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RE: joke time
May 5, 2015 at 10:51 am
I made it up which probably means it's shit.
The home-e is meant to be a pun between homie and home E, as in home number 5. Politicians have lots of houses or something.
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RE: joke time
May 5, 2015 at 12:10 pm
A blind man walked into a bar. Then a fence. Then a wall.
CHRISTIANITY: The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
Makes perfect sense.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
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RE: joke time
May 5, 2015 at 5:58 pm
(This post was last modified: May 5, 2015 at 6:15 pm by Little lunch.)
Husband comes home to find wife watching Gorden Ramsey on TV.
'What are you watching that for, you think it'll make you better at cooking?'
'Probably not', she says,'considering how much porn you watch.'
I saw a dog licking it's balls this morning and thought, 'I wish I could do that'.
Decided not to in the end as I really don't know the dog that well.
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RE: joke time
May 5, 2015 at 8:37 pm
(This post was last modified: May 5, 2015 at 9:24 pm by IATIA.)
What are the three stages of married sex?
Newlywed sex
Bedroom sex
Hallway sex
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
May 5, 2015 at 8:54 pm
I always heard it was
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: joke time
May 9, 2015 at 1:46 pm
(This post was last modified: May 9, 2015 at 1:47 pm by IATIA.)
A newlywed couple are on their honeymoon and they are staying at a real nice suite in Galveston.
He is a big old pot-bellied redneck from way back and she is a sweet southern belle.
They get up to their room for the night and begin to commensurate their marriage.
He takes his shirt off and she takes her dress off.
He pulls his pants off and throws them across the bed to the sweet young thing and says, "Try these on.".
She grabs the pants and tries them on, but they are too big and baggy so she throws them back and says. "I can't wear these pants"
"That's right bitch and you remember who wears the pants in this family."
She pulls her panties off and throws them across the bed and says, "Try these on!".
He grabs the panties and pulls them up but cannot get past his knees.
In frustration, he rips them off and throws them back on the bed.
"I can't get in these fucking panties!"
"That's right, asshole, and you don't straighten up your act, you never will!"
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
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RE: joke time
May 9, 2015 at 1:48 pm
(May 5, 2015 at 8:54 pm)Stimbo Wrote: I always heard it was
Tri-weekly
Try weekly
Try weakly
Reminds of this old (really old) one:
What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Boru
‘But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods or no gods. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.’ - Thomas Jefferson
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RE: joke time
May 9, 2015 at 10:00 pm
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
No God, No fear.
Know God, Know fear.
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RE: joke time
May 9, 2015 at 10:43 pm
An old bull and a young bull are walking along a road. At the top of a ridge they see a small stream and on the far side a farm below with a whole herd of cows behind a corral.
"Wow!" Says the young bull. "Let's run down the hill, swim the stream, jump over the fence and fuck a few of them."
The old bull says, "Son, let's walk down the hill, cross at the bridge, go in through the gate, and fuck 'em all."
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RE: joke time
May 11, 2015 at 4:53 am
(This post was last modified: May 11, 2015 at 4:54 am by robvalue.)
A child said to his priest, "I've been reading the bible and it's confusing. I've never met a donkey that can talk."
The priest replied, "Ah, my child. The bible has many metaphors. So you should include metaphor in your statements about it."
The child thought, and then said, "OK, I see. I've never metaphor legged creature that can talk."
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