The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Dragon Ball Evolution. I have never watched a single episode of the original series. I'm familiar with some of the things about it, including a couple of the memes, but, frankly, as much as I like anime, the idea of an anime that lasts for several hundred episodes (the three original series that aired before this film alone make a total of 515 episodes) is a level of commitment that terrifies me. Fortunately, this American spinoff has nothing to do with the original series.

• The first rule is there are no rules. I guess this is the filmmakers admitting that they're playing fast and loose with the original canon. Starting with that extreme closeup of the white guy I think might be Goku, even though he looks nothing like Goku.
  
• Yep, the white dude wearing typical American teenager clothes is Goku. And given that a lot of characters in anime end up looking white, I'm not sure if this counts of whitewashing. And why isn't he blonde?
  
• So, there's a white guy named Fuller and an American high school. Why do I get the feeling that there was nothing like this in the original anime.
  
• You know, I wonder how far this American high school is from that Japanese country home.
  
• And why is this a Japanese sci-fi remake of I'm Not Scared all of a sudden?
  
• Chi Chi is a stupid/abnormal name... why do I get the feeling this is culturally insensitive?
  
• Well, that locker opening stunt is going to cause a lot of chaos for everyone whose shit fell out.
  
• You made Fuller so angry he just decided to re-enact Michael Jackson's "Black or White" video!
  
• So, Piccolo gets pissed at not finding the Dragon Ball, so he destroys grandpa's house? Is he this petty in the original source material?
  
• And why is the house intact enough for Goku to move around in (and even have the food prepared the previous night still intact) when it was previously a pile of rubble?
  
• Bulma Briefs? You know, I'd say that was a preposterous name, but given that I know for a fact that that was her actual name in canon (give or take an "s"), I'll let that slide.
  
• Well, Goku's pitching this plea to help save the universe like he's reading off a cue card.
  
• So, Master Roshi lives in the house on Paper Street? 
  
• Wow. Chi Chi just made this random dude do a Wilhelm Scream.
  
• So, they evidently have the same magic system from Avatar: The Last Airbender? And I checked it:  in the show, they're called Ki attacks.
  
• One more outburst like that, and the bad guy's out of here? Then do it again!
  
• That's somehow the most badass looking blood donation I've ever seen.
  
• Also, why doesn't Piccolo put on something purple like in the anime? Or at least the Piccolo Dick meme? That said, if only they put as much effort into the rest of this movie as they did making James Marsden's face look vaguely like Piccolo.
  
• Why is nobody getting fried by that lava?
  
• Sifu Norris? You know, of all the adaptations of anime that could do with a black face, the one with a character notorious for looking like a racist stereotype is not one of them. To be fair, Ernie Hudson looks like a normal black person and not something out of a poster for a minstrel show.
  
• Wait, how did Piccolo get the other Dragon Balls? 
  
• So, the day is saved by Goku being himself so he can stop from turning into Oozaru, which allows him to be both Oozaru and himself?
  
• Why can't Piccolo use his telekinesis to get one of the balls when it rolls away when he was willing to use it to destroy Gohan's house?
  
• Why is the Kamehameha attack so underwhelming? 
  

And I'm going to spin the wheel for the next week's comedy film. And of the four choices, the wheel picked: Best Night Ever, wherein Seltzerberg decided to make a mockbuster of Project X for whatever reason.

[Gwaithmir]

[Angrboda]

Spongebob Squarepants: Sponge On The Run.

[Angrboda]

Free Guy.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting PRoject is Best Night Ever, their one movie to not be a parody. Well, technically it's more of a ripoff.

• You know, I don't really do strippers, especially not male strippers, but are lap dances normally this... rapey?
  
• So, I thought this was going to be a ripoff of Project X, what with the found-footage conceit applied to a party about a comedy, but it seems to be more one for Bridesmaids and The Hangover, since it's specifically about a bachelorette party in Vegas.
  
• Also all the random angles really make it look like they're cheating the whole "found footage" thing.
  
• Has there even been much comedy in this movie so far? I don't know, besides the blonde being bizarrely hypersexual? And ladies, are you normally this excited by a dude's ballsack?
  
• And to think that in one of these rooms, Nicolas Cage is drinking himself to death.
  
• Why the fuck was whoever shot that load jacking off in shooting distance of the light socket? And can you actually jizz onto the ceiling? My own personal record for distance was right below my right armpit.
  
• And the blonde is leaving her two kids alone so she can go to Vegas and fuck so many guys that she looks like a dalmatian when she's under a blacklight? Is this what incels think women over the age of 25 are like? Is this the betabuxx myth? And how does an iPhone even get to do a proper blacklight effect?
  
• Yep. It's the same rapey-looking lap dance from the beginning. Were Seltzerberg that low on material?
  
• You know, I could just listen to "What's Up" by Four Non-Blondes in all the time for it take for this nothing to happen. Or find the My Dick Band cover version where most of the lyrics are "My Dick" over and over, which is somehow not on YouTube even though most of the rest of the album is.
  
• Well, at least it's all on tape, if she ever wants to re-live the abortion that was this attempted Bridal Shower
  
• So two people are going to take just some random pill that one of them took from an ambulance? I did not expect their survival instincts to be this shit. 
  
• Well, at least, given that one of the girls is forced to go barefoot because a robber took her shoes, some foot stuff gets involved. Goddammit, why didn't this happen to me when I went to Vegas?
  
• Poke a girl with curly hair? What kind of list is that?
  
• A rapping  pig? Is that anything like a rapping dog?
  
• Crap, this is like a stupid version of the Clutter family killings, isn't it?
  
• Is there a trope for someone who comes out of consciousness after a woman pees on him? Because I saw the exact same thing in Dance of Reality, except the woman was singing a high note at the same time.
  
• Is the fact that these women are hypocrites for decrying a bachelor party for infidelity when they're doing the same damn thing? 
  
• So, is that it? Any real resolution? Any character development? 
  
• How the fuck did that fat naked guy go down several stories faster than the elevator.?
  
• Okay, so now it's a horror movie. In the last ten minutes?
  

Not going to do the wheel just yet. It's March in a few days and I have to make sure that what's on the list is actually going to be there in the next few days.

[Angrboda]

[Foxaèr]

Free Guy.

I wanted to see that one. Was it any good?

[Angrboda]

Yes, Free Guy is pretty good. I enjoyed it. Ryan Reynolds is fun to watch.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Deadly Lessons

• The first 30 seconds of this film consists of a black screen, a single title in Comic Sans, and Henry Zebrowski's impression of Joseph Kallinger. 
  
• They're apparently very proud of the title sequence enough that they put it in the opening credits, but evidently they're ashamed enough of it that they keep giving the camera a seizure before we can actually see the names?
  
• Q. Mark? Did the dude who wrote "96 Tears" direct this movie?
  
• Children are flying and I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
  
• One of these boys is literally named Billy Boy?
  
• So, does this imagined flying cover things like engine failures? Or terrorists hijacking it? Because this was made two years after 9/11, even if it took over a decade for it to be released to streaming.
  
• So, Simon Conjurer is a  Gary Stu who thinks handcuffing a kid and leaving him in the middle of town with a couple bucks is a good idea?
  
•  Why is Jon Voight dressed in this ridiculous fatsuit, why does he hate Simon Conjurer, and why the fuck did the writers think the name Dr. Crazyx was a good one?
  
• Does he even know what most of these words even mean?
  
• What would be the point of looking at a lottery ticket in the middle of class?
  
• The God's Not Dead movies have a better grasp on irreligious people than this movie. Hell, they had a better grasp of literally everything than this movie.
  
• Scorpio has scars on his face? No, he doesn't. 
  
• Your left pec is not over your heart.
  
• So, Simon Conjurer has the power to retroactively add scars to people? 
  
• Huh. The bipolar girl goes commando. Nice.
  
• Simon Conjurer apparently wrote the Never-Ending Story. 
  
• And why is Dr. Crazyx constantly eating candy bars? 
  
• So, the kid jumped to his death because he thought he could fly out a window? Nice to see that there's some actual flaws with his method. And he's apparently innocent somehow.
  
• Apparently, the fat guy developed an overeating habit because his mother would beat him if he put on another pound?
  
• Okay, so he apparently developed the habit because of some people who broke  into his house and helping somoene with an anxiety attack cured it? If only shit was that easy. 
  
• Channeling his anger into justice somehow makes him better? Has nobody watched Dexter? Okay, maybe it wasn't airing at the time this was shot.
  
• Well, at least they saved that cigar box guitar.
  
• Does Dr. Crazyx even have a first name? 
  
• Suicide is not that bad? And he's giving her that note in a book?
  
• I lost my teeth in a poker game and won them back in a crap game. Except that's not my teeth?
  
• Why does he keep a big snake in his living room? Maybe he's using it as a brothel for Huggy Bear.
  
• Why does he have the Library of Alexandria in his home?
  
• Is that bipolar girl threatening to kill herself supposed to make me think of Blazing Saddles, because that's exactly what this scene is reminding me of. Even if she's flashing back to a traumatic memory.
  
• Fucking Christ, having a single epiphany does not cure you of whatever mental problem you've got.
  
• The same liquors with the same amount in the bottles? DAMN that's a big coincdence.
  
• So, they just cured three people in as many minutes? Why the fuck is there still an hour left in this movie.
  
• You do know smoking doesn't actually hide your face, right? 
  
• And he's afraid of death, so he picks up smoking? A habit that's been linked to a shitton of health issues?
  
• Why is the suicidal kid who thinks he's Brando narrating? 
  
• Fucking Hell, they're using this book as a random plot device to justify how random this plot is.
  
• Anorexia is selfishness, and also the same as bulimia?
  
• So, he has a button that catapults a live piglet straight into the mouth of his snake? And to think that a few minutes ago, we had to deal with a girl reliving her past trauma where she witnessed her father run some kid over without a second thought.
  
• So Crazyx killed Conjurer's wife? 
  
• So Crazyx has installed something in the rooftop of his home that hides a scimitar and a fucking plank for Conjurer to walk off of. And he gets him to fall off by waving that scimitar around and pointing his pistol at him at the same time. It's a wonder that Crazyx doesn't fall off the fucking plank himself.
  
• He can't read? He can't fucking read? How the fuck does Dr. Crazyx win a Pulitzer when he can't even fucking read? And why does he keep the entire Library of Alexandria in his home in the first place?
  
• YOu have got to be fucking kidding me. The wife Crazyx supposedly killed is still alive. And Conjurer (last seen falling to his death) decides to fuck her while she's showering in this rejected furnishing from the Rainforest Cafe? And the sight of the two fucking is enough for the gay kid to turn straight? And he's gay because he walked in on the Catholic School adaptation of The Human Stain happening in front of him?
  
• Okay, you know what, I'm not even mad at the fact that he somehow fell onto a truck full of mattresses. But why the fuck is Rebel in that truck?
  
• And the gambler had his big epiphany off-screen? And it's because he has bad luck, which is kind of the exact wrong thing a gambler should have.
  
• And the text vanishes when each character's arc is finished? Because the books were always blank and your mind was supposed to fill in the blanks? Even when you read shit about other people's arcs? And then Anorexic girl talks about some other twist that makes this make even less sense, like this is some fan theory for House of Leaves?
  
• And of course he's dumb enough to admit to the murder as he was being arrested. Of Course.
  
• And Rebel's arc ends when he talks to his long-dead father about the bet and the car he totaled.
  
• So, Rebel has developed gerontophilia?
  
• Okay, now I want to know what the fuck is wrong with this new seminar, because there's a guy with acne, someone with a headless baby, someone who likes to go fishing in the middle of a school building, and a girl with dozens of sungleasses, and that's not even going into the people I can barely make out.
  

Well, that was painfully long, at 137 minutes and 1 second. Fortunately, I've spun The Wheel of Pain and next week is Tales from the Quadead Zone, which is just over an hour, although if I remember the old Cinema Snob episode about it accurately, it's going to feel a Hell of a lot longer.

[Foxaèr]

A Madea Homecoming