joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Her: 'I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.'

 Me: 'Good! We can cover more ground that way!'

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A patient pissed me off to the point where a shoved a couple of mallets up his arse.

Now he has hammerhoids as well as his original condition.

[Darinda]

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.”Let me tell you a story,” replied the Priest.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!”
“Simple”, replied the Priest…

“It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!”

[Brian37]

Three Aunts walk into a bar, and suddenly run out in panic.

The bartender was an anteater. 

The Aunts were bad spellers.

[The Valkyrie]

Three Aunts walk into a bar, and suddenly run out in panic.

The bartender was an anteater. 

The Aunts were bad spellers.

If aunts are murdered, the prime suspect is the Pink Panther.

"Dead aunt, dead aunt,
"Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt

[Brian37]

Three Aunts walk into a bar, and suddenly run out in panic.

The bartender was an anteater. 

The Aunts were bad spellers.

If aunts are murdered, the prime suspect is the Pink Panther.

"Dead aunt, dead aunt,
"Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt

Someone is familiar with the movie "Revenge Of The Nerds".

"Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver today"

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'I feel SO much better since I switched from coffee to orange juice at breakfast. My doctor says it's because of the vitamin C and the natural sugars, but I think it's the vodka.' - Anna Kendrick

Boru

[Darinda]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m freezing, and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?”

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, “I have a better idea, just for tonight, let’s make pretend that we’re married.”
The man says happily, “OK!” AWESOME!”
The woman says, “GOOD ….get your own darn blanket!!!”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I have a friend who works for a company that makes yardsticks. He just told me they won't be making them any longer.

Boru

[Darinda]

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”