Indoctrination and how it has severly effected me.

[Socratic Meth Head]

Hi, I have recently registered here and I need clarification. I have been raised under Christ, If I ever told my mom about an athiest thought, she would discourage it, and move on. It seemed harmless at first. Then OCD struck. I was always doubting things and getting anxiety. About 2 months ago, I saw a video on Youtube by Richard Dawkins. I was intrigued. I saw the evidence for Evolution and realised that god isn't real. I was okay for 2 weeks, then I kept going back. "It's Satan." my thoughts said. "Is it Satan,or science." Then, I decided to make a deal with Satan. If he were truly real then the deal would come true and I would be screwed. If he weren't real the deal wouldn't happen and then Creationism falls apart. I did numerous deals. No Results. At All, nothing. "Okay, Satan isn't real so God must not be either." I am still doubting horribly. The thoughts my parents injected in my brain are killing me. It's horrible mental torment honestly. I know that god's not real. But I get this doubt that "He is real, this is Satan tricking you." I can't stop doubting. I can't tell if this is OCD, Indoctrination or both? I've always beleived in Evolution and I believed God and Evolution could Co-Exist. But now that that is disproven, I am constantly reffering back to the injected thoughts in my brain. "Mom always said a war between you and Satan would happen." "That is a very general and broad statement, that applies to anyone, plus I have a disorder that explains it."

I actually get anxiety about reverting back to a Christian now. I do not want God, I came to him countless times in dire need of help with my disorder, almost on the verge of suicide and he never helped me. He must not be real if he "designed" me with a HUGE mental flaw.

Are these thoughts normal to a Christian to Athiest convert and it is all but temporary and inevitable. Or is indoctrination ruining my life?

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Might I also add, my brother converted to athiesm a bit ago, and my parents converted him back to Christianity. I do not want to follow his path, so I am keeping it kinda secret from my parents until these doubts go away and I am of a solid, sound mind. I am working on removing the thoughts of old, but the doubt needs to go away first

[Alex K]

Welcome! Don't worry, none of this should be ruining your life - there are more important things than whether you believe in God or not. That being said, of course the christian God and Satan thing is a fairy tale, and a silly one. It just doesn't appear like that to you while you're so close. Wait till you can look at it with a more detached attitude and you'll see that it's just one of thousands of stories people have made up over the millenia.

[Chad32]

I've had doubts from time to time too. I was even convinced to go back to church once. I think what really broke it for me is that god presumably only wanted me to come willingly, and since I can't willingly worship someone who would do the kind of things done in the bible, i might as well not worry about it. if he wants me, he knows where to find me. Presumably he also knows what I need to see and hear to convince me, and if I don't get it, then he's just not putting in enough effort to convince me.

[Socratic Meth Head]

Welcome! Don't worry, none of this should be ruining your life - there are more important things than whether you believe in God or not. That being said, of course the christian God and Satan thing is a fairy tale, and a silly one. It just doesn't appear like that to you when you're so close. Wait till you can look at it with a more detached attitude and you'll see that it's just one of thousands of stories people have made up over the millenia.

Well, it matters a lot to me. The doubt consumes me and i need some sense of clarity. I see the evidence for Evolution and it makes sense. I remember always doubting god, and blindly sticking to the belief that any doubt was satan. Now i am stuck with anxiety, doubt, and a racing mind. All i can think about 24/7 is my OCD thoughts and God. Thats it. I lost all entertainment value in my life a bit ago and i am seeing a psychiatrist for some mental issues i have and the indoctrination will fade out soon i hope.

[Alex K]

It's good that you get professional help. Can I recommend reading and listening to some Skeptical resources? Sagan's Science as a Candle in the Dark, and maybe tune a bit into

[Socratic Meth Head]

I've had doubts from time to time too. I was even convinced to go back to church once. I think what really broke it for me is that god presumably only wanted me to come willingly, and since I can't willingly worship someone who would do the kind of things done in the bible, i might as well not worry about it. if he wants me, he knows where to find me. Presumably he also knows what I need to see and hear to convince me, and if I don't get it, then he's just not putting in enough effort to convince me.

Its far worse than what you seem to have picked up. Its not just a thought or two. It is all consuming. Mentally torturing. I can never decide. My mom forces me to go to church which makes me only have these thoughts more. I believe evolution though, i see it everywhere around me. But the way my parents have raised me has only set me up for this. I want to escape from god. But their trap of doubt=satan kills me

[Socratic Meth Head]

It's good that you get professional help. Can I recommend reading and listening to some Skeptical resources? Sagan's Science as a Candle in the Dark, and maybe tune a bit into

Im seeing a psychiatrist soon and i have been seeing a therapist every 2 weeks for my OCD but i need to discuss seeing him more frequently. I listen to evolutionary documentarys and videos of islamic/jewish/and christians getting served by Dawkins. I hope this is temporary. I want to break free of indoctrination and be free. I think my parents making me believe its a bigger deal than it actually seems is bas.

[ignoramus]

Your brain has been conditioned. That's all it is.
Imagine you have to use your other hand to write from now on.

It's hard and frustrating because of the mental training and conditioning.
All it takes is practice.

Critical thinking is something you learn. It doesn't occur naturally.
Give it time, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

We trust our parents growing up. As you grow up you will realise they are just 2 people doing their best for their kids based on what they were told. That's all.

[Minimalist]

You've already broken free of the indoctrination.  What you are doing now is looking back at a time of certainty and feeling nostalgic for the lie.  Relax.  You weren't indoctrinated in a day and you won't be free of the after effects of religion in the blink of an eye, either.

Stop watching videos - most tend to be superficial.  Get a hold of Richard Dawkins "The Greatest Show on Earth" and read it and absorb it at your own speed.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/11/books/....html?_r=0

Patience, friend.  Enlightenment will come.

[Chad32]

I've had doubts from time to time too. I was even convinced to go back to church once. I think what really broke it for me is that god presumably only wanted me to come willingly, and since I can't willingly worship someone who would do the kind of things done in the bible, i might as well not worry about it. if he wants me, he knows where to find me. Presumably he also knows what I need to see and hear to convince me, and if I don't get it, then he's just not putting in enough effort to convince me.

Its far worse than what you seem to have picked up. Its not just a thought or two. It is all consuming. Mentally torturing. I can never decide. My mom forces me to go to church which makes me only have these thoughts more. I believe evolution though, i see it everywhere around me. But the way my parents have raised me has only set me up for this. I want to escape from god. But their trap of doubt=satan kills me

Yeah, it can be mental torture for some people. Religion eats away at people's minds until they're willing to torment or even kill their own children in the name of something they can't prove exists. It's good to find places like this where you can let your feelings out.