To kill a mocking depression

[Goosebump]

Thanks very much mamacita I like yours very much too, I'm always interested to hear different perspectives and how others' experiences relate to mine.

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Wow, so it's like having another personality only that other personality is basically your twin but a total jerk. So is the only way to identify the jerk from yourself external help? At least in your case?

If not what clues did you find to differentiate your normal thoughts from the depressed ones?

You said they have a flood of emotion with them. Is that chemical? Is that where anti-depressants can come on? 

Also if you take them does it does remove the emotion from the parasites voice but you still have the voice? Wow that's super creepy.

That's a good way of describing it, yes. It's like an evil alter ego. It's hard to remember exactly what led me to recognise it. I think most of the credit goes to my wife, for trying so hard with me to analyse my thoughts. But doing it on your own would be extremely hard I think. You need an objective voice of reason. In many cases this will be professional help for sure. I've had a lot of it, to get where I am.

The clues came by identifying the warped logic the thoughts were using. It was off base. It had some credibility, but always elements of flawed reasoning. It was so much harder at my worst, because almost all my thoughts were like this. They seemed like the norm. It's only as I got better that I could see a contrast, when I started having more healthy thoughts again. I'll be interested to hear how well others relate to this, whether they'd describe it the same way. I don't presume to be a spokesperson for depressed people. I can only talk from experience, and from others I have discussed it with.

The emotion it brings... very hard to explain. The thoughts trying to get me to leave my wife and such, came with a big wave of "motivation", like the parasite was trying to short circuit me and to get me to act before I'd thought about it properly. It also cast dispersions on all the rational thoughts we had developed (my wife and I), telling me I don't really believe them. It was hijacking my sense of belief, that's about the best way I could describe it. Telling me what I believe, regardless of why.

Anti depressants have been crucial for me. I understand people's reluctance to take them. They are serious business. But if they return something of a normal life, I think it's worth it. The way I see them is they give you enough strength to help yourself. Without them, I was drowning. They got my head above water, so I was at least able to "breathe", and to put my efforts into helping myself, rather than simply surviving one moment to the next. I'm still on a very high dose, and I don't dare reduce it yet. It's not long ago I had a terrible episode where I was frantically suicidal, I truly believe I would have killed myself had I gotten the chance.

When I'm doing relatively well, my depression sits in the corner grumbling, like a kid who isn't getting his own way. He doesn't try and attack me too much, because I see it coming. However, when I become vulnerable for any reason, it leaps on me. It uses my altered mental state to manipulate things, twist thoughts and to try and mess with me. I have to very quickly separate it from my other thoughts, or else it can overwhelm me. The worst part is when I know it's the parasite, but I don't have the energy to fight it, and I feel depressed for no particular reason.

So my further advice is to talk to people as much as possible. Let them help you analyse your thoughts. My wife often tells me, "That's your depression talking", and she's almost always right.

This is all so very alien. My thought out long studied post was eaten so I'll do my best to recreate it but will fail miserably.

So when your normal are you able to reason against the "jerk"? Are you able to have a thought process outside the normal monologue? Or are you actively reasoning against the "jerk" like arguing with yourself?

When your "at my worst" does the "jerk" take over the all the reasoning?

When it makes a claim like "leave her!" does the emotion, this is so weird, is it like a feeling of validation related to the statement? Like if you preferred the one thing over another, you have that pull, that "yes that's what I like" no word feeling associated with it? For example when I solve a problem I feel good about my solution. I feel pride. Is it like that?

As for the drugs, I like the descriptor of the "jerk" sitting in the corner. Does it still have a voice in your monologue? If so is it quieter? Does it lack the emotion you mentioned earlier? What exactly limits it's power? What changes in it's suggestiveness?

Also I wanted to say that up until now I've been a "rub some dirt on it" type guy when it came to hearing "I'm depressed" kinda comments. This is so outside my experience it's totally alien. But I know now I'll never see it that way again. Thanks for that.