Marriage problems with theist

[Roshambo]

Hey all, new member here, and troubled.

Over the last year, I've found myself moving from a kind of believing to casting it off mostly to the default atheist position. I read a lot about the subject lately (Dawkins/Hitchens/etc) and consume several debates and videos constantly.

While at a distance now from the family (Seventh-Day Adventists mainly) in IL (I'm in wife's home state of CT) I find myself at odds now. I went through SDA Christian schools on and off, stopped after 2 years of boarding school and finished public school the final 2 years.

I then joined the Marines for 4 years, mostly agnostic. Met my wife around 2009 and married her, got out in 2010 and visited IL for a year while going to college, now we're in CT and I'm going to state college.

While dating we spoke briefly about religion and kids and how we'd probably put them in church schools, and she mostly grew up just going to church but stopped long ago and holds the distant belief without practicing really.

Over the last few months I've come across great minds and works by writers, and also those awesome debates, and I find myself completely atheist now. The wife notices this, and while she hasn't been to church at all and we never spoke of god really, barely ever, she is incredibly pissed now. She slowly got mad that I was watching stuff and that I was intrigued but she didn't share the intrigue I did. She's mad at where I've ended up, and we just got into a huge argument back and forth about things, mostly ending with "well, if we have kids (we don't now) how will they be raised. This is serious and I need to think about this..." then emotional situation for her followed.

My question to anyone who has been through this, or has helped a friend through this, is what to do now. We have an young marriage but we love each other a lot, and depend a ton on each other. We are both in college, and picking up and splitting up (if it comes to that) is not really an option for a long time (I'm 50% disabled and depend entirely on my G.I. bill and disability while going to school - can't stop mid semester, etc)..what should I expect and what is the best thing to do for both of us? I don't want to be a pushover and ignore my perspective of facts and disbelief, and I don't want to be a douche-nozzle and keep pushing things on her.

Thank you

[Shell B]

First off, I'm sorry to hear that you are disabled. I assume you went overseas?

More on topic, if you really love each other, you can still raise children together. There is no reason why the children should only be exposed to one belief or lack thereof. You can both encourage your children to think properly and see what they come up with on their own. If I were you, I would compromise on such things as baptism, but reason with her regarding Christian schools, as children are not taught how to think but rather what to think in such places. Also, they may run into conflict because you are an atheist. Long story short, it can be done. There are many here who have done it. Mutual respect is key.

[Minimalist]

I'd say that you need to find out what she is really pissed off about. It might be that you took a "journey" without her.... (women do NOT have to be rational about shit like this.)... because it sounds impossible that she could be that upset about a religion she doesn't care about.

I suspect she anticipates family "problems" but I'm just guessing.

[Shell B]

Min has a point. There could be something else pissing her off.

Men aren't rational, either, Min. My ex used to get mad at me when I caught him doing stupid shit.

[reverendjeremiah]

Min has a point. There could be something else pissing her off.

Men aren't rational, either, Min. My ex used to get mad at me when I caught him doing stupid shit.

Jacking off with a sock puppet in the closet isnt stupid shit

[Shell B]

Min has a point. There could be something else pissing her off.

Men aren't rational, either, Min. My ex used to get mad at me when I caught him doing stupid shit.

Jacking off with a sock puppet in the closet isnt stupid shit

Ha, if only my problems had been that simple. I would have laughed at that.

[Creed of Heresy]

Basically what Min said, yeah. Women like to use emotional smokescreens for their real anger. But it works for both genders. More manipulative-minded men tend to use one thing as an excuse to cover anger over something they perceive to be much more minor, something much less worthy of their anger, something they REALIZE they shouldn't be angry over but still can't quite shake that feeling. Or...maybe it's just me that does that. Hahaha...haha...haah....heh...hm.

But anyway...ask her if she'd willing be willing to try doing this with you, rather than being apart from it, let her a part of it. I mean, you guys love each other and are married; this could be a defining part of you guys' relationship. For better or for worse, mind you. I'd advise against becoming religious again for her sake. Not because believing is bad but because it wouldn't be real, it'd be false. You'd be fake for her, and that'll eat away at your love. So...yeah, see if you can get her to open up to the idea of atheism with you.

And please, please, PLEEEASE, spare your children church-schools. They don't need that indoctrination. Let them just go to a public school, those are quite adequate for educating your children, and let them find their own way in non-essential matters like 'faith.' If they find they believe, let them. If not, let them not believe.

[Erinome]

She's scared of losing the faith blankie. I understand. It can be a hard one to kick off, that's for sure.

I've been through this. It didn't work, and quite a bit of it had to do with differences in ideals. I'm not saying your relationship with your wife won't work out, but you need to get all of this settled before you have children, because that complicates matters like you would not believe.

Either you have to concede to let your children be brought up believing fairy tales are reality, or she has to concede that her faith is based upon lies. You really can't have it both ways. It's not like a Catholic and a Jew, who both believe different variations of the same load of shit are true, this is a fundamental difference, and kids don't need to be in the middle of it.

[reverendjeremiah]

Min has a point. There could be something else pissing her off.

Men aren't rational, either, Min. My ex used to get mad at me when I caught him doing stupid shit.

Jacking off with a sock puppet in the closet isnt stupid shit

Ha, if only my problems had been that simple. I would have laughed at that.

... and I would have invited you to help with the show.

[The Grand Nudger]

You love your wife, one joe to another, don't fucking bullshit me? It's pretty easy to proceed from there.
(my wife and in-laws aren't as batshit christian as SDA, but close enough)