To kill a mocking depression

[Goosebump]

It is very hard to describe. I think it's extremely hard for anyone who hasn't actually had depression to truly understand it.

It's not like being sad. It's not like being down, or having a bad day. At its worst, it's like your body screaming for death. Your mind begging for release, for this sorry existence full of suffering to end. It's like mental torture. It's a kind of pain like no other, that hits you in the most vulnerable places.

I talk about my depression like its an entity unto itself. That's how it feels. A parasite that has invaded by brain, but which disguises itself. As it has access to all my thoughts, it can pretend that the irrational, dark thoughts it sends me are my "real thoughts". It twists things, emotionally manipulates me, and can consume me. At my worst, I felt like I had about 5% of "me" still inside. The rest was the depression, saying "kill yourself". And it knows how to make it seem like an appealing idea.

It's like living between two worlds, where one of them has all the colour and feeling drained out, and is replaced with misery and torment. Some days I'm more in the same world as the non-depressed people, sometimes I'm straddling, and at my worst I'm sucked right into the other world. I'm pleased to say that the latter days have been very rare for a while, but that's a recent development following therapy and a lot of hard work.

I don't think anyone on the outside can truly understand (that's not an insult, it's just how it is) but people can sure as hell try to understand. My wife does an amazing job. All I can say is listen to depressed people, and take their words for what they are, and don't try and fit them into "your world". Don't try and put it down to something else, or compare it with "being down in the dumps". That's the worst thing you can do.

I can say for a certain that I'll never conflate depression with "being down in the dumps" or a "bad day" ever. Thanks to you. If you feel like it I have more questions. If not no worries.

You say "It's a kind of pain like no other, that hits you in the most vulnerable places." I take it you don't mean physical? Or are there physical manifestations as well?


I really liked your description of a parasite. So it talks to you in your own voice? Like I have an internal monologue, I assume most do, but with your depression it can edit the script of that monologue and fuck with it? Or is it a secondary voice?

Does Reason help? Or can it's arguments just run you in circles?