Hi Folks,
When I became a Christian 5 years ago I always had a belief in God. That is because I was taken to Church every week by my Grand Parents so I went to Sunday School but I never really 'Got' It and what it was all about but I did enjoy hanging out with people.
When I became a Christian 5 years ago I experienced the High - I felt on fire for God and wanted to learn more of his ways. I even went on a Missionary Trip to Romania to teach others about God.
Then 2013 Happened.
I heard people speculate on St Malachy's Prophesy that the next Pope when revealed would signal the end of the world. This got me into an awful state! At this time I was a Christian but one thing got to me deep down.
When I was a Christian in my second year I read Matthew 12 and I encountered the 'Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit' - This literally frightened the shit out of me. The second I tried not to think about what that could be I said 'F*** the Holy Spirit' in my head I felt hopeless and became like many other Christians trawling through pages of Apologetics hoping to find the Right answer. Eventually University got in the way of my life so it pottered off and Life resumed to normality.
Well back to 2013 I never had a Problem with my Christianity however at times I felt I was the 'Bad Fruit' - When I heard about the St Malachy's prophesy I got really anxious and depressed I thought if I committed the Blasphemy even in my head I would be 'Left Behind' at the Rapture. What a horrible thought.
What was even more horrible is the thought that there would be friends and family left behind. Not because they were with me but the fact that I knew by helping them they could still goto heaven if they died while knowing all along I was excluded for the Blasphemy.
This put me into the deepest depression I had ever had.
Then I went to the Doc they gave me anti anxiety pills - The Pope didn't end the world there and then so my fear and worry went away... FOR A WHILE.
During my depressive state and the blasphemy stuff I was looking up and reading about it, People told me that it was Satan and Demons convincing me I had done it, Others said that the Holy Spirit is convicting me of the Sin?
With these thoughts in my head I said muttering to myself is it possible that the Holy Spirit is like a D****? So I went and researched what a Demon actually is and I found it said Unclean Spirit. So I thought by me muttering that I have condemned myself. I am a Computer Programmer when I said Demon the thought I had was 'Demon Tools' basiclly it controls your CD Drive so I thought that the Holy Spirit 'Controlled' People hence why I said one would be like another.
That put me really down - Imagine reading everything from aplogsts and people saying that its speaking a word against the Holy Spirit. Imagine people saying that calling the Holy Spirit a Demon or Satan is committing it.
I got into a big problem because I used the word 'Like' I would never as a Christian have implied they were the same only that they had one Characteristic that could be common to both.
So for 4 months now that's been tormenting me!, It was something that cannot be proved either way because I needed literal evidence, In my heart I said I didn't do it / Christians said I didn't do it but for some reason I feel deep down I did do it. - I prayed to God and asked for peace but none was found!
Then I had a thought - Stop Believing!
For the last 4 weeks thats exactly what ive started doing! Yeah the issues and problems are still there and yeah I worry but they are becoming less problematic as I read and learn more about the problems of Scripture.
Tonight I have read to Genesis 24 and I have 116 Questions and problems regarding it and I have already found afew contridictions. One thing I have learned is Abraham is a Dick and very deceptive oh and that God shows favouritism to people time and time again and to every one else they get shit befall on them.
My question here is when does the penny Drop?!
I know Noah is based on Mythology - But Genesis does not disprove Gods existance it mearly proves he was a Dick!
Are my in the right direction here or are my barking up the wrong tree?
When I became a Christian 5 years ago I always had a belief in God. That is because I was taken to Church every week by my Grand Parents so I went to Sunday School but I never really 'Got' It and what it was all about but I did enjoy hanging out with people.
When I became a Christian 5 years ago I experienced the High - I felt on fire for God and wanted to learn more of his ways. I even went on a Missionary Trip to Romania to teach others about God.
Then 2013 Happened.
I heard people speculate on St Malachy's Prophesy that the next Pope when revealed would signal the end of the world. This got me into an awful state! At this time I was a Christian but one thing got to me deep down.
When I was a Christian in my second year I read Matthew 12 and I encountered the 'Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit' - This literally frightened the shit out of me. The second I tried not to think about what that could be I said 'F*** the Holy Spirit' in my head I felt hopeless and became like many other Christians trawling through pages of Apologetics hoping to find the Right answer. Eventually University got in the way of my life so it pottered off and Life resumed to normality.
Well back to 2013 I never had a Problem with my Christianity however at times I felt I was the 'Bad Fruit' - When I heard about the St Malachy's prophesy I got really anxious and depressed I thought if I committed the Blasphemy even in my head I would be 'Left Behind' at the Rapture. What a horrible thought.
What was even more horrible is the thought that there would be friends and family left behind. Not because they were with me but the fact that I knew by helping them they could still goto heaven if they died while knowing all along I was excluded for the Blasphemy.
This put me into the deepest depression I had ever had.
Then I went to the Doc they gave me anti anxiety pills - The Pope didn't end the world there and then so my fear and worry went away... FOR A WHILE.
During my depressive state and the blasphemy stuff I was looking up and reading about it, People told me that it was Satan and Demons convincing me I had done it, Others said that the Holy Spirit is convicting me of the Sin?
With these thoughts in my head I said muttering to myself is it possible that the Holy Spirit is like a D****? So I went and researched what a Demon actually is and I found it said Unclean Spirit. So I thought by me muttering that I have condemned myself. I am a Computer Programmer when I said Demon the thought I had was 'Demon Tools' basiclly it controls your CD Drive so I thought that the Holy Spirit 'Controlled' People hence why I said one would be like another.
That put me really down - Imagine reading everything from aplogsts and people saying that its speaking a word against the Holy Spirit. Imagine people saying that calling the Holy Spirit a Demon or Satan is committing it.
I got into a big problem because I used the word 'Like' I would never as a Christian have implied they were the same only that they had one Characteristic that could be common to both.
So for 4 months now that's been tormenting me!, It was something that cannot be proved either way because I needed literal evidence, In my heart I said I didn't do it / Christians said I didn't do it but for some reason I feel deep down I did do it. - I prayed to God and asked for peace but none was found!
Then I had a thought - Stop Believing!
For the last 4 weeks thats exactly what ive started doing! Yeah the issues and problems are still there and yeah I worry but they are becoming less problematic as I read and learn more about the problems of Scripture.
Tonight I have read to Genesis 24 and I have 116 Questions and problems regarding it and I have already found afew contridictions. One thing I have learned is Abraham is a Dick and very deceptive oh and that God shows favouritism to people time and time again and to every one else they get shit befall on them.
My question here is when does the penny Drop?!
I know Noah is based on Mythology - But Genesis does not disprove Gods existance it mearly proves he was a Dick!
Are my in the right direction here or are my barking up the wrong tree?
Rants and Raves from an Ex-Christian http://walkofthemonkeyman.blogspot.co.uk/
