What I saw offline today.

[Whateverist]

I don't mind you asking. He was a fabulous, wonderful man and I will miss him always. But he would not be pleased for me to become a living memorial to him -- so I haven't.

Lia and I feel the same way. While we're immensely fond of each other we wouldn't either begrudge the other a satisfying life after one of us dies. This surely will come to pass sooner or later. We're 60 and 70 and no one lives forever.

The first year was the worst, of course. Apart from the excruciating grief, there was just plain a hell of a lot I didn't know about how to take run this place. The dream of country living was far more my husband's than mine.

Obviously I decided to stay. It is a lucky spot in which to live, and I try never to take that for granted -- even when a pipe bursts and floods the hen house or an animal is badly injured and must be put down (the only real reason I relearned my shooting skills). I don't mind being alone and am seldom lonely, but I do miss sharing my life with someone. Problem is, of course, you can't just manufacture a relationship to suit the situation. It's something that either happens or it doesn't. So I try to keep a hand in meeting new people and not becoming too hermit-like here on the farm. I can't say it's tough so much as melancholy, if that makes sense.

Meanwhile, I run a business as well so there is always something waiting for me to get it done, whether on the farm or for work. It's good to keep busy!

Ouch. There was a time when I would have chosen country living, but no longer. Neither of us ever wants to move again. We can take BART and be in San Francisco in less than a half hour. We can walk to restaurants, theaters and shopping as well as the Cal campus which brings in all kinds of performances and lecturers. But we both value our solitude too, and your setting would be ideal for that. So long as you have good friends around, it seems pretty ideal. I'm glad you're making time to meet new men friends too. It deserves an effort.

LOL, aren't you glad you asked?

Very much so, yes. It's an important thing to know to know you and surely more comfortable to have it out in the open and normalized. It isn't shameful or scary. I'm glad for you that you lost someone you were proud to have shared your life with. That's important. Better to live with someone worth missing obviously. It will be that way in my turn too. It's funny how theists are always wondering how atheists can be grateful without having anyone to be grateful to. But I often feel that way. Grateful, fortunate, call it what you want.