How's Everyone Feeling Right Meow?

[Iroscato]

JK, I'm just back to 100% and bloody starving. Gonna go graze for a bit.

[Joods]

Allergies are once again, kicking my ass. It wasn't enough that they kept me up last night and I got next to no sleep. Noooooo..... my left eye has to constantly water, my nose has to run and when all of that is happening, I have to sneeze continually. Just shoot me. Now.

[c172]

Clueless as to how I ant to structure my day, and I have a fair amount to do. I feel like I'ma hem and haw until sunset again, and accomplish nothing.

[Excited Penguin]

Forgot how that felt like...

I feel like I can't even talk about how I feel because of a bad precedent set by someone else. So that sucks, I guess.

But I can talk about my resolve, though. I'm never even going back. There's too much pain behind that door. Thankfully, I'm able to just ignore it. That's a mental skill I'll never be sorry I have. I can ignore my feelings about any one topic at will. Or can I still? I've allowed myself to feel too much, lately. Maybe that will come at a price. Maybe the bloodsucking demon will come to collect.

I'm simply terrified. The kind of pain that hides behind that door is just a little too much. I've never handled anything like that. Hell, I've been avoiding and ignoring my own emotions my whole life. Just turned them off completely. I can't deal with them like a normal person. I don't know... I don't know what I'm going to do if it hits me unawares. It might be tomorrow. It might be a month from now. It might never happen and I'll still be haunted by the thought.

I know this. I can't go back. There's nothing there. I have to keep ignoring it. There's only pain. There's nothing else.

Let me cling to the illusion that everything's fine and that the floor didn't just vanish right from under my feet. Maybe I'll regain some footing, eventually, and I'll be able to swim in deep waters again without having to climb that mountain first.

[account_inactive]

Happy.

Positive.

Etc.

I'm in a good mood right now, hope you're all having a pleasant evening.

[Losty]

Emotionally I feel fantastic. I'm spending time with my 3 nephews and my niece. My sister had a beautiful wedding and seeing my parents wasn't as horrible as I was prepared for. They're not that scary anymore I can take care of myself. Physically I feel awful. Every part of my body hurts tremendously. The large amounts of opiates and narcotics don't seem to be helping at all. It hurts to exist right now. Nothing stops the pain so I'm just trying to distract my mind. I'll be playing Mafia but otherwise am not likely to be around much for a while. You can find me on slack or Skype or fb or my cellphone if you have that information. Love you AF

[Jesster]

I'm trying to keep myself distracted today. If I don't, I will start thinking. I don't need that at all right now. There's too many terrible things to think about.

[LadyForCamus]

I have to say this to get it off my chest. Please, no one feel obligated to respond.
I've just got to get it out there somewhere because I haven't mentioned anything to anyone IRL besides my husband.

I saw the dermatologist for a routine skin check yesterday morning; they used this scanner/camera thing called MelaFind (which was pretty cool actually). It rates skin abnormalities with a numeric score that can help diagnose melanoma. Doctor came back in after the procedure and informed me that I have one dysplastic mole that has to come off (potential to turn into melanoma at some point) and another one that got a very bad score from the MelaFind that needs to be checked for malignancy...

He said it so causally that I didn't even feel alarmed, or even ask that many questions. He might as well have been telling me I'm going to have a cup of tea later. Now I'm sitting home like...WTF just happened? Did this guy just tell me at 24 weeks pregnant that I might have cancer? How the fuck am I supposed to process this? I feel fine. My baby is fine. I'm gaining the appropriate amount of weight. And...none of these facts are necessarily evidence or indicators of good health, I know.

On the one hand, I can't sit here for a week (biopsy is next Friday) crying and losing sleep, assuming some awful worst case scenario when the damn thing could be completely benign, or at such an early stage that it's completely curable with excision. My family needs me at my best right now; I can't afford to wallow. But on the other hand, I don't want to be that willfully naive person who thinks, "well, obviously it's not metastatic cancer, because, ya know...I'm special, and I'm not willing to consider such a thing." That attitude is just as bad.

I haven't told my family as I don't want to make my mom's life a living hell of worry for two weeks over nothing. So, now I'm just sitting on my ass waiting until next Friday, venting to you guys, and trying to figure out how to functionally sit on this for 7 days.

Thanks for listening everyone, hugs and love. [emoji8]

[account_inactive]

I'm feeling alright.

[Crossless2.0]

LFC, I'm hoping for the best. Hang tough!