joke time

[Brian37]

Guy waits at a bus stop. Bus pulls up, he asks "How much?"

Bus driver, "5 bucks"

Passenger, "Why is the price so high?"

Driver, "That's a fare question."

[Rhondazvous]

Man is driving across a huge Indian reservation. He's running on fumes and by luck chances upon the only gas station on the whole reservation.
Man: How much for gas?
Cashier: Does it really matter?

[chimp3]

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. On her first day she began leaning to the right in her wheelchair. The nursing staffed rushed over and straightened her up. Then she began to lean to the left. Again, the nurses straightened her up. This went on all day. At suppertime her family came to visit. They asked if she had been treated well. Mom replied: "They are very nice. They just won't let you fart!"

[The Valkyrie]

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. On her first day she began leaning to the right in her wheelchair. The nursing staffed rushed over and straightened her up. Then she began to lean to the left. Again, the nurses straightened her up. This went on all day. At suppertime her family came to visit. They asked if she had been treated well. Mom replied: "They are very nice. They just won't let you fart!"

And oldie (pun intended), but a goody.

[Darinda]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The F_ _king Arab.

[Rhondazvous]

A mother sends a letter to her son at boarding school. Not an email. To show him how much she loves him, she sent a real letter on paper with a envelope and stamp.

PS. I was going to send you some money, bt I already sealed the envelope.

[Darinda]

Baptizing an Irishman 
 
A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. 
 
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher... 
 
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 
 
'Are you ready to find Jesus?' 
 
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' 
 
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' 
 
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' 
 
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. 
 
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' 
 
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.' 
 
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 
30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you 
found Jesus?' 
 
(Are you ready for this????) 
 
 
 
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'  

[Fireball]

Seniors in Florida –
Two elderly ladies are sitting on a front porch in Punta Gorda. One lady turns and asks, ‘Do you still get horny?’
The other replies, ‘Oh sure I do.’
The first old lady asks, ‘What do you do about it?’
The second old lady replies, ‘I suck a lifesaver.’
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ‘Who drives you to the beach?

[Darinda]

The  wife and I  were sitting around the breakfast table one  lazy Sunday morning.  
  

  I said  to her, "If I were to die suddenly,  I want you to   immediately sell all my  stuff.." 
  
  "Now  why would you want me to do something like that?" she  asked. 
  
  "I  figure that you would eventually remarry  and I don't  want  some asshole using my  stuff..."
  
    She  looked at me and  said: "What makes you think I'd marry  another  asshole?"

[Brian37]

How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because nobody is alive to do it.