RE: Creed's Ramble Thread
September 19, 2013 at 6:27 pm
(This post was last modified: September 19, 2013 at 6:28 pm by Creed of Heresy.)
(September 16, 2013 at 1:22 pm)John V Wrote: @Creed: I know you hate me and you won't take this well, but still I have to say it: you have to quit the booze and drugs.
I'm not really on any drugs. And I only drink when the depression hits me particularly hard.
I should probably clear this up with people. My depression is not at its worst when I am ranting and screaming as you guys tend to see from time to time. It's at its worst when it sinks beneath that I lose every single last bit of connection to anything and everything. Everything becomes completely muted, dull, devoid of purpose, meaning, or satisfaction. Yeah, even sex. Even sleep itself. I will lay in my bed for hours at a time, just staring at the ceiling. My body tells me I'm tired, my mind just doesn't care. This is worse than feeling suicidal. It's feeling like even the effort needed to put a knife through my heart isn't worth the effort. Living or dying itself has no bearing when I get like that.
So, in the times I feel myself sinking into that, before I can sink in too far to become unresponsive to all emotional connection to the world around me, I drink. It sends me into a hysterical depression, but...pain is still so much better than having nothing at all. Like life itself; even if it keeps hurting, it's better to have it hurt, than to not have it at all.
You might see now why I so abjectly loathe you for saying what you did. This isn't something I can control, and believe me. BELIEVE me. I've spent MANY years trying, and instead of improving, it has gotten worse, despite my efforts. It is only recently (starting about two years ago) I have become this absolutely, utterly despondent. It is only recently I have felt the numbness become so absolutely all-consuming so often. Worse, it's always lingering. There is always this muting to everything around me. Everything I feel or think? At best, it's like hearing someone through a closed, cheap door. At its worst, it's like trying to hear someone with earplugs in your ears.
Weed, if that is what you refer to as the drug, is...well, for one thing, it's not even close to the worst thing I've touched, and honestly, it's a much, much better alternative than booze is, but it's harder to find, and more expensive per usage, so I don't do it much. At least not right now. It doesn't have any real negative effects. When I smoke up, I can sleep, no matter my state of mind, no matter the insomnia I may be going through at the time, even where prescription narcotics fail entirely. It inspires me to write creatively. I become light-hearted, out-going, relaxed, even outright happy. I delight in everything. And when the main effects wear off, for a few days afterwards I'm still feeling much better. And when that goes away, I just return to how I was before. No better, no worse. Just...back to normal. If you can call me "normal" without any irony or sarcasm in your words, at any rate...
(September 16, 2013 at 2:28 pm)Gilgamesh Wrote: First time I saw you, I said I thought you looked like Sephiroth. You look like Sephiroth.
Given that virtually every woman who has seen Sephiroth says he is the hottest thing ever, I am going to take that as a MASSIVE compliment.