joke time

[Thumpalumpacus]

The local convent was organizing a charity bakesale with a nearby monastery, but with some last-minute difficulties, Brother Gregory had to walk over to the convent so that he and the Mother Superior could iron out the problems.

Now, the convent was in a pretty rough part of town, and Brother Gregory had to make his way past whores plying their trade. Finally, though, he got to the convent, where he and the Mother Superior got down to business. After making all the arrangements, the nun asked the monk if he had any more questions.

"Why, yes, Mother Superior," he said, and explained how he had walked over to the convent. "Now, I know what a 'good time' is, Mary Agnes," he finished up, "But what, pray tell, is a 'blow job'?"

"Oh," she replied, "Ten bucks, same as downtown."

[downbeatplumb]

Two nuns were being driven around an old part of Edinburgh going back to their convent.
One of them noticed that the taxi driver was taking her a novel route and said "I've never come this way before" to which the other nun said "Aye, its the cobbles"

[FatAndFaithless]

Ghandi was a famous human rights activist in India that greatly contributed to the country gaining its independence from England. He was well known for his humble living style, even going so far as to not wear shoes which made his feet hard and cracked, a sign of his connection with the common man. His spirituality was a powerful factor in gaining support from both domestic and international bodies, and he was considered something of a spiritual leader. His frequent use of hunger strikes, however, left him very weak later in his life, and his strict diet also contributed to his notoriously foul breath. On the whole though, this man will be remembered as a

Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

[Zack]

Pretty old but...

Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They fall through the holes in his hands.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Ghandi was a famous human rights activist in India that greatly contributed to the country gaining its independence from England. He was well known for his humble living style, even going so far as to not wear shoes which made his feet hard and cracked, a sign of his connection with the common man. His spirituality was a powerful factor in gaining support from both domestic and international bodies, and he was considered something of a spiritual leader. His frequent use of hunger strikes, however, left him very weak later in his life, and his strict diet also contributed to his notoriously foul breath. On the whole though, this man will be remembered as a

Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

Ooooh, punnery --

Once there were two seafloor buddies, Larry the Lobster and Sam Clam. They were bff, doing everything together, inseparable, until one day there was an underwater landslide which covered the seabed and killed them both.

Now, Larry was a devout litle lobster, worshipping in his own arachnid way, but Sam, well, he'd always had more than a smidgen of doubt, so when they died, they rode different escalators: Larry's going up, and Sam's, well, it was downhill all the way.

So Larry's in Heaven, he's got his standard issue harp, his wings and his halo, but he's just not himself -- mopey and pining for his best bud Sam Clam. One day Saint Peter notices this and asks, "Say, Larry, aren't you happy? This is Heaven! What can your problem be?"

"Well, St. Pete, I miss my buddy Sam, and no offense, but it's just not like Heaven when I miss him so."

The venerable saint scratches his beard and thinks for a moment, and then says, "I'll talk to the Old Man and see what we can do."

The next day, the Saint tells him, "Larry, I spoke to the Chief about this, and he agreed to you going down to visit Sam for a couple of hours."

Larry was ecstatic. "Oh, thank you, Sir! This is terrific!"

"Now, Larry, the way it will work is this: you will check your wings and halo at the Pearly Gates, but you will take your harp down there," and his face wrinkled at the thought of such an awful place. "You must be back by midnight, and not one minute late! Your harp will be your pass to get back in."

So Larry rushes off to the Gates, and checks in his gear, and grabs an elevator going down. Finally it comes to a stop, and he sees a demon waiting for him. "It's about time, we've been expecting you. Let me show you to Sam's Place."

Now, Sam Clam hadn't been idle in Hell; in fact, he'd been tearing things up with his joy for life. He'd started a dance club where cheap drinks and shitty dance music played, and though there was no air-conditioning in the joint, it was the hoppingnest place around.

As you can imagine, their reunion was a joyous affair, filled with many rounds of drinks and some hot little seahorses dancing around, and reminiscing and just some good happy times, when suddenly Larry looked up at the clock, and realized it was 11:58. He panics. "I gotta go!" he shouts, and takes off for the nearest elevator, furiously pressing the Top Floor button until it glided to a stop and he steps out with seconds to spare. Stepping up to the gate, he nods at Gabriel, who had to pull graveyard duty that night, and asks for his wings and his halo.

"You're Larry?" asks Gabriel. "Where's your harp?"

Larry turned whiter than a flounder's belly, and slaps his head.

"Oh dear, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

While hearing confessions, Father Pat got a message that one of his parishioners was dying and in need of Last Rites. He drew the head altar boy to one side and whispered, 'Jimmy, I've got to go out. Sit in the box for me and hear the confessions. You've heard me do this a thousand times, just give the same penances you've heard me give. I'll be back as quick as I can manage.'

Nervous as a virgin at an orgy, Jimmy enters the box. An elderly woman enters and confesses that she missed Mass once, swore at her husband, and kicked the cat. Jimmy gives her ten Hail Marys and says to put ten quid in the poor box.

Then next few confessions are similar - minor, venial sins. Jimmy's confidence is growing accordingly, when Jeannie O'Hare, town strumpet, enters the booth.

'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I met a man at the pub last night. One thing led to another and I let him pleasure me in the "bad place" and let him use my mouth.'

Stumped for a penance, Jimmy sticks his head out of the confessional and shouts at one of the other altar boys, 'Oi! What does Father Pat give for anal sex and a blow job?'

And the answer shouted back was, 'Packet of crisps and a lift home.'

Boru

[Thumpalumpacus]

hahahahahaa

[Cyberman]

Bloke goes into a confessional. The priest says "Tell me your sin, my son."

Guy says "Father, yesterday I went to a casino in the West End and gambled all the money I had in the world."

"And now you're regretting your foolishness?"

"Oh no, father," said the man, "I won big. I won more money than I've ever dreamed of! And then I found myself in a top night club with a dozen hot porno actresses."

"So, you are feeling guilty for frittering your ill-gotten gains on loose women of easy virtue?"

"No, father," he said. "I had the time of my life. And then they took me to a hotel where they all fucked me in turn and all at once. I had bits of me in every orifice imaginable, and they gave me such incredible blowjobs, I'll be feeling them for weeks!"

"Well," said the priest, "it all sounds most sinful. You'd better say twelve Hail Marys and two Our Fathers."

"Oh, but I'm not Catholic, " said the man.

"Then why are you telling me?"

"Are you kidding, father? I'm telling everyone!"

[Raeven]

Ok, here's my favorite joke of all time:

Two sweet little old ladies from the South are lazily swinging back and forth on their porch swing, fanning themselves, sipping sweet tea and reminiscing about their Salad Days.

"Mabel," says the first, "Do you remember the Minuet?"

The second replies, "Hell, Bertha. I can't even remember the ones I fucked."

[Cyberman]

There's one about two little old ladies in a park and a flasher jumps out at them. One had a stroke, but the other one was too far away to reach.

But I don't know how it goes.