What makes me grumble?
Ha!
Got an hour? (This will work best in the voice of Lewis Black)
I hate the fact my hair left me for an older man. I hate the fact that I am that older man even more.
Every day my alarm clock goes off at 7.00 am - do I ever get used to it - no. Each time it goes off I react like 240 volts just passed through my testicles. This is every day but Sunday - on Sunday we don't set an alarm. On Sunday my eyes spring open at 6:59 and there's nothing I can do to close them. Then my bladder sends its own alarm as it nestles up to my chin. So I go into the bathroom. Is it the syphon of old? Oh no. The more bursting I am the slower it goes. These days I need to take sandwiches into the bathroom with me just to survive long enough to empty my own bladder. Does it empty? Are you kidding? Don't tell me to shake - I do the fucking two step. I could beat the end of it on the tiled walls - makes no difference. The moment its safely nestled back into my shorts a tiny little bit suddenly decides that's the moment to make its escape leaving me to stalk back to the bedroom with the dot of shame.
So I make the coffee - take a mug to my wife - who's fallen back to sleep - the bitch and then go sit in the living room to try to comes to terms with another fucking day. Do I sit in silence? Well I would but for some reason each time I do something tricky - like sitting down, or standing up I make a noise like the slightly embarrassed grunt of a heavily pregnant sow. When I've finished my coffee I go wake my daughter up. The alarm in our room didn't wake her. The alarm in her room didn't wake her. The alarm on her watch didn't wake her. They were set for 3 minutes after ours. I listened to them as a nice accompaniment to the trickling sound as I ate my sandwiches.
So I wake her. Depending on my mood that's either by gently shaking her which gets no response or going straight for the kill by grabbing one of her legs and walking away from the bed till she shrieks. Usually this works before her head hits the floor but there was one time I got to the front garden because that's were we keep the garden hose.
By now its 7:15. Generally my day goes South from there on in.
What makes me grumble indeed!
Ha!
Got an hour? (This will work best in the voice of Lewis Black)
I hate the fact my hair left me for an older man. I hate the fact that I am that older man even more.
Every day my alarm clock goes off at 7.00 am - do I ever get used to it - no. Each time it goes off I react like 240 volts just passed through my testicles. This is every day but Sunday - on Sunday we don't set an alarm. On Sunday my eyes spring open at 6:59 and there's nothing I can do to close them. Then my bladder sends its own alarm as it nestles up to my chin. So I go into the bathroom. Is it the syphon of old? Oh no. The more bursting I am the slower it goes. These days I need to take sandwiches into the bathroom with me just to survive long enough to empty my own bladder. Does it empty? Are you kidding? Don't tell me to shake - I do the fucking two step. I could beat the end of it on the tiled walls - makes no difference. The moment its safely nestled back into my shorts a tiny little bit suddenly decides that's the moment to make its escape leaving me to stalk back to the bedroom with the dot of shame.
So I make the coffee - take a mug to my wife - who's fallen back to sleep - the bitch and then go sit in the living room to try to comes to terms with another fucking day. Do I sit in silence? Well I would but for some reason each time I do something tricky - like sitting down, or standing up I make a noise like the slightly embarrassed grunt of a heavily pregnant sow. When I've finished my coffee I go wake my daughter up. The alarm in our room didn't wake her. The alarm in her room didn't wake her. The alarm on her watch didn't wake her. They were set for 3 minutes after ours. I listened to them as a nice accompaniment to the trickling sound as I ate my sandwiches.
So I wake her. Depending on my mood that's either by gently shaking her which gets no response or going straight for the kill by grabbing one of her legs and walking away from the bed till she shrieks. Usually this works before her head hits the floor but there was one time I got to the front garden because that's were we keep the garden hose.
By now its 7:15. Generally my day goes South from there on in.
What makes me grumble indeed!
Kuusi palaa, ja on viimeinen kerta kun annan vaimoni laittaa jouluvalot!
