joke time

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Frantic phone call:

‘Doctor, my wife’s contractions are only two minutes apart!’

‘Is this her first child?’

‘No, you idiot - this is her husband!!’

Boru

[Darinda]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
“Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

[Fireball]

[ignoramus]

I just found a trophy shop! Now I kickass at most sports and can prove it!

---

Has anyone ever drowned in a pool on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean.

[Little lunch]

Can you come out?

Yeah, gimme a minute...Mum, I'm gay.

I know that silly.
I'm asking you to come out to the car.

Car, I'm gay.

[ignoramus]

I just farted in a full elevator. It was wrong on so many levels!

---

A business run by midgets was busted today for tax evasion. Apparently, they were getting paid under the table.

[Darinda]

Once a village bum went on an airplane for the first time. After some turbulence, the village bum asked the man sitting next to him to open the window so he can throw up.
The man told him the window cannot be opened so the village bum started beating up the man.
Soon a flight attendant came and asked him the reason for his behavior. After listening to his complaint the flight attendant told him about the barf bag. After a while, the flight attendant came and saw all the passengers barfing. Since the village bum was the only one not throwing up the flight attendant asked him what had happened.
To this, the village bum replied that as he was throwing up everyone stared at him so being embarrassed he drank it back.

[Little lunch]

Two village bums were sitting in an alleyway watching a cat lick its balls.
One said, 'I wish I could do that'.
The other said, 'you'll probably get a nasty face scratch'.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two teens from neighbouring farms are sitting on a fence watching a bull top a cow. The young man leers at the girl and says, ‘I’d surely like to be doing what that bull’s doing.’ The girl shrugs and says, ‘Go ahead - it’s your cow.’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

After serving the other two, the barman asks the rabbit what he wants.

The rabbit replies, "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect."