(May 9, 2013 at 6:19 pm)Statler Waldorf Wrote: Not a single one of these is a proof, care to rearrange them so they are formal proofs or at least make the title of the thread accurate?
I hear ya man. I was expecting geometric proofs. Or repeated scientific experiments at a minimum. What a disappointment. /sarcasm
Didn't you notice the "(humor)" in the title of the thread?
Smax, you missed one of the big ones:
#5.5 The Battle of Armageddon:
Like most other supervillains, Yahweh just couldn't resist the temptation to monologue all about his Great Big Plan for World Domination. Unlike the average supervillain, whose Plan for the hero is something simple like "get fried and eaten by the sharks with frickin' laser beams on their foreheads" or "die in the volcano death-trap," Yahweh took megalomania to a whole new level. He decided to make Satan's plans for him, designing them as a miniature imitation of his own Great Big Plan because...who would ever want to make a plan different from Yahweh's?
Then he got the whole thing published in the Necronomic--er, Bible, so everybody could read it all in advance. Then, once everything worked out exactly how he intended (and how could it not--it's his Plan, after all), he could proudly beat his chest and boast of his ability to "proclaim the end from the beginning." What better entertainment could his "holy, holy, holy"-chanting minions ever hope for? It was such a brilliant plan Yahweh praised himself.
Then Yahweh hands Satan a copy of the Book of Revelation. "So, now that my Boy is home from his bad weekend for the sins o' the world, it's your turn," he says to Satan. "You'll incarnate yourself in a Chosen One just like I did. Except yours will take over the world and establish a brutal theocratic dictatorship. Like the one Jesus is gonna set up after he kicks your ass, but you won't kill nearly as many people or destroy the planetary biosphere like I will. Anyway, you'll set up this theocratic dictatorship and start killing all the Real, True Christians. Then I really start kicking ass! A third of the rivers here, half the ocean there, a third of the global population over here--blammo! I wipe 'em out, and that's only the start!
"See, I'll be holding this great big worship service here in Heaven, and every time somebody blows a trumpet or empties a vial of incense, it's a whole new genocide worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Mao put together! Every time! Am I awesome, or what? Then it's time for the Big Fight Scene: you'll get all the armies in the world--lots of horse cavalry, because giant cavalry charges are frickin' awesome!--and gather 'em all together in this place called the Valley of Megiddo. And that's when I'll rip open the heavens so Jesus can come back in total Terminator mode with all his angels and resurrected saints on white horses! He'll stomp all the surviving humans like Godzilla, getting blood all over his robes, and then he'll throw you and your Antichrist and your False Prophet--he's another guy you'll do, kinda like a fake John the Baptist, I guess--all into the Lake of Fire where you'll all suffer for eternity! BEHOLD, I HAVE PROCLAIMED IT IN ADVANCE! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"Uh...hahaha...okaaay..." Satan says, quietly backing away. Then he returns to Earth and makes a brilliant strategic move that causes Yahweh's plans to collapse into a rubble of utter failure:
He does nothing.
In his hubris, Yahweh made the triumphant return of Jesus contingent on Satan carrying out a long list of specific actions, thus trapping himself in a paradox. If he can predestine Satan's actions in this way, then Satan is a sock-puppet, and the whole schema of Yahweh's righteous wrath against rebellion and "sin" collapses. What "rebellion?" If he can't, if Satan has his own agency, then all Satan has to do to bottle Yahweh up in his jewelry-box castle forever is not play along.
