen if I did something differently. I also had a urge for thinking about them in a certain way or a certain number of times.
But, repeatedly, I used to think that I missed a step or that I "messed up" somewhere along the thought process and that is what used to cause me to go back and start all over again.
Along with repetitive thoughts, I also used to have certain repetitive actions or movements. For example, when typing something, I would delete a sentence or a word and type it again in the same way. I felt like I had to press the buttons on the keyboard in a certain way and not on the sides or the edges of the buttons. Or when I was reading something, I would oftentimes go back and read the same sentence several times, or even a whole paragraph several times. This is used to take me a lot of time and that's why I couldn't finish my homeworks quickly. Sometimes I would fall asleep on my desk after 1:00 AM, but I still kept going.
However, I think that the compulsive thoughts were more stressful to me compared to the compulsive actions. It became even more stressful when I tried to ignore the thoughts or when I tried to suppress them from my mind. For some reason, they always came back to me. When I tried to ignore them, it felt to me as if there was an unfinished task or something that is waiting to be completed. That's why I always wanted to return to the compulsive thoughts that were frequently looming over my head. I didn't want to stop thinking about them until I could completely chase them out of my mind. But, the irony is that the more I tried to make them go away through my conscious effort, the deeper and more compulsive the thoughts grew. They just kept getting more and more difficult to escape from.
Eventually, I was somehow able to come out of this mental illness after having it for nearly three years. I think part of it had to to with my weekly therapy sessions for the first two years. A second reason is because of my own investigation of the mechanisms that occur while having these compulsive thoughts. I was also reading books and doing research on topics like self-awareness, mindfulness, how to focus on the present moment, how to break bad habits, and things like that. So, I think that gaining knowledge of my own actions and thoughts helped to me further overcome the OCD aspects behind them.
It was difficult at first, but it started to get easier and easier as I worked on killing my OCD. There might be other physiological factors that caused my OCD to wane away as time went on.
I still have a very, very small trace of OCD in me because sometimes I get an urge to repeat one of my actions such as closing the door, or putting my glass down after washing it (and lifting it and putting it down again) to hear the sound of the action a certain number of times, or counting my heartbeats a certain number of times, but they are much less frequent than before and the moment I think of ignoring them, the urge to do them automatically goes away. These compulsions do not waste my time as they used to do before. And I can concentrate on whatever that I'm doing at the moment.
So, presently, the intensity of the compulsions are very low and they may last only for a few seconds. I don't think that I need any medication for these brief and minor compulsions because I've been feeling totally normal and healthy for the past seven years after overcoming my OCD. Sometimes I get only one or two compulsions a day and most of the days I don't even feel anything.
Well, basically, the repetitive thoughts were very stressful and they used to take up a lot of my time. I had a feeling that I could instantly make these thoughts go away by thinking about them. But, once I start the repetitive thought process, I started to get trapped in a kind of strange loop which made me want to think about the same thing over and over again. And the more I thought about it, the more it was wasting my time. I didn't even feel like resting, eating, nor sleeping until I "finish" these thoughts. Sometimes I used to sit, stand, or walk back and forth for more than half an hour because of having these compulsive thoughts.
What kind of things did I used to think about? They were just random little things that an average person without OCD can easily ignore without even trying to ignore them. The thoughts were oftentimes things I would imagine were they to happen differently or if I did something differently. Then, I would try to replay the sequence of events in my head in the order that they happened while substituting what I imagined would happen if I did something differently. I also had a urge for thinking about them in a certain way or a certain number of times.
But, repeatedly, I used to think that I missed a step or that I "messed up" somewhere along the thought process and that is what used to cause me to go back and start all over again.
Along with repetitive thoughts, I also used to have certain repetitive actions or movements. For example, when typing something, I would delete a sentence or a word and type it again in the same way. I felt like I had to press the buttons on the keyboard in a certain way and not on the sides or the edges of the buttons. Or when I was reading something, I would oftentimes go back and read the same sentence several times, or even a whole paragraph several times. This is used to take me a lot of time and that's why I couldn't finish my homeworks quickly. Sometimes I would fall asleep on my desk after 1:00 AM, but I still kept going.
However, I think that the compulsive thoughts were more stressful to me compared to the compulsive actions. It became even more stressful when I tried to ignore the thoughts or when I tried to suppress them from my mind. For some reason, they always came back to me. When I tried to ignore them, it felt to me as if there was an unfinished task or something that is waiting to be completed. That's why I always wanted to return to the compulsive thoughts that were frequently looming over my head. I didn't want to stop thinking about them until I could completely chase them out of my mind. But, the irony is that the more I tried to make them go away through my conscious effort, the deeper and more compulsive the thoughts grew. They just kept getting more and more difficult to escape from.
Eventually, I was somehow able to come out of this mental illness after having it for nearly three years. I think part of it had to to with my weekly therapy sessions for the first two years. A second reason is because of my own investigation of the mechanisms that occur while having these compulsive thoughts. I was also reading books and doing research on topics like self-awareness, mindfulness, how to focus on the present moment, how to break bad habits, and things like that. So, I think that gaining knowledge of my own actions and thoughts helped to me further overcome the OCD aspects behind them.
It was difficult at first, but it started to get easier and easier as I worked on killing my OCD. There might be other physiological factors that caused my OCD to wane away as time went on.
I still have a very, very small trace of OCD in me because sometimes I get an urge to repeat one of my actions such as closing the door, or putting my glass down after washing it (and lifting it and putting it down again) to hear the sound of the action a certain number of times, or counting my heartbeats a certain number of times, but they are much less frequent than before and the moment I think of ignoring them, the urge to do them automatically goes away. These compulsions do not waste my time as they used to do before. And I can concentrate on whatever that I'm doing at the moment.
So, presently, the intensity of the compulsions are very low and they may last only for a few seconds. I don't think that I need any medication for these brief and minor compulsions because I've been feeling totally normal and healthy for the past seven years after overcoming my OCD. Sometimes I get only one or two compulsions a day and most of the days I don't even feel anything.
