[Bill Lumbergh voice] Yeahhhh if we could keep the "LOL LONG POSTS OF TEXT" posts to a minimum? That'd be grrreeeeat. Thaaanks. [/Lumbergh voice]
I had a day today where, under no influence or reason, I just...I felt...
I felt nothing today.
And then in a desperate attempt to feel SOMETHING I started drinking.
I have no direction for my anger. For everything I'm feeling. I'm veering wildly in too many directions and I just can't get a grasp on any of it, but I know none of it is good.
I'm giving up on my idea of becoming a restauranteur. Or a chef.
I have to be realistic.
I'm 25. I'm approaching 26. Mid-20s guy with NO college education, a credit score of shit-all, and no high school transcripts other than 0.1 GPA, because none of my HS transcripts from before existed.
Seriously. Who the fuck am I supposed to convince with this shit-tier record?
I'm not so driven and ambitious and brilliant and cheerful and optimistic that I can sell my ideas to any potential investor. The banks'll take one look at my credit and grade history and laugh me out of their offices. I'm depressed all the fucking time. My meds aren't doing anytihn. I can't think or wish my way out of my mindset. Nothing I do means anything anymore to me. There's just this all-pervasive hollowness.
Seriously. Who the fuck would finance any kind of restaurant by me? What new innovative ideas do I seriously have? I ain't got SHIT. I've got some half-baked ideas, no innovative or new recipes. I am, at best, a decent homestyle cook. Woop dee fucking doo. Like there aren't literally a million or ten million of those around.
What the fuck do I keep holding on to?
I keep trying in desperation to convinec myself there's SOMETHING. Dear fucking hell...I've lived 25, nearly 26 years...I've dealt with so fucking much, there has to be SOME light at the end of the tunnel, right??
I feel like I've been lied to. Like there's some kind of...I don't know...like there's some hope, like life or the universe or SOMETHING owes me something, anything. Like all of this shit has been worth it.
I keep seeing everyone who has ever endured something similar to what I have...and they all have lovers, wives/husbands. People who make them happy. Careers, jobs, something, ANYTHING to make their lives worth living. I haven't even found something to start with. I don't have anyone. I don't have anything. I keep trying in desperation.
You can only keep scrabbling at the rock for so long, trying to find a handhold before you realize there's nothing and you're just gonna have to slip off the cliff and just take the damn fall, think of the good times, try to ignore the bad times, before the sudden impact and the blankness beyond.
I wish somehow I could explain to everyone just what I've dealt with, I wish I could make someone, ANYONE understand it. The worst I've heard still just doesn't reach me. I feel like I'm in equal parts raging and crying and punching and falling against a brick wall.
I want this to stop. This roller coaster called life is too fucking much and I just want to get off already. I'm not enjoying it even though everyone else is screaming happily and finding parts they love. I. Want. OFF.
I don't expect anyone to really relate. I don't expect sympathy. Or pity. Nor do I want any of it. I'm just so beyond being sad. I'm just numb. I'm completely fucking devoid of anything. I'm alone. I'm tired. I'm past trying to convince myself everything'll be OK, I'm past beleving others who tell me the same.
I just want off. I just. Want. Off. And yet some part of me just won't let me. It keeps stubbornly trying to convince me there's always another day.
I don't believe it but every bit of me requires unanimous consent and that part is the Republican part. It filibusters me at every turn.
I don't even know what I'm hoping to accomplish here. Dumping this shit here isn't helping. What am I expecting? Sympathy? Pity-hugs? People telling me to suck it up? To keep pressing on? What the fuck am I hoping to accomplish here? Attention? I don't want it. Pity? I don't want it. Sympathy? I have no use for it. Ignorance? I'm used to it.
I'm losing my fucking mind. That's all there is to it. I'm insane. I'm trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. FUCK!!! I can't even pay my next months' rent and bills! The fucking hospital required me to pay $500 for my existing medical bills if I wanted to continue psychiatric treatment, and it's the last damn hope I have left anyay. Without that I'm pretty much done. I have victims at the RCC relying on me to help them through extreme trauma when I can't even help myself. I have homeless folk at the Habitat who...well, let's face it, anyone can scoop soup into a bowl, I'm not really all that worthwhile there anyway.
What? WHAT? WHY. HOW?!
Answers. PLEASE. Just...answwers...
I had a day today where, under no influence or reason, I just...I felt...
I felt nothing today.
And then in a desperate attempt to feel SOMETHING I started drinking.
I have no direction for my anger. For everything I'm feeling. I'm veering wildly in too many directions and I just can't get a grasp on any of it, but I know none of it is good.
I'm giving up on my idea of becoming a restauranteur. Or a chef.
I have to be realistic.
I'm 25. I'm approaching 26. Mid-20s guy with NO college education, a credit score of shit-all, and no high school transcripts other than 0.1 GPA, because none of my HS transcripts from before existed.
Seriously. Who the fuck am I supposed to convince with this shit-tier record?
I'm not so driven and ambitious and brilliant and cheerful and optimistic that I can sell my ideas to any potential investor. The banks'll take one look at my credit and grade history and laugh me out of their offices. I'm depressed all the fucking time. My meds aren't doing anytihn. I can't think or wish my way out of my mindset. Nothing I do means anything anymore to me. There's just this all-pervasive hollowness.
Seriously. Who the fuck would finance any kind of restaurant by me? What new innovative ideas do I seriously have? I ain't got SHIT. I've got some half-baked ideas, no innovative or new recipes. I am, at best, a decent homestyle cook. Woop dee fucking doo. Like there aren't literally a million or ten million of those around.
What the fuck do I keep holding on to?
I keep trying in desperation to convinec myself there's SOMETHING. Dear fucking hell...I've lived 25, nearly 26 years...I've dealt with so fucking much, there has to be SOME light at the end of the tunnel, right??
I feel like I've been lied to. Like there's some kind of...I don't know...like there's some hope, like life or the universe or SOMETHING owes me something, anything. Like all of this shit has been worth it.
I keep seeing everyone who has ever endured something similar to what I have...and they all have lovers, wives/husbands. People who make them happy. Careers, jobs, something, ANYTHING to make their lives worth living. I haven't even found something to start with. I don't have anyone. I don't have anything. I keep trying in desperation.
You can only keep scrabbling at the rock for so long, trying to find a handhold before you realize there's nothing and you're just gonna have to slip off the cliff and just take the damn fall, think of the good times, try to ignore the bad times, before the sudden impact and the blankness beyond.
I wish somehow I could explain to everyone just what I've dealt with, I wish I could make someone, ANYONE understand it. The worst I've heard still just doesn't reach me. I feel like I'm in equal parts raging and crying and punching and falling against a brick wall.
I want this to stop. This roller coaster called life is too fucking much and I just want to get off already. I'm not enjoying it even though everyone else is screaming happily and finding parts they love. I. Want. OFF.
I don't expect anyone to really relate. I don't expect sympathy. Or pity. Nor do I want any of it. I'm just so beyond being sad. I'm just numb. I'm completely fucking devoid of anything. I'm alone. I'm tired. I'm past trying to convince myself everything'll be OK, I'm past beleving others who tell me the same.
I just want off. I just. Want. Off. And yet some part of me just won't let me. It keeps stubbornly trying to convince me there's always another day.
I don't believe it but every bit of me requires unanimous consent and that part is the Republican part. It filibusters me at every turn.
I don't even know what I'm hoping to accomplish here. Dumping this shit here isn't helping. What am I expecting? Sympathy? Pity-hugs? People telling me to suck it up? To keep pressing on? What the fuck am I hoping to accomplish here? Attention? I don't want it. Pity? I don't want it. Sympathy? I have no use for it. Ignorance? I'm used to it.
I'm losing my fucking mind. That's all there is to it. I'm insane. I'm trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. FUCK!!! I can't even pay my next months' rent and bills! The fucking hospital required me to pay $500 for my existing medical bills if I wanted to continue psychiatric treatment, and it's the last damn hope I have left anyay. Without that I'm pretty much done. I have victims at the RCC relying on me to help them through extreme trauma when I can't even help myself. I have homeless folk at the Habitat who...well, let's face it, anyone can scoop soup into a bowl, I'm not really all that worthwhile there anyway.
What? WHAT? WHY. HOW?!
Answers. PLEASE. Just...answwers...
