Divorce questions/thoughts

[ignoramus]

172, that's hilarious...
But it does explain why our local Victoria public transport is fucked up! lol! And they're not even ashamed to advertise it!

[Catholic_Lady]

Also, I'm curious to know... Why no sex in the marriage? Seems incredibly bizarre. I mean, just go to the bedroom, get naked, make out, and put the P in the V. I imagine there's a deeper issue as to why it isn't happening?

P in the V........Ok, Is that how it works? I'll give it a go. I wish someone had told me that 40 years ago! I was too embarrassed to ask!

That was for the OP. Honest question. Just don't understand a married couple not having sex for 10 years. I assume there's a huge piece to the story that's missing.

[Edwardo Piet]

[Aoi Magi]

Also, I'm curious to know... Why no sex in the marriage? Seems incredibly bizarre. I mean, just go to the bedroom, get naked, make out, and put the P in the V. I imagine there's a deeper issue as to why it isn't happening?

P in the V........Ok, Is that how it works? I'll give it a go. I wish someone had told me that 40 years ago! I was too embarrassed to ask!

Don't limit yourself to just two alphabets or it'll get boring fast... just sayin

[ignoramus]

Can I buy a vowel? An "A"?

[Joods]

Go with your gut. If you are in a marriage that you don't enjoy, then don't stay in it. You will only regret it more the longer you remain there.

You just need to find your inner happiness. And you shouldn't really start another relationship on any level until you resolve the one you are currently in. Learn to truly be happy with the knowledge that you would be perfectly okay being by yourself, if you never got in another relationship. Once you do that, you are ready to bring all of you to a relationship. You can't expect someone else to provide your happiness for you. And, if you can't bring your own happiness to a relationship, is it really fair to expect someone else to supply 100% of it for both of you? I say, learn to provide your own happiness and you will have a much better relationship because you won't be counting on your partner for your emotional stability and vice versa.

Divorce is hard on people. I've been there twice, myself. Felt like I wasted precious years with someone who didn't give a shit. But I have always learned something from every bad relationship I've ever been in. And that's not necessarily a bad thing when you can learn a lesson from something like that.

[Kosh]

P in the V........Ok, Is that how it works? I'll give it a go. I wish someone had told me that 40 years ago! I was too embarrassed to ask!

That was for the OP. Honest question. Just don't understand a married couple not having sex for 10 years. I assume there's a huge piece to the story that's missing.

The huge piece of the story is that people can fall out of romantic love with each other.  Sorry to be crude, but I got a shit load of fucking out of the way when I was in my 20's.  When your a male in your 40's and 50's, desire starts to have a larger impact on sexual health than the pure biological aspect.   Desire comes from needing someone and feeling needed.  When both of those are missing, there are other avenues for the biological process.  In my 20's I could and did put the P in the V without giving a shit who owned the V.

I believe part of the issue with my wife is that she is on antidepressants which can have issues with libido.  She and her doctor have played around with medications and even tried to taper herself off, but that wasn't a good scenario either.   Its basically turned into a lack of desire feedback loop.  When I look at her, I now see her as friend.  The thing is, she is a pretty woman.  But at this point maybe we've become too familiar and stale to each other.

This has been going on for a very very long time.  We were rabbits when we started dating (in our 20's), but honestly the drop in sex happened pretty quickly after we were married.  Few times a week, once a week, couple times a month, once a month, once ever other month.  I would say we were down to 3x a year about five years in.

[Joods]

P in the V........Ok, Is that how it works? I'll give it a go. I wish someone had told me that 40 years ago! I was too embarrassed to ask!

That was for the OP. Honest question. Just don't understand a married couple not having sex for 10 years. I assume there's a huge piece to the story that's missing.

Rob and I haven't had sex for almost two years. There's reasons why people don't have sex and it isn't always an obvious reason. I won't get into my personal reasons here, but it isn't always a simple solution nor are the answers always just, "well go have sex". It just doesn't work that way with many couples.

[SteveII]

I'm 50 yrs old and have been married for 25 years.  My wife and I have no children.  We both have good paying jobs with similar wages.  We work for the same organization so we have similar retirement benefits.  Marital property includes a home, and three vehicles.

The crux of the issue is that we have an intimacy issue.  We have for most of our married life.  In all other realms we are perfect for each other.  We get along, rarely argue, and have very similar social and political views.  I would even consider her my best friend.  We've talked about it in the past (she has also brought it up), but nothing ever changes.  Six years ago I got into very good shape hoping that it would spice things up a bit.  I really don't know if it made any difference to her.  One night years ago we were out and she had a few drinks.  She noticed the waitress checking me out, and said "You can have an affair if you want".  I played good husband and said I didn't want one.  I've never cheated on her even though I can count the number of times we've been intimate on one hand over the past decade plus.

Back around thanksgiving I decided to get myself back in shape for health reasons and to feel better. Shortly after starting, I came across something that hit me in the head like a 2x4.  I found a couple old letters that a High School girlfriend wrote me.  I didn't know they still existed, and I came across them quite by accident.  Back in the day we didn't text or Instagram, we wrote letters to each other.  My mother found the letters I had hidden, burned them, and forced me to stop seeing her.  These two letters escaped.  I hid them, and they've been hidden for 33 years.  This girl was not just any girl.  She was first love, and lost our virginity to each other.  I did a lot of soul searching.  Am I happy?   I'm comfortable, but that really isn't the same thing.

I found her fairly local, and I reached out.  She is single.  No children.  Not in a relationship.  I've seen her FB pictures and she's still the same beautiful girl I remember.  We've chatted on the phone quite a few times, and we have a date planned in a couple weeks.  I've been completely honest with her about my situation.  This is an excursion to test the waters.

I've spoken to friends about this.  At first they thought I should give my marriage a shot and try to work things out.  At this point I don't think forcing ourselves to have sex twice a week is really a viable option and seems a bit disingenuous.  I think we both see each other as comfortable roommates, but I've hit the point where that isn't enough.  I don't think I can will myself to fall back into romantic love.

I "think" my mind is made up.  If things go well on the date (not talking about sex), we'll see how things progress.  If we find that we still have that fire from long ago, I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce.   Have I lost my mind?

I didn't read all the comments, but have you tried counseling? Your situation is not unusual. I think divorce is for when all options have been exhausted.

[Abaddon_ire]

I'm 50 yrs old and have been married for 25 years.  My wife and I have no children.  We both have good paying jobs with similar wages.  We work for the same organization so we have similar retirement benefits.  Marital property includes a home, and three vehicles.

The crux of the issue is that we have an intimacy issue.  We have for most of our married life.  In all other realms we are perfect for each other.  We get along, rarely argue, and have very similar social and political views.  I would even consider her my best friend.  We've talked about it in the past (she has also brought it up), but nothing ever changes.  Six years ago I got into very good shape hoping that it would spice things up a bit.  I really don't know if it made any difference to her.  One night years ago we were out and she had a few drinks.  She noticed the waitress checking me out, and said "You can have an affair if you want".  I played good husband and said I didn't want one.  I've never cheated on her even though I can count the number of times we've been intimate on one hand over the past decade plus.

Back around thanksgiving I decided to get myself back in shape for health reasons and to feel better. Shortly after starting, I came across something that hit me in the head like a 2x4.  I found a couple old letters that a High School girlfriend wrote me.  I didn't know they still existed, and I came across them quite by accident.  Back in the day we didn't text or Instagram, we wrote letters to each other.  My mother found the letters I had hidden, burned them, and forced me to stop seeing her.  These two letters escaped.  I hid them, and they've been hidden for 33 years.  This girl was not just any girl.  She was first love, and lost our virginity to each other.  I did a lot of soul searching.  Am I happy?   I'm comfortable, but that really isn't the same thing.

I found her fairly local, and I reached out.  She is single.  No children.  Not in a relationship.  I've seen her FB pictures and she's still the same beautiful girl I remember.  We've chatted on the phone quite a few times, and we have a date planned in a couple weeks.  I've been completely honest with her about my situation.  This is an excursion to test the waters.

I've spoken to friends about this.  At first they thought I should give my marriage a shot and try to work things out.  At this point I don't think forcing ourselves to have sex twice a week is really a viable option and seems a bit disingenuous.  I think we both see each other as comfortable roommates, but I've hit the point where that isn't enough.  I don't think I can will myself to fall back into romantic love.

I "think" my mind is made up.  If things go well on the date (not talking about sex), we'll see how things progress.  If we find that we still have that fire from long ago, I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce.   Have I lost my mind?

Alrighty. Lot's of heavy stuff there.

Fair disclosure, I am 48 and 7 years a free man. Yes, my ex had serious issues with all forms of intimacy. All of them. Even down to a kiss or a hug. Sometimes, I wonder if there was something undisclosed in her past, but I am unlikely to ever find that out now. 

Nevertheless, post liberation, I sort of had a couple of years of feeling pretty miserable and then had an epiphany. Now I am the captain of my ship and the master of my destiny. And that really is liberating.  

That said, be under no illusion. Divorce is never an easy thing no matter how you slice it. Sure, you will hear of "amicable" divorces, but those are few and far between. Gird your loins, as it were, if you take that step. It might not even be your wife's desire to act that way, but it will be her attorney's advice.

And in that regard, I echo what others have said. If you decide to play offside before divorce, you will get destroyed in court.