flaky people

[Angrboda]

I find that situations like this are often good opportunities for growth. Yes, they disappointed you, and in ways you find unacceptable. But it's not like they killed your dog or stole your checkbook. They disappointed you. I'm sure you've done things that other people have experienced as equally disappointing. However, it vexes you. (Forgive me if I project a bit.) It's got inside you and you can't find out how to let it go. I know that feeling. Something someone else has done or said has triggered me, and I can't let it go. In times like that, rather looking outward to try to understand or explain why people do things like that, I like to turn the question around and ask what it is about me, the why of who I am, that has got me stuck on these thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I'm projecting my own story onto you, and if I am, I apologize for the presumption. However, in my case, there are plenty of times things like this come up. Both of my parents were very controlling people, and my mother was a hoarder. Much as I resented their behaviors and the way they were, as the old saw goes, I became like them. We can't escape the enormous influence that our parents' model had in shaping who we are. So, for better or worse, my behavior is colored by issues of control, and unreasonable acquisition of things (hoarding). I'll struggle with both issues the rest of my life, and I will never have peace from them. No matter how much I succeed in not being like them, some casual wind will come along and remind me that I've not fallen as far from the tree as I'd like. Granted, I'm very philosophical and inward directed, so, even if a good bit of the above applies to you, you may not be able to or wish to follow my preferences in the matter, and that is to try to use the energy and opportunity when I'm similarly "vexed" by something or someone, to look for how I, and who I am, is equally the cause of vexation. (I'm sure there are plenty of times that people have disappointed you in ways that, you didn't find particularly troubling, or that you easily forgave, or that you ignored because you're the same way. What about this disappointment is different that it is distressing you and obsessing you in this way. What is it about you, what you value, what you dislike, your strengths, and vulnerabilities, that is causing the situation to affect you in this way?)

If the above is just a bunch of presumptuous arrogance on my part, and I'm reading too much into the situation and assuming too much about you, please forgive my presumption. But I thought the above might help you in the long run if you do identify with what I go through in similar things. It's not an easy thing to do, and it's not particularly pleasant, in my experience (searching out how my faults are causing my upset, rather than searching for explanations for what I see as problematic in others), but I consider it very worthwhile (for me, anyway).


Addendum: There's also the very real question of whether understanding why other people disappoint you is even likely to be helpful. I understand why my lover left me; I can even consider it reasonable that she did so; it's still going to hurt. People frequently try to understand the behavior of others in the hopes that if they understand them, it will resolve the feelings. I rather suspect that's neither all true or all false. Understanding may provide avenues for resolving the feelings, but not as quickly or as effectively as one would hope. Perhaps its most useful effect is that it gives us something to distract ourselves with, a puzzle to solve, while time, the body, and our heart is doing the difficult work of integrating the pain or other feeling into who we are and our "self" of who we've been. It can be hard just to accept a hurt or a pain and not try to push it away or understand it or "resolve it" by figuring it out. Sometimes just to "be" with our feelings is useful in and of itself. Find a comfortable chair, or a bench near the lake, or someplace else you like, and just sit, and notice, and feel. (One common way of "being" with one's feelings is to write — journaling, a diary, a poem, a story, an essay — or some other creative activity — drawing, crafts, photography. Sometimes this is just another way to distract while the body works the feelings out on its own, but sometimes it's a way to work through the emotion healthily.) I'm tempted to analogize it to grief, but don't take it too literally if it's not a fit for you, but grieving over some loss or hurt is something that simply takes time. Understanding what happened may help to give one a perspective which is better and ultimately leads to a better resolution of the feelings (better including, among other things, faster, or more deeply/thoroughly, or leading to greater truth, or whatever; it's individual). And like grief, I'd suggest there's no "right" or "wrong" way to resolve your feelings. It may just take time.

Anyway, again, I apologize if I've just been a bag of wind. Perhaps this is my working through something about me...

ETA: Just like me to look for anything but the direct approach. Another way, which you're practicing here, is talking about it. But it doesn't sound like you've done the talking about it with the people who disappointed you. If they hurt your feelings, let them know. You don't have to be blaming, just let them know that you feel hurt because of what happened. It can be hard, and if so, you might strategize to make it easier. Pick the one of them who you feel would be the most sympathetic and understanding; schedule time to have the discussion and arrange for both of you to get together (over coffee, by phone, in chat) to discuss it ("I've got something I'd like to talk to you about. Do you have time for a cup of coffee later this week?"). Given your intro and handle, this might be challenging for you, but it is also one of the most rewarding ways of working things out.