Whirlwind
April 25, 2010 at 4:40 pm
(This post was last modified: April 25, 2010 at 6:29 pm by mchlbhm.)
Yeah, so here I am questioning my faith. I was raised a christian. The gospel according to St. John 1:1-3 was the first thing I learned to read. I believed, wholeheartedly, that I had conversations with god. I would hear him in my head and he would teach me and help me understand the KJV when I was little.
My mom, a die-hard christian, would pray and tell me what god said when I had questions. She seemed to have a much better connection with god. She taught me everything. I learned chess when I was six, learned how to read and write before I went to school (alphabet and counting english, spanish and german. pig-latin too. lol) and kept me safe.
So my parents sexually, physically, and verbally abused me. Not all at once, mind you. My dad started it with my sister. I told mom and she told me to forget it and that she'd take care of it. I tried so hard to forget because I trusted her so much. I did forget for the most part. The she abused me once, that I remember.
Four or five years pass and I'm reading the bible. I'm filled with the HS and feeling awesome spending time with my best friend (god). I come to the part about the unforgivable sin. I feel resistance but I say "The HS is of Satan." I could almost feel a "pop" and I felt nothing. No HS, not even a little hint of god. I went to mom in a panic. She prayed and said "OMG! What have you done?!?" and then went on to tell me that god can't forgive me of this sin. Anything else, but not this. In tears she told me that I will never have a good career, won't be able to keep a wife and kids, no car or house. I'll leave pain and destruction in my wake. That I'll be beaten, tortured and finally murdered. Just before I'm murdered, I'll come to feel an honest remorse (I was in tears.
Hysterical! I didn't care if I died or had to give up everything. Just don't leave me! He was my best friend. if that wasn't honest) and he'll finally forgive me. Not before. Oh yeah, that I'd seek help from others, but no man would be able to help me. ARRRG! Many years have passed. I can still remember that day as though it just happened. So, I question him. I question his parental skills and I wonder how life might have been growing up with science as my best friend.
My mom, a die-hard christian, would pray and tell me what god said when I had questions. She seemed to have a much better connection with god. She taught me everything. I learned chess when I was six, learned how to read and write before I went to school (alphabet and counting english, spanish and german. pig-latin too. lol) and kept me safe.
So my parents sexually, physically, and verbally abused me. Not all at once, mind you. My dad started it with my sister. I told mom and she told me to forget it and that she'd take care of it. I tried so hard to forget because I trusted her so much. I did forget for the most part. The she abused me once, that I remember.
Four or five years pass and I'm reading the bible. I'm filled with the HS and feeling awesome spending time with my best friend (god). I come to the part about the unforgivable sin. I feel resistance but I say "The HS is of Satan." I could almost feel a "pop" and I felt nothing. No HS, not even a little hint of god. I went to mom in a panic. She prayed and said "OMG! What have you done?!?" and then went on to tell me that god can't forgive me of this sin. Anything else, but not this. In tears she told me that I will never have a good career, won't be able to keep a wife and kids, no car or house. I'll leave pain and destruction in my wake. That I'll be beaten, tortured and finally murdered. Just before I'm murdered, I'll come to feel an honest remorse (I was in tears.
Hysterical! I didn't care if I died or had to give up everything. Just don't leave me! He was my best friend. if that wasn't honest) and he'll finally forgive me. Not before. Oh yeah, that I'd seek help from others, but no man would be able to help me. ARRRG! Many years have passed. I can still remember that day as though it just happened. So, I question him. I question his parental skills and I wonder how life might have been growing up with science as my best friend.
