Saints With The Best Stories

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

(inspired by the 'made-up saints' thread)

We all know that St George killed a dragon, St Francis got on well with birds, etc.  But which saints have had the absolute coolest  stories (true or not) written about them?

My money's on St Olga of Kiev (10th century).  After her husband was murdered by the Drevlians (who demanded that Olga marry one of their own princes), she agreed and asked the Drevlians embassy to come back to court the next day, at which point she had them buried alive.  Olga then sent a message to the Drevlians that they should send her a party of their 'most distinguished men' to Kiev, to serve as an honour guard to conduct her to the Drevlian court in style.  Unaware of what had happened to the first group, the second group was sent, and Olga promptly had them locked in a bathhouse and burned alive.  But wait - there's more!

Olga sent these poor, gullible saps yet another message, and explained that she had been distraught over her husband's death which accounted for her previous bad behaviour, but that she was better now.  If the Drevlians would prepare great quantities of mead so she could come and hold a funeral feast for her husband, she would marry their Prince Mal.  They did as asked, and Olga showed up with a retinue of servants.  During the feast, the Drevlians passed out from their heavy drinking and Olga and her entourage went about slitting five thousand throats (which I can only imagine was done with something approach joyous abandon).  Olga promptly went back to Kiev and raised an army to finish the job.

The end of the ensuing war was the siege of the city of Iskorosten, which lasted about a year.  Olga sent a message that, if the Drevlians sent her three birds for each house in the city, she'd pack up and go home [insert bad Admiral Ackbar impression here].  She had her soldiers tie small pieces of burning sulfur to the birds and release them.  The birds went back into the city, and promptly set it on fire.  Apparently having learned some restraint, Olga did not kill everyone fleeing the burning city - she killed some, enslaved some, and left the rest alive so there would be someone to pay her tribute.

She is the patron saint of widows, which seems entirely appropriate.

Boru

My kind of woman.

But surely patron saint of pissed off chicks is more apt?

Well, she did all that because they murdered her hubby (who - to be honest - wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer).

And the leader of the enemy should be the patron saint of fucking morons.

St. Gullible The Impressively Trusting?

Boru

[Anomalocaris]

The saint with the most uplifting story is undoubtedly the saint whose gestation was terminated before birth, and thus made the world a slightly better place with one less bullshit saint story.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The saint with the most uplifting story is undoubtedly the saint whose gestation was terminated before birth, and thus made the world a slightly better place with one less bullshit saint story.

Of course they're bullshit stories.  That's what makes reading them so fun.  The world would be a sadder, smaller place if it were for the hilariously trumped up tales of 'miracles' performed by human beings in an allegedly monotheistic religion.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

My kind of woman.

But surely patron saint of pissed off chicks is more apt?

Well, she did all that because they murdered her hubby (who - to be honest - wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer).

And the leader of the enemy should be the patron saint of fucking morons.

St. Gullible The Impressively Trusting?

Boru

But imagine what fun life would be if you could do now what they did then...

“They looked at her cat funny. So she burned down their city, slaughtered the people and enslaved the survivors*!”

I could get into that!

*I know slavery is wrong so they would become “indentured servants”. That’s completely different and perfectly acceptable, right Christians?

[Rev. Rye]

This may not be of the badass variety, but the story of Maria Goretti stuck with me since I found myself reading a book of saints at my Grandpa's.

To put it in a nutshell, Maria Goretti was a peasant girl. And even though she was only 11, through a possible combination of early puberty and living a hard life, she looked a lot older. This caught the eye of a local delinquent named Alessandro Serenelli, a boy of about 20, who repeatedly sexually harassed her and even tried to rape her three times. The third time was on 5 July 1902, and she told him she'd rather die than submit. Serenelli took an awl and obliged her. 14 times. She survived for about 24 hours, and, among many things (including telling the cops the fact that this wasn't the first time Serenelli tried shit like this) she prayed for Serenelli, saying she hoped he would join her in Heaven. I'm not sure this is a sign of wisdom beyond her years or severe naivete. Then she died.

This is where I'd normally use my Jesse Custer "mercy killing" meme, but the story doesn't end there.

Due to several factors, from Serenelli being a minor at the time, being immature even for that age, having an extremely toxic family, a mother apparently having a heartfelt plea for mercy that saved him from dying, to Italy's notoriously fucked-up legal system, he was only sentenced to 30 years in prison and only served 27 of them. About six years into his prison term, a bishop visited him and he lashed out. A few days later, he had a vision of Goretti in prison, surrounded by lilies, giving him some, which burned in his hands. From that day on, he was a model prisoner, and even wrote an apology/thank you note to said bishop, describing this about face. He prayed for her intercession every day. When he was finally released, he went to Maria Goretti's mother Assunta, begging her for forgiveness (note: do not try this at home, sex offenders.) And, since Maria herself forgave him on her deathbed, Assunta did the same, and they attended Mass together the next day. If Serenelli ever relapsed, nobody could ever find any evidence. In 1950, the two of them attended Maria's canonization, and Serenelli became a Capuchin lay brother, living in a monastery, cultivating the garden, before dying in his bed in 1970.

I'd be lying if I said that some of the attitudes in the narrative weren't questionable, but it had a profound effect on the six-or-seven-year-old Rev, and I think this may have helped me empathise towards even the bad people, and sure enough, within about a decade, eventually this snowballs into a teen who sees his mother watch Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell and can only think of it as "two hours' hate", and whose favourite movie is A Clockwork Orange, and it's less because of the famously "Ultraviolent" first act, and more for the third act once he gets out of the joint.

[Nay_Sayer]

Drew Brees set the all-time NFL record for career passing yards. This from a player whose career was in jeopardy after four great years with the San Diego Chargers due to a torn labrum and rotator cuff in his throwing arm.

I must have missed the bit where Drew Brees was canonized.

But, if we're going that far off track, Jonah Lomu played his entire career (1994-2007) with nephrotic syndrome, the kidney disease that would eventually kill him at age forty.  While fighting this disease, he played in 63 international matches, scored a total of 185 points, and scored fifteen tries in just two world cup matches.

Boru

You didn't specify which Saints in the title :3

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I must have missed the bit where Drew Brees was canonized.

But, if we're going that far off track, Jonah Lomu played his entire career (1994-2007) with nephrotic syndrome, the kidney disease that would eventually kill him at age forty.  While fighting this disease, he played in 63 international matches, scored a total of 185 points, and scored fifteen tries in just two world cup matches.

Boru

You didn't specify which Saints in the title :3

Ok, what am I missing?  Did he play for a team called the 'Saints'?

Boru

[Nay_Sayer]

You didn't specify which Saints in the title :3

Ok, what am I missing?  Did he play for a team called the 'Saints'?

Boru

Yep. New Orleans Saints. 

*Hugs*

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Ah.  Thanks for clearing that up.  What I know about American football would fit inside...well...an American football.

Boru