joke time

[Minimalist]

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

[Rhondazvous]

This guy was in basic training when he received a Dear John letter from his fiancé. The little birch had the nerve to tell him to please return the photo she had given him. So he asked all the other guys in his platoon to give him pictures of their girlfriends, wives, sisters and cousins. Then he put them all in an envelope with a note saying, “Sorry baby, I’ve never been good at keeping track of things. Can you pick out the one that’s yours and send the rest back.”

[Minimalist]

A husband  went to the sheriff's department to report his wife was missing.

 Husband:           My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...           

Sergeant:          Describe your wife. What is her height?  

Husband:          Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.  

Sergeant:          Weight?  

Husband:          Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.  

Sergeant:          Color of eyes?  

Husband:          Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.  

Sergeant:          Color of hair?  

Husband:          Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.           

Sergeant:          What was she wearing?  

Husband:          Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. Idon't know exactly.           

Sergeant:          What kind of car did she go in?  

Husband:           She went in my truck.  

Sergeant:          What kind of truck was it?  

Husband:          It's a 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L

V8 engine         special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a

custom matching white fiberglass cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner and custom

leather 6-way         seats and "Bubba" floor mats. It has a trailer package with a gold hitch and

special wiring hook-ups, integrated DVD  player, full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel

CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four 110-volt power outlets. I added special alloy wheels

and off-road Michelins.  It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband

started choking up.  

Sergeant:         Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

[ignoramus]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Boru

[pocaracas]

Everybody's gone crazy!
They're walking miles and miles over virtual figures...
Just the other day, I almost ran over a group of them near Fátima.

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Pilgrims....

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[Minimalist]

 An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa da pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair who is impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a 
chauffer-driven Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’

‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.

"You a-gonna  try again."

[Rhondazvous]

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Boru

Alex, Abaris, help us out here. Oh but you can't. Poor dog.

[Minimalist]

Flipperwaldt

Is it about dolphins?

[ignoramus]

If you saw Clinton and Trump drowning, but you can only save one.
My question is:

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What type of sandwich would you make?

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