Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum

[reverendjeremiah]

This is one of those Onion moments where reality and parody easily go hand in hand. Sort of like making fun of Palin, all you had to do is repeat her word for word...not meaning to insult Tiberius' most favorite vice presidential nominee or anything.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/voters-...-de,27518/

WASHINGTON—As Rick Santorum has emerged to become Mitt Romney's leading opponent for the Republican presidential nomination, the American electorate said Monday it had slowly begun to realize that the former Pennsylvania senator sincerely believes every deranged word that exits his mouth.

Uneasy voters told reporters it was becoming more and more evident that comments from Santorum defending sodomy laws as acceptable restrictions on "wants and passions" and characterizing pregnancy occurring through rape as a "gift" from God were not politically calculated but were, in fact, spoken out of sincere, startling conviction.

"I honestly thought he was just playing up to the far-right voters, because that's what Republicans are supposed to do in the primaries," said Grand Rapids, MI resident Dan Banks, who explained he had dismissed as manipulative campaign rhetoric Santorum's assertion that President Obama would send Christians to the guillotine. "But now it's dawning on me that this guy means it, all of it. Every single thing he says is an accurate depiction of how he sees the world."

"So, when he said that Satan was currently attacking the United States, he meant exactly that," added Banks. "Satan, the devil himself, is attacking the United States. Rick Santorum believes this is a real thing that is actually happening. I…wow. Just wow."

Gallup polls taken during the campaign show an evolving awareness among voters that Santorum is not lying about any of the horrifying things he says. For example, in August of last year, 96 percent of voters said they thought Santorum could not possibly be serious when he said gay marriage was "an issue just like 9/11," compared with only 9 percent today. And in that same time span, the number of voters who believe Santorum was not at all kidding when he said the president had a "deep-seated antipathy toward American values and traditions" has increased more than tenfold.

While few voters said they had been following Santorum long enough to have read the 2002 Catholic Online article in which he attributed sexual abuse in Boston-area Catholic churches to the "academic, political, and cultural liberalism" of the region, all agreed his performance in the current campaign was more than adequate to drive home the difference between the candidate's authentic lunacy and the obvious pandering of his primary opponents.

"I get that Romney's just mouthing words he doesn't mean and Gingrich is a really astounding hypocrite," said Seattle voter Kara Gallardo, a lifelong Republican who nevertheless admitted she felt a creeping sense of dread as she began to grasp that the words uttered by Santorum could not be more heartfelt. "But when Santorum says that contraception is dangerous because sex is supposed to be procreative, he is not messing around. If he becomes president, you know he sincerely plans to do something about it."

"I mean, with the other guys, you can dig into their past and find at least some shred of rational thinking, even if they're cynically downplaying it now," Gallardo continued. "But I get the sense Santorum is speaking nothing but his completely unfiltered thoughts. I know it's weird to say this about a politician, but I sort of wish he were lying to my face at least a little."

While most voters said they grew progressively more troubled as they fully registered the fact that Santorum was being entirely earnest when he said Social Security was underfunded because abortions had critically reduced the number of potential taxpayers, some were more conflicted.

"It's nice to hear a candidate espouse his opinions without your BS detector going off even once," Margate, FL voter Lisa Bearden said. "He's kind of the real deal. Say what you will, but there's no denying he's got genuine integrity."

"Yep, terrifyingly genuine integrity," Bearden added.

Also in the news - "Worlds youngest person born"
http://www.theonion.com/video/worlds-you...orn,27514/

[Mister Agenda]

Thanks for the hilarity, that was awesome.

[DeistPaladin]

Is it just me or does anyone else think there was once a more noticeable divide between satire and reality? As in you could once pick up your local paper, read the headline and not pause for a moment to consider that someone was pulling someone else's leg?

[Minimalist]

Thanks for the hilarity, that was awesome.

If only it were funny and not true.

[reverendjeremiah]

Yeah well, what kind of an asshole supports making abortion illegal for rape victims anyways? Not just that, but call them gifts from god as well? What kind of scum lapping douchebag does it take to be to deny a rapped woman an abortion? Low lifes who wish to prevent rape victims from abortion should be openly mocked and laughed at. I wonder how such scum bags would act if they were on the receiving end? Would they still be opposed to abortion if they were carrying their rapist's baby?

"Yeah, we know you didnt want to get pregnant, but someone forced it on you and now you are. You should be thinking about your baby now."

Ive said it before, I say it again. If men could get pregnant abortion would be cheep and readily available at every 7-11 street corner. This isnt about sweet innocent babies, because as soon as the rapist kid is born, the same SHIT BAGS who oppose abortion on grounds of helping an innocent life will turn around as say shit like "eating isnt a right, your baby is on its own"

It isnt about innocent children to these scum fuck bastards. Its about being able to tell people what to do.

[Doubting Thomas]

While we're on the subject of contraception: Vatican dispatches elite team of bishops to sabotage contraception manufacturers

The Onion has an uncanny knack of getting things unfortunately right: Bush: Our long nightmare of peace and prosperity is over

---

It isnt about innocent children to these scum fuck bastards. Its about being able to tell people what to do.

Exactly. It's all about forcing other people to change their sex lives. These sick fucks can't stand to see anyone enjoying consequence-free sex. If anyone really thinks it's all about saving poor innocent children, then they've totally drank the Kool-Aid.

[DeistPaladin]

In other Onion News, the Pope forgives the abuse of priestly molestation.

VATICAN CITY—Calling forgiveness "one of the highest virtues taught to us by Jesus," Pope John Paul II issued a papal decree Monday absolving priest-molested children of all sin.

..."We must send a clear message to these hundreds—perhaps thousands—of children whose sinful ways have tempted so many of the church's servants into lustful violation of their holy vows of celibacy. The church forgives them for their transgressions and looks upon them not with intolerance, but compassion."

...However, not everyone within the Catholic church is so supportive of the pope's actions.

"What kind of a message is the pope sending today's children? That it's okay to seduce priests?" said one concerned Baltimore priest who asked to remain anonymous due to a pending court case. "With the pope's announcement, the church is essentially telling its youngest members, 'Go ahead and let Father So-And-So reach into your swim trunks at the church-youth-group pool party. It's okay, the pope will forgive you in the end.' Without fear of eternal damnation, how are these provocative young lotharios ever going to learn?"

"As the creep of secular humanism continues to chip away at our most sacred institutions, the Vatican has established a dangerous precedent," the priest continued. "We look to the church's authority for justice and righteousness, not politically convenient solutions that maintain the status quo. These nubile sinners should be held accountable for the damage they've done."

[reverendjeremiah]

YIKES DP...sometimes the Onion can go all out... That made even ME cringe.