My shitty posts
November 26, 2013 at 4:13 pm
(This post was last modified: November 26, 2013 at 4:16 pm by Tea Earl Grey Hot.)
Almost all my Reddit posts are in the "shitty" subreddits. Generally you ask stupid questions and get stupid answers in these places. These are my top upvoted posts (100+ up votes) from ShittyAdvice, ShittyAskScience and ShittyLifeProTips. Hope you don't mind me putting them all here. I think some of them are funny and maybe you might too and I just wanted to share them.
(LPT = Life Pro Tip)
I have to travel to Oregon. How do I get there without dying of dysentery?
LPT: When driving slowly through school zones, roll down your window and yell "I'M WATCHING YOU" so the kids know that you're a cautious driver.
I like to drive my "Sex Education Van" through neighborhoods to teach kids about safe sex. I sing songs, give candy...there's even a fun photobooth. But the parents keep freaking out. Some even call the cops. Why do they do this? I just want to prevent stds and teen pregnancies.
LPT: Utilize a thesaurus and expatriate all quotidian locutions from your oeuvre. Personages shall adjudge you to be more perspicacious for it.
My GF broke up with me and I can't stop crying. I've been repeatedly squirting the "No more tears" shampoo into my eyes and it's not making me any less depressed. Help?
I run a hotdog stand. I'm trying to get more business from the local Jewish community with my new kosher beef hotdog but it's not selling. It's called "The Anne Frank." Advice?
I'm having major writers block. I've been sitting for the past 30 minutes at Starbucks with my MacBook Air, drinking my Spice Mocha Latte, and wearing my best turtleneck and I still haven't gotten past the first paragraph of my novel. Help?
If you don't want a particular reddit user to see one of your comments, just put /u/ followed by his or her username in the comment. Now they're blocked and you can say whatever you want about them.
LPT: Don't forget to put on your resume that you were Time Magazine's Person of the Year in 2006.
LPT: Always use the "clean" setting on your oven when cooking food. It kills all germs that might be on the food.
Ok, so I finally made a MySpace account. Where is everyone?
After I win a Darwin Award, what should my next goal be?
I've been to several hardware stores and none of them sell morning wood. Where can I find some?
How do I tell straight A students from gay A students?
My dog has been sound asleep for a week and he's starting to smell. How do I bathe him without waking him up?
What's the recipe for a "shemale"? Is it like a tamale?
Whenever my older sister grabs my hand I start hitting myself in the face. She keeps telling me to "stop hitting yourself!" but I can't stop. How can I stop hitting myself?
In maps of the solar system, you see orbital lines that the planets follow. What are these lines made of? How did they form? Why can't I find real pictures of them?
My intense summer learning and study camp known as "Concentration Camp" isn't getting any attendees. Advice?
How do I use a pedometer to tell if I'm a pedophile?
If shooting stars grant wishes, could a large asteroid have enough wish granting power to stop itself from hitting earth if everyone on earth wished really hard at the same time as it's about to hit?
This place only has a unisex restroom. How do I tell if I'm unisex or not?
The audio on my computer doesn't work when playing .gif movies. What's wrong?
I'm having trouble marketing my delicious white chocolate energy bar "WHITE POWER!" Advice?
This is embarrassing. My girlfriend got me flavored condoms but my penis can't taste them. Anyone else have this disability? How do you cope?
Instead of doing reverse psychology, my friend accidentally did reverse physiology on me and now I'm pooping out my mouth. Help?
(LPT = Life Pro Tip)
I have to travel to Oregon. How do I get there without dying of dysentery?
LPT: When driving slowly through school zones, roll down your window and yell "I'M WATCHING YOU" so the kids know that you're a cautious driver.
I like to drive my "Sex Education Van" through neighborhoods to teach kids about safe sex. I sing songs, give candy...there's even a fun photobooth. But the parents keep freaking out. Some even call the cops. Why do they do this? I just want to prevent stds and teen pregnancies.
LPT: Utilize a thesaurus and expatriate all quotidian locutions from your oeuvre. Personages shall adjudge you to be more perspicacious for it.
My GF broke up with me and I can't stop crying. I've been repeatedly squirting the "No more tears" shampoo into my eyes and it's not making me any less depressed. Help?
I run a hotdog stand. I'm trying to get more business from the local Jewish community with my new kosher beef hotdog but it's not selling. It's called "The Anne Frank." Advice?
I'm having major writers block. I've been sitting for the past 30 minutes at Starbucks with my MacBook Air, drinking my Spice Mocha Latte, and wearing my best turtleneck and I still haven't gotten past the first paragraph of my novel. Help?
If you don't want a particular reddit user to see one of your comments, just put /u/ followed by his or her username in the comment. Now they're blocked and you can say whatever you want about them.
LPT: Don't forget to put on your resume that you were Time Magazine's Person of the Year in 2006.
LPT: Always use the "clean" setting on your oven when cooking food. It kills all germs that might be on the food.
Ok, so I finally made a MySpace account. Where is everyone?
After I win a Darwin Award, what should my next goal be?
I've been to several hardware stores and none of them sell morning wood. Where can I find some?
How do I tell straight A students from gay A students?
My dog has been sound asleep for a week and he's starting to smell. How do I bathe him without waking him up?
What's the recipe for a "shemale"? Is it like a tamale?
Whenever my older sister grabs my hand I start hitting myself in the face. She keeps telling me to "stop hitting yourself!" but I can't stop. How can I stop hitting myself?
In maps of the solar system, you see orbital lines that the planets follow. What are these lines made of? How did they form? Why can't I find real pictures of them?
My intense summer learning and study camp known as "Concentration Camp" isn't getting any attendees. Advice?
How do I use a pedometer to tell if I'm a pedophile?
If shooting stars grant wishes, could a large asteroid have enough wish granting power to stop itself from hitting earth if everyone on earth wished really hard at the same time as it's about to hit?
This place only has a unisex restroom. How do I tell if I'm unisex or not?
The audio on my computer doesn't work when playing .gif movies. What's wrong?
I'm having trouble marketing my delicious white chocolate energy bar "WHITE POWER!" Advice?
This is embarrassing. My girlfriend got me flavored condoms but my penis can't taste them. Anyone else have this disability? How do you cope?
Instead of doing reverse psychology, my friend accidentally did reverse physiology on me and now I'm pooping out my mouth. Help?
My ignore list
"The lord doesn't work in mysterious ways, but in ways that are indistinguishable from his nonexistence."
-- George Yorgo Veenhuyzen quoted by John W. Loftus in The End of Christianity (p. 103).
"The lord doesn't work in mysterious ways, but in ways that are indistinguishable from his nonexistence."
-- George Yorgo Veenhuyzen quoted by John W. Loftus in The End of Christianity (p. 103).
Pretty good!
