joke time

[The Valkyrie]

I knocked over a dwarf dressed as a son of Odin today.

"Are you hurt?" I asked.

"Just a little Thor," he replied.

I was Loki that I didn't hurt him more.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I knocked over a dwarf dressed as a son of Odin today.

"Are you hurt?" I asked.

"Just a little Thor," he replied.

I was Loki that I didn't hurt him more.

You’re going the right way for a good smack.

Boru

[Brian37]

Two wheat farmers got into a border dispute and ended up in hospital from shouting too loud at each other. "MY GRAIN"

[The Valkyrie]

I knocked over a dwarf dressed as a son of Odin today.

"Are you hurt?" I asked.

"Just a little Thor," he replied.

I was Loki that I didn't hurt him more.

You’re going the right way for a good smack.

Boru

Promises, promises!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two prostitutes are driving round with a sign on their car that says ‘TWO HOOKERS - $50’. A cop pulls them over and tells them that they can either remove the sign or get arrested. Just then, a car drives past with a sign reading ‘JESUS SAVES!’

‘Why don’t you pull them over for their sign?’ one of the girls asks.

‘That’s a religious message, they’re allowed,’ says the cop. The girls grumble a bit, but eventually remove the sign and drive off.

The very next day, the cop sees the same two girls in the same car, but with an even bigger sign. Thinking he’s got an easy arrest, the cop pulls them over. But when he walks up to the car, he realizes it’s a different sign and now reads, ‘TWO FALLEN ANGELS LOOKING FOR PETER - $50’.

Boru

[Divinity]

Why was the 15 year old Anti-Vaxxer so sad?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

[Darinda]

Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Geppetto about the problem.

Geppetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had se x with his girlfriend.

A week later, Geppetto asked Pinocchio, “So how’s it going with your girlfriend?”
Pinocchio said, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

An elderly man and a much younger man collide their carts at the supermarket.

‘I’m terribly sorry,’ said the older man. ‘I’m a little anxious because I can’t find my wife. I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going.’

‘That’s quite a coincidence,’ said the younger man. ‘I’ve been looking for MY wife for twenty minutes, and can’t find her anywhere. I was pretty distracted when I bumped into you.’

‘Well, maybe we could help each other by looking for both our wives,’ said the elder man. ‘What does your wife look like?’

‘She’s twenty four years old, has long auburn hair and blue eyes. She’s wearing a tube top, tiny white shorts and stiletto heels. What does your wife look like?’

‘Who cares?’ says the old man. ‘Let’s look for yours!’

Boru

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I was once kidnapped by a troupe of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Boru

[Darinda]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”