joke time

[A. Secular Human]

(Update for the irresistible force/immovable object conundrum)

What happens when an Imperial Stormtrooper tried to shoot a Starfleet redshirt?

Boru

This red shirt?

Scottie?

Nooooooo!

[pocaracas]

This red shirt?

Scottie?

Nooooooo!

Realax... he survived everyone else!





ooops




dammit



That's the right one!

[A. Secular Human]

Scottie?

Nooooooo!

Realax... he survived everyone else!





ooops




dammit



That's the right one!

I've got a pretty good collection of whisk(e)ys, from all over Earth.

Now, I just need some of that stuff from Aldebaran.

[Foxaèr]

Muslim: Allah?

Frenchman: No, a la.

[Nay_Sayer]

I was admiring my ceiling today, It isn't the best I've seen but it's up there.

[Darinda]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”

[The Valkyrie]

Danny isn't much of a drinker, but he goes to a work party and gets absolutely wasted.

He wakes up the next morning, naked, in bed, and with a terrible hangover. He opens his eyes and the sunlight blinds him.

Eventually, his vision clears and he sees he is in his own bedroom. On the bedside table he sees a glass of water, a red rose, some aspirin and a note.

Danny opens the note and it reads, "Danny, it seems you had a lot of fun last night. There are some aspirin here for you, your breakfast is in the oven for you. I'll see you when you get home. Love you -Julia!"

Dumbfounded, Danny gets out of bed, takes the aspirin, gets dressed and heads into the hallway. The hall is spotlessly clean, asbis the kitchen -not a thing out of place.

As promised, a full breakfast is waiting in the oven - bacon and eggs, toast, and a variety of fruit.

Just as he's finishing brsakfast, his son, Tom, walks into the kitchen.

"What happened last night?", Danny asks?

"Well, Dad, you came home completely wasted last night, well after midnight. You woke up the whole house when tripped over the cat. You knocked over the kitchen table, staggered upstairs, puked in the hall, and fell into the bed. You smelled terrible!"

Danny is confused, "If I did all that, why did your mother treat me so well? Breakfast, the house is immaculately clean, and I even had aspirin waiting for me!"

"I don't know, Dad," Tommy replies, the last thing I saw before I went back to bed was Mum trying to take your pants off and you shouting, 'leave me alone, I'm married!!'"

[Darinda]

A businessman and his wife are at a party and having a conversation with another couple-a bank manager and his wife.

The businessman is bragging about his belongings- “I and my wife went in my car to my beach house last weekend.”

The wife, annoyed, says, “Honey-don’t talk like that. Those things aren’t YOURS, they’re OURS. Say, ‘WE went to OUR beach house in OUR car.”

The businessman smirks turns to his wife, and says, “Okay, honey. Just thought I’d let you know that we got our secretary pregnant.”

[A. Secular Human]

Danny isn't much of a drinker, but he goes to a work party and gets absolutely wasted.

He wakes up the next morning, naked, in bed, and with a terrible hangover.  He opens his eyes and the sunlight blinds him.

Eventually, his vision clears and he sees he is in his own bedroom.  On the bedside table he sees a glass of water, a red rose, some aspirin and a note.

Danny opens the note and it reads, "Danny, it seems you had a lot of fun last night.  There are some aspirin here for you, your breakfast is in the oven for you.  I'll see you when you get home.  Love you -Julia!"

Dumbfounded, Danny gets out of bed, takes the aspirin, gets dressed and heads into the hallway.  The hall is spotlessly clean, asbis the kitchen -not a thing out of place.

As promised, a full breakfast is waiting in the oven - bacon and eggs, toast, and a variety of fruit.

Just as he's finishing brsakfast, his son, Tom, walks into the kitchen.

"What happened last night?", Danny asks?

"Well, Dad, you came home completely wasted last night, well after midnight.  You woke up the whole house when tripped over the cat.  You knocked over the kitchen table, staggered upstairs, puked in the hall, and fell into the bed.  You smelled terrible!"

Danny is confused, "If I did all that, why did your mother treat me so well?  Breakfast, the house is immaculately clean, and I even had aspirin waiting for me!"

"I don't know, Dad," Tommy replies, the last thing I saw before I went back to bed was Mum trying to take your pants off and you shouting, 'leave me alone, I'm married!!'"

That story is surprisingly sweet!

WTF?  Are you OK?

[The Valkyrie]

Danny isn't much of a drinker, but he goes to a work party and gets absolutely wasted.

He wakes up the next morning, naked, in bed, and with a terrible hangover.  He opens his eyes and the sunlight blinds him.

Eventually, his vision clears and he sees he is in his own bedroom.  On the bedside table he sees a glass of water, a red rose, some aspirin and a note.

Danny opens the note and it reads, "Danny, it seems you had a lot of fun last night.  There are some aspirin here for you, your breakfast is in the oven for you.  I'll see you when you get home.  Love you -Julia!"

Dumbfounded, Danny gets out of bed, takes the aspirin, gets dressed and heads into the hallway.  The hall is spotlessly clean, asbis the kitchen -not a thing out of place.

As promised, a full breakfast is waiting in the oven - bacon and eggs, toast, and a variety of fruit.

Just as he's finishing brsakfast, his son, Tom, walks into the kitchen.

"What happened last night?", Danny asks?

"Well, Dad, you came home completely wasted last night, well after midnight.  You woke up the whole house when tripped over the cat.  You knocked over the kitchen table, staggered upstairs, puked in the hall, and fell into the bed.  You smelled terrible!"

Danny is confused, "If I did all that, why did your mother treat me so well?  Breakfast, the house is immaculately clean, and I even had aspirin waiting for me!"

"I don't know, Dad," Tommy replies, the last thing I saw before I went back to bed was Mum trying to take your pants off and you shouting, 'leave me alone, I'm married!!'"

That story is surprisingly sweet!

WTF?  Are you OK?

The next day I set their house alight and left evidence it was Tommy, the only survivor.