No more Mr Nice Stimbo?

[Cyberman]

It is?

Ah but then I'm not the one confusing empathy, sentiment, or just plain being in touch with one's emotions with effeminacy. If I was feeling mean I might say one of us is probably a terminal virgin. Thank you for not making me feel mean.

For the rest, I do take your point in the manner it was most likely intended. All opinions are welcome and can even be revealing.

[John V]

It is?

Ah but then I'm not the one confusing empathy, sentiment, or just plain being in touch with one's emotions with effeminacy.

Neither am I. I'm saying that acting like a giddy schoolgirl is effeminate, and it is.

If I was feeling mean I might say one of us is probably a terminal virgin. Thank you for not making me feel mean.

Typical effeminate passive/aggressive behavior. Be a man. Forget the passive shit, just be aggressive for crying out loud.

For the rest, I do take your point in the manner it was most likely intended. All opinions are welcome and can even be revealing.

Seriously, try some of the stuff on that list. All these people telling you to be yourself (there were a couple notable exceptions) are full of shit. There's not a person on this planet who couldn't improve in some ways. Quit crying like a baby and do something about it. Heck, I'm not even suggesting that you lose the effeminate stuff. That's apparently who you are. I'm just suggesting you add some masculinity in your life, and be selective about when you reveal different aspects of yourself to chicks.

[festive1]

For what it's worth, I like you just the way you are, Stimbo. It has been my experience that we find love/companionship when we stop actively seeking it and just be ourselves. Think of it this way: Would you want to be with someone who wants to be with you when you're acting like something you're not? or would you prefer to be with someone who wants to be with you just as you are, the good and the bad? Everyone has dark parts, I'll accept yours if you accept mine. Sure it opens you to being hurt, but nothing risked, nothing gained.

[Cyberman]

It is?

Ah but then I'm not the one confusing empathy, sentiment, or just plain being in touch with one's emotions with effeminacy.

Neither am I. I'm saying that acting like a giddy schoolgirl is effeminate, and it is.

I'd like to see how you act when drunk. It should be most entertaining.

If I was feeling mean I might say one of us is probably a terminal virgin. Thank you for not making me feel mean.

Typical effeminate passive/aggressive behavior. Be a man. Forget the passive shit, just be aggressive for crying out loud.

Very well. Fuck off, troll.

For the rest, I do take your point in the manner it was most likely intended. All opinions are welcome and can even be revealing.

Seriously, try some of the stuff on that list. All these people telling you to be yourself (there were a couple notable exceptions) are full of shit. There's not a person on this planet who couldn't improve in some ways. Quit crying like a baby and do something about it. Heck, I'm not even suggesting that you lose the effeminate stuff. That's apparently who you are. I'm just suggesting you add some masculinity in your life, and be selective about when you reveal different aspects of yourself to chicks.

Interesting that you advise being selective about revealing different aspects. People can and do only respond to what I decide to share here, which represents the merest hint of my world and my relationship to it. I suspect that a comparison between that and what you decide to share might go some way to explaining the relative disparity between our respective reputation levels. For the record, if not exactly for your edification, I am indeed "doing something about it". Whether it will bear fruit remains to be seen. Almost all of the responses to this thread have so far been quite helpful to me in that regard.

I can hardly be blamed, I would have thought, for the bottomless depressive pit into which I was cast. I certainly didn't choose any of this; indeed, if I had such power as to make my choices affect reality, do you not think this wouldn't even be the last thing I would pick?

I agree that everybody has at least the desire to improve themselves, even though they may not have the means, or perhaps they do and are not aware of it. Here's a deal for you: you show me how it's done - improve yourself into a worthwhile member of our happy little band. Then I'll stop crying like a baby. Though in order to do that I'll have to start first.

[John V]

For what it's worth, I like you just the way you are, Stimbo.

Plenty of women like him just the way he is. That's not the problem. They don't want to bang him just the way he is.

It has been my experience that we find love/companionship when we stop actively seeking it and just be ourselves. Think of it this way: Would you want to be with someone who wants to be with you when you're acting like something you're not? or would you prefer to be with someone who wants to be with you just as you are, the good and the bad? Everyone has dark parts, I'll accept yours if you accept mine. Sure it opens you to being hurt, but nothing risked, nothing gained.

Yep, everyone has dark parts - and smart people don't expose them on a first date. Or second. They reveal it in pieces.

[Cyberman]

Think of it this way: Would you want to be with someone who wants to be with you when you're acting like something you're not? or would you prefer to be with someone who wants to be with you just as you are, the good and the bad? Everyone has dark parts, I'll accept yours if you accept mine. Sure it opens you to being hurt, but nothing risked, nothing gained.

I'm just a great big puppy. I'll happily trot along beside anyone who throws me a doggy choc and will carry on sniffing around just for that remote chance I'll get another, even if I'm kicked away and forgotten the rest of the time. However, not everyone is like me, in fact the women I've known including the person of recent discussion have been beautifully independent. It seems the myth of the Bad Boy has been comprehensively exploded, or at the very least isn't universally applicable.

I have indeed had such a relationship as you describe, someone who wants me just for me. I'll never have that again, but more to the point I never want that again. As I said earlier, I'll be constantly if unwittingly comparing what I'd have with what we already had - Sam used to say this, or Sam used to do it this way - and that's not fair to the other person or myself.

[festive1]

There's nothing wrong with comparing our prior experiences with our current ones. Everyone does it all the time, every day. That's how our brains are designed. Why can't you enjoy a new relationship while still cherishing a previous one? A new relationship will inherently be different than your relationship with Sam, because you've been shaped by your relationship with Sam and you'd be in a relationship with someone new. You don't have to lose Sam, you'll always carry her with you in your heart and mind moving forward. Perhaps instead of seeing things through a lens of nothing will ever be as good as it was (a good/bad dichotomy), try to see things through the lens of how good it is now. Not judging if it's better or worse, simply accepting that it's just different. It isn't unfair to the new person, provided you're honest about it and they know that you are still nursing the wounds from losing Sam. One of the best ways for us to grow is to share ourselves with others.

[Cyberman]

A lot for me to think about here and believe me I will. Maybe in time I will come to feel like sharing my life with someone else, a proper relationship again rather than temporary companionship, "friends with benefits" (which we've done before, back in the day, but maybe that's a story for another time and Area 69). In fact, I never imagined I'd find myself admitting that, so thank you for getting me to that point.

[John V]

I'd like to see how you act when drunk. It should be most entertaining.

I don't drink. If drinking makes you act like a schoolgirl, you shouldn't either.

Very well. Fuck off, troll.

Nicely done!

Interesting that you advise being selective about revealing different aspects. People can and do only respond to what I decide to share here, which represents the merest hint of my world and my relationship to it. I suspect that a comparison between that and what you decide to share might go some way to explaining the relative disparity between our respective reputation levels.

Here's more of the problem. You derive your self-worth from what others think of you. Men don't.

For the record, if not exactly for your edification, I am indeed "doing something about it". Whether it will bear fruit remains to be seen. Almost all of the responses to this thread have so far been quite helpful to me in that regard.

What are you doing?

I can hardly be blamed, I would have thought, for the bottomless depressive pit into which I was cast. I certainly didn't choose any of this; indeed, if I had such power as to make my choices affect reality, do you not think this wouldn't even be the last thing I would pick?

Consider [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control]locus of control[/quote]. Can you be blamed for having an external locus of control? I dunno. Blame isn't the issue - progress is.

I agree that everybody has at least the desire to improve themselves, even though they may not have the means, or perhaps they do and are not aware of it. Here's a deal for you: you show me how it's done - improve yourself into a worthwhile member of our happy little band. Then I'll stop crying like a baby. Though in order to do that I'll have to start first.

Happy little band? Seems every third thread in off topic is about how messed up you guys are.

[festive1]

Nothing wrong with temporary relationships or being friends with benefits, so long as all parties understand that's how things are with no guarantees for the future.