Something I wrote for the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit (http://churchofthesmashingorangeybit.com) a while back. I consider it one of the best comedic writings I've done.
The previous chapter (Jaffasis 1) is also available at that site, but it is boring in comparison since it just goes over the creation of Jaffa Cakes.
For some context: McVities are a British company that make a small edible cake called a "Jaffa Cake" which has an orangey middle (the "smashing orangey bit" as they call it). The church was set up as a joke by some friends and I last year.
The previous chapter (Jaffasis 1) is also available at that site, but it is boring in comparison since it just goes over the creation of Jaffa Cakes.
For some context: McVities are a British company that make a small edible cake called a "Jaffa Cake" which has an orangey middle (the "smashing orangey bit" as they call it). The church was set up as a joke by some friends and I last year.
- Thus the Jaffa and the Cake were finished, and all could feed upon them.
- And on the day of the company launch, McVities ended their work, and rested.
- And McVities blessed this launch date, because they had worked ever so hard.
- This is the history of McVities and the creation of Jaffa Cakes, and should be taken as a literal account.
- And every tree that bears the orange fruit shall be designated for the company use; to be harvested for Jaffa Cakes. But there were still no consumers of the product.
- So McVities watered the orange trees, and decided to create the consumer.
- And McVities formed the consumer by creating a phosphate and deoxyribose sugar backbone with four types of nucleotides in between forming hydrogen bonds according to the law of complimentary base pairing which would code for proteins and therefore the phenotypic expression of traits, which was very fiddly work.
- And McVities created a town for the consumer to live, just outside the Jaffa Cake factory.
- And out of the ground McVities created a network of roads to connect the town to the factory, so that Jaffa Cake distribution would be easier.
- A river went through the town, because rivers are aesthetically pleasing and increase property value.
- And McVities named the river "River" because they were suffering from severe writers block.
- And McVities gave unto the consumer some gold, so that they may spend it on Jaffa Cakes to eat.
- The consumer liked looking at the river so much, that he demanded McVities to make another one.
- And so McVities made another river, but less aesthetically pleasing so that the consumer could dump waste it in without caring.
- And McVities told the consumer to look after the town and make sure it didn't pollute, but secretly suspected the consumer wouldn't listen at all.
- And McVities commanded the consumer not to eat of the trees, since they were designed specifically for the smashing orangey bit.
- The consumer asked, "Can I eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?", and McVities said "Sure, why not".
- And McVities decided to create some animals, to keep the consumer amused when he wasn't eating Jaffa Cakes or looking at the rivers.
- And McVities said "Let there be evolution", and there was evolution; and McVities saw that it was so awesome they couldn't believe they'd just invented it.
- McVities pondered whether several generations from now, people might argue over evolution, but decided they would solve that problem when they came to it.
- And McVities accelerated time, and all the animals came forth by mutations and natural selection, because this was the mechanism by which evolution worked.
- The consumer was now mighty angry that he had been all this time without a partner, so McVities created another consumer to be with him.
- And the woman asked "How does this reproduction work?", and McVities showed the consumers some dirty magazines, and they were most impressed.
- The man had a puzzled look on his face, and asked "Can we not have sexual intercourse with members of our own sex?", for he was a little bit gay.
- And McVities said unto him, "Of course you can. It is ok to be gay, but you will not be able to bear children this way." And McVities created musicals to make up for this fact.
