I love your rants <3
I'm upset.
We're likely going to bomb Syria. Faith in humanity is lost. Especially since my Representative and one of my Senators is SUPER gung-ho about it. I will personally make sure they do not get re-elected... Yeah, right. I can hope though.
I started in a "support group" which is lovely and great, but brings shit up that comes out sideways, because I don't know how to effectively deal with it. What group of sexual abuse "survivors" is totally awesome, anyways? (can I say that as a sexual abuse 'survivor,' I FUCKING HATE THE TERM SURVIVOR???) So that's fun.
My husband, who is most often awesome, is being a dick. Yeah... I had something to do with it. I apologized. Not much more I can do about it... Get over it already. But that's not so great either.
I'm being forced to socialize. I started classes. One bright spot: I confessed to my 4 top table at chem lab that I had never taken a chemistry course before. The girl next to me (we all get our own lab supplies, but the person we sat next to on the first day was deemed our "lab partner" and we're allowed to help out the entire 4 top table) gave me a horrid look of, "Fuck no! I'm not carrying you through this semester!!!" Well, I was the only one who had actually read through the first lab of the semester and gave advice, when asked, of how to do the experiment. To which my "lab partner" was apparently sullen. So I'm sorta smug about that. But, DAMN, socializing and being nice and "appropriately pleasant" fucking sucks. It's stressful and taxing to me. *shrugs* that's the truth and I'll let it stand.
My kids also started school, so now I have to meet the "Mommy Brigade" everyday when I pick them up. Do you know how difficult it is to "act normal" when you're counting kids to find the statistically likely one that has been or will soon be sexually abused?? And I really don't see a way to control that. That's how my brain works. 1-2-3-4-you're it. It's fucked up, I recognize that, and it sucks and is totally distracting to the conversation I'm carrying on about the latest fad in swim lessons, but it's there... running in the background of my mind.
Then I had to fire my babysitter on Thursday. After setting up, what? 20 or so dates with her the previous week. Why? Because she asked for my laptop password to do homework. I gave it to her, against that little voice that said "no." I come home six hours later to literally, 7 pages of screenshots of her browser history (you bet your ass I have evidence)... Her reporting that my kids were trying to strangle each other (which doesn't happen without several levels of escalation), and the discovery that she let my 5 year old play outside, unsupervised... And she sends me an e-mail today apologizing and asking me to reconsider... Not with my babies. OH! and I also found a lovely pile of "deleted" photos in my trash bin of her in areas of my home that my own kids aren't allowed in! (the "old" part of our basement, where we do laundry... at 5 and 7 my kids are too little to do laundry and it's mainly laundry and storage, so what the fuck is my babysitter doing taking selfies on my laptop in the "old" basement for????) With my history of personal violations, that just crossed a line. Then I think back... about 6 months ago this same babysitter left a notecard on my kitchen counter... with my generic prescription Xanax written on it. I confronted her and asked what it was about. She said, "Nothing. It's just something for health class." But I thought it was kind of understood that I knew she was lying, so I let it slide... Anyhoo... the combo effect is that I feel like my personal space has been TOTALLY violated... And my house is my sanctuary from the outside world, so that's big for me. And I still need to find a new sitter...
Then we circle back to the husband unit... It's true, in some situations I look at things from a strictly logical point of view-as logical as my alcohol goggles will let me at this point... He's family centered, but doesn't seem to understand that our relationship is the foundation of our family unit. He's all about having good times with the family and with our boys, but not necessarily with me... Which makes me feel like shit. And I know that I've been difficult the past few weeks with all this crazy stuff flying around, and I'm admitted as such... le sigh.
Then M.O.T.H.E.R. UNIT... OH SHIT... I called her on her birthday (very recent, last week even), even though it's been difficult for me to talk with her for about a year or so... (when confronted with my sexual abuse she responded with an underwhelming, "I thought you were being abused, but didn't want to accuse someone without evidence, so I let it go."-and she doesn't understand what I find wrong with that...) So I get an e-mail from the mother unit a few days ago stating, "I'm relocating (she's currently about 3 hours away from me) and I have a couple boxes of your stuff. Let me know if you want to come over and go through them or if you want me to send them to you." Period. End. of. Story. No idea where my mother is moving to. No idea if she's going to hold onto my stuff or burn it upon moving. Stuff isn't important, probably just shit from high school (which is best left forgotten in the past)... But it's a reminder of how much simpler things were before I looked at my abusive past (only happened about 3 years ago). I'm not just talking the sexual abuse... My entire family structure was fucked from day -1. My mom told me that when the doctor told her she was pregnant with me she burst out in tears, when I was all of about 5-6 years old. But before, it was all about my dad (who I've basically written off at this point-leastways I haven't had direct contact with him in about 5 years, and very infrequently before that). Blame dad....
And my little brother let me know that he's officially homeless.... which is awful, but what can I do? He's an addict and lives halfway across the country.
So, yeah... That's my shit that I've been coping with. What can one do?? Put one foot in front of the other and keep going... When is life going to be more than simply that?
.... I've said too much... I apologize... Life's short, life's shit, and soon it will be over... Wanna leave but the world won't let me go, wanna leave but the world won't let me go... You gave me a life I never chose...
I'm upset.
We're likely going to bomb Syria. Faith in humanity is lost. Especially since my Representative and one of my Senators is SUPER gung-ho about it. I will personally make sure they do not get re-elected... Yeah, right. I can hope though.
I started in a "support group" which is lovely and great, but brings shit up that comes out sideways, because I don't know how to effectively deal with it. What group of sexual abuse "survivors" is totally awesome, anyways? (can I say that as a sexual abuse 'survivor,' I FUCKING HATE THE TERM SURVIVOR???) So that's fun.
My husband, who is most often awesome, is being a dick. Yeah... I had something to do with it. I apologized. Not much more I can do about it... Get over it already. But that's not so great either.
I'm being forced to socialize. I started classes. One bright spot: I confessed to my 4 top table at chem lab that I had never taken a chemistry course before. The girl next to me (we all get our own lab supplies, but the person we sat next to on the first day was deemed our "lab partner" and we're allowed to help out the entire 4 top table) gave me a horrid look of, "Fuck no! I'm not carrying you through this semester!!!" Well, I was the only one who had actually read through the first lab of the semester and gave advice, when asked, of how to do the experiment. To which my "lab partner" was apparently sullen. So I'm sorta smug about that. But, DAMN, socializing and being nice and "appropriately pleasant" fucking sucks. It's stressful and taxing to me. *shrugs* that's the truth and I'll let it stand.
My kids also started school, so now I have to meet the "Mommy Brigade" everyday when I pick them up. Do you know how difficult it is to "act normal" when you're counting kids to find the statistically likely one that has been or will soon be sexually abused?? And I really don't see a way to control that. That's how my brain works. 1-2-3-4-you're it. It's fucked up, I recognize that, and it sucks and is totally distracting to the conversation I'm carrying on about the latest fad in swim lessons, but it's there... running in the background of my mind.
Then I had to fire my babysitter on Thursday. After setting up, what? 20 or so dates with her the previous week. Why? Because she asked for my laptop password to do homework. I gave it to her, against that little voice that said "no." I come home six hours later to literally, 7 pages of screenshots of her browser history (you bet your ass I have evidence)... Her reporting that my kids were trying to strangle each other (which doesn't happen without several levels of escalation), and the discovery that she let my 5 year old play outside, unsupervised... And she sends me an e-mail today apologizing and asking me to reconsider... Not with my babies. OH! and I also found a lovely pile of "deleted" photos in my trash bin of her in areas of my home that my own kids aren't allowed in! (the "old" part of our basement, where we do laundry... at 5 and 7 my kids are too little to do laundry and it's mainly laundry and storage, so what the fuck is my babysitter doing taking selfies on my laptop in the "old" basement for????) With my history of personal violations, that just crossed a line. Then I think back... about 6 months ago this same babysitter left a notecard on my kitchen counter... with my generic prescription Xanax written on it. I confronted her and asked what it was about. She said, "Nothing. It's just something for health class." But I thought it was kind of understood that I knew she was lying, so I let it slide... Anyhoo... the combo effect is that I feel like my personal space has been TOTALLY violated... And my house is my sanctuary from the outside world, so that's big for me. And I still need to find a new sitter...
Then we circle back to the husband unit... It's true, in some situations I look at things from a strictly logical point of view-as logical as my alcohol goggles will let me at this point... He's family centered, but doesn't seem to understand that our relationship is the foundation of our family unit. He's all about having good times with the family and with our boys, but not necessarily with me... Which makes me feel like shit. And I know that I've been difficult the past few weeks with all this crazy stuff flying around, and I'm admitted as such... le sigh.
Then M.O.T.H.E.R. UNIT... OH SHIT... I called her on her birthday (very recent, last week even), even though it's been difficult for me to talk with her for about a year or so... (when confronted with my sexual abuse she responded with an underwhelming, "I thought you were being abused, but didn't want to accuse someone without evidence, so I let it go."-and she doesn't understand what I find wrong with that...) So I get an e-mail from the mother unit a few days ago stating, "I'm relocating (she's currently about 3 hours away from me) and I have a couple boxes of your stuff. Let me know if you want to come over and go through them or if you want me to send them to you." Period. End. of. Story. No idea where my mother is moving to. No idea if she's going to hold onto my stuff or burn it upon moving. Stuff isn't important, probably just shit from high school (which is best left forgotten in the past)... But it's a reminder of how much simpler things were before I looked at my abusive past (only happened about 3 years ago). I'm not just talking the sexual abuse... My entire family structure was fucked from day -1. My mom told me that when the doctor told her she was pregnant with me she burst out in tears, when I was all of about 5-6 years old. But before, it was all about my dad (who I've basically written off at this point-leastways I haven't had direct contact with him in about 5 years, and very infrequently before that). Blame dad....
And my little brother let me know that he's officially homeless.... which is awful, but what can I do? He's an addict and lives halfway across the country.
So, yeah... That's my shit that I've been coping with. What can one do?? Put one foot in front of the other and keep going... When is life going to be more than simply that?
.... I've said too much... I apologize... Life's short, life's shit, and soon it will be over... Wanna leave but the world won't let me go, wanna leave but the world won't let me go... You gave me a life I never chose...
