I am a Christian Atheist... what? Help.

[Theoretical Skeptic]

OP,

If you want to cement the thinking atheist part, by all means read the Bible, read all of it.  Don't skip Numbers, Deuteronomy, or the endless Prophets. Read Kings and Chronicles in tandem and compare.  Read the Gospels that way too.  Make sure you check out the OT verses sited in the Gospels.   Compare what Paul has to say about himself what's said of him in Acts. It's the best recipe for making an atheist I know of. 

But I doubt it will help much with what you are feeling one way or the other.

It will help you be informed on the subject regardless of your conclusion. 

[Jericho]

Do you really believe in God, or do you just want to? Is it possible that what you're 'feelings' are just your subconscious trying to comfort you?

That is my take on it too. I want to believe it and my subconscious is trying to comfort me.

That is perfectly normal, to be honest. Your subconscious could very well be tricking you just so that you feel at ease for what your mind is thinking. I have actually felt that way mutilple times since I admitted to myself that I was an atheist. Do not fret, for you are not alone. It will pass in time.

[AdamLOV]

While your spiritual position is not an unenviable one, there have been examples of negative belief. Gnostics such as Simon Magus claimed that what most Christians believe to be "God" is, in actuality, the God-that-is-not, a false deity that presides over a world that was only created by accident. One could remain a Christian, in this view, while asserting the nonexistence of one's own God, knowing full well that this "God", which has been placed in suspension, is a mere counterfeit of something that perhaps never really was. Such a view is at least as old as Simon Magus' time, which was approximately the 2nd century A.D. So being a Christian Atheist is far from being as paradoxical as it would seem upon first impression.

[urlawyer]

Hi Tucker, thanks for posting. After reading your first post I can't help but draw tremendous parallels to my own journey. I was brought up christian and strongly felt that I was a christian for the majority of my life. However, I always thought like an atheist and saw many inconsistencies that I quickly pushed to the back of my mind assuming I didn't understand correctly or that there was some piece of information I overlooked.

I often feel the pull of christianity on me whenever I talk with christian friends or family and I end up having to remind myself why I'm atheist (usually I tell myself that common sense and personal feelings are the worst ways of objectively deciding whether something is true or not).

If you are even remotely like me, and I suspect you are, then I would say that you do not value your own opinion or experiences as much as you do the opinions and experiences of others. Remember that everyone is human and subject to criticism, be it your pastor, Billy Graham, Richard Dawkins or even Einstein. In the end, you are the one who decides what is true and real. You can't let anyone else provide your thoughts for you. That's what's called being a robot.