Maybe I never was a Christian?

[Polaris]

Wouldn't that be like saying that you swam in the ocean later to say that you don't believe oceans exist?

I desperately wanted it to be true. I convinced myself that it was real. I was standing in the desert pretending I was in the ocean.

So you only thought you could speak in tongues (?) because otherwise it would just be some nut speaking in gibberish to himself.