The need to believe?

[*Deidre*]

What, in your estimation, might be true about whatever it is you believe in, Deidre?  What suggests to you that it is?

As to the other bit, there's plenty of "comfort" in the secular world.  Here you are, after all. That you don't feel it invariably has more to do with your childhood indoctrination than anything else.   Have you spoken to a grief counselor?  I hate to say that with time "this too will pass", but...that is how it goes for us, most of the time.  The gods don't make it go away, it just does.  Your narrative is pretty much textbook;

-Person with religious background suffers loss, returns to seeking solace in the trappings of their faith.

It's difficult to imagine that, if you required it, professional help would be insufficient.  Even if you -did- have the help of a god...it would still be prudent to help yourself.

Basically, what have I believed or have been taught to believe? I'd say the abbreviated version would be ''God is love,'' and with that comes a sense of security. Maybe false security that I've manufactured, but security as I've come to know it. I think what ''suggests'' it is I have spent most of my life convincing myself of that idea. An idea that came from a devout family, and such. An idea that I started questioning fives years ago, when I dissected the Bible, and came away feeling that it's a book basically of rules and such to govern the masses, and the idea of a god orchestrating it all, was a man made fallacy. So, logically, I tell myself that what I believe has no basis in facts or evidence, but that faith doesn't require it. (another common mantra in religious circles) There are a lot of excuses made for faith - and I think why I left faith and eventually identified with atheism, is that I couldn't believe any longer in an all powerful god that needed me to defend him. So much of religion is built around your peers competing with you as to who knows god the best. Interestingly, if you visit a Christian forum, the fighting is crazy intense, more so than when atheists and Christians debate. Now that I've healed from my grandmother's death, I'm back to this place of questions, and why am I still carrying around a belief system that I don't really believe in, on a logical level. I think when my grandmother died, I was so overwhelmed by grief, that I did what came natural, and that was to seek something outside of myself to fix it. But, only time can really fix it, and honestly, it's only the unhealthy attachments to situations and people that bring us so much grief in the first place. I'm in a better place now to process this, and I don't want to need this, anymore. 

I think that's it actually - I feel like I could easily identify as an atheist again, but atheism isn't only an intellectual position. Just talking about it openly with you all has been immensely helpful - reading my words back causes me to remove the cognitive dissonance that exists when sorting out stuff like this. I think probably one of the most helpful things I've read from you guys is that you sometimes feel conflicted, and that okay, you deal with it - and you struggle in life and deal with it. There is no escape route, we just have to deal.