Hello. I'm from Indonesia, the largest Moslem country in the world (I'm not proud). I think it'll be nice to tell my story here. I'm sorry if my English isn't good, it's not my first language.
Despite living in the Moslem world, I came from generations of Christians; Protestant, to be exact. My ancestors came from eastern part of the country, which are more heavily influenced by Portuguese and Dutch. Ages ago, that part of my country was ripe with herbs and spices, and you know how European thought of them in the age of discovery. Maybe half of my family are now living in Nederland and very proud of it, despite the Dutch were only care about their spices. It is considered as a achievement if you have some sort of connections with Nederlands, no matter how superficial it is.
But now I live in Java island, western part of the country which majorly Islam. I live in a big city where everything is kinda loose. People don't judge you if you choose not to do your religion rituals. Basically, you're free to do (or not to do) everything as you please, as long as you're not a family member lol. After got here, my mother became utterly religious. She went to Protestant church (because going to other flavor of church will upset other family member), but got involved in a very charismatic - pentecostal meetings. I guess she found some resemblance of strength in it, because she's alone in this city, her brothers are in another cities, and my father turned out to be a very insecure, jealous, and abusive man. It was hard. We lived in a very small rented house, she's the only one who's working (part of it was her fault. She asked my father to quit his sailing job), and on top of that, my father is this hulking strong angry man. I learned from a very young age about futility. I grew up thinking that I'm good for nothing, my birth was a mistake, everything I do will turn to shit.
I am also gay. Just perfect. Lol. From the very beginning though, my mom shaped me into a Christian man. She only tell me Bible stories before I went to bed. I never know any fairy tale or superhero except the one angry god who punishes everyone without mercy (kinda like my Dad). I was known in the family as this sweet sweet kid. Effeminate but sweet little boy who was easily cry. Beside church, my mom would take me to her charismatic meetings which believed the world will end at year 2000 lol. I remember the leader of those meetings ask my mom to throw away my one and only favorite Batman T-shirt (I liked it because Batman's muscles are drawn very detailed), because Batman has horns (which are actually ears), ergo, he's the DEVIL. Christians are stupid. My life will be about Jesus, angry god of the Old Testaments, masses, and unhappy poor family.
Then, something changed. Really slow but it worked toward my ultimate atheism. In elementary school's library, I found a series of books which are illustrated beautifully about Greek mythology. I picked one about Dionysus. If you know his story, it almost very similar with Jesus. Then, about Hercules which almost like Samson. Then, The Great Flood. At 12 years old, my critical thinking started to ticked. I developed a crazy taste for reading about this magical and wonderful world of Greek mythology. How this god born, how that god born, how seasons were made, why planets named after these characters, how different everything is from the watered down version I was familiar with till then (The Bible). I never confront anyone about this similarities to anyone, I just sort of know that these are not real histories, they are made to convey messages to the old world people. I started to read history, about the people who made these stories, and how it was older than the Bible. I opened a door and it leads to another doors. It was a wonderful journey. I read and read and my imagination ran wild, probably to cope with things at home.
This journey was halted a bit when I was in highschool. As I told you, I didn't have a great respect of myself, so I made myself a people pleaser. My mom wanted me to participate in this youth charismatic meetings, so I went. My dad want me to go to regular church, so I also did that. I can't say no. Who did I think I was? A person? Don't be ridiculous. But I was becoming this Jesus freak in highschool. I shut down my critical thinking and hobbies, because everything beside the bible is from the devil. I truly believed that my homosexuality is because there's a devil inside of me, so my charismatic church tried to pray the gay away with smoke and mirrors, singing and speaking in tongues, all that hogwashes.
But in college and then work (I work as an illustrator and sometimes write), the doors which I opened long ago when I was in elementary school can't stop to be opened. I became really care about what's real and what's not real. Internet helps. I slowly leaving church and Christians' clashes of dogmas and everything's just cleared up!! It's amazing really, living without that stupid fog. I become more compassionate and positive, knowing that this life is all I got. I'm HIV positive (which I got when I still in the closet devout Christian lol), but the greatness of medical world enabling me to live as normal as I can. I regularly CrossFit, enjoy my time with people I care (my mom still sad that I don't go to church anymore), and I have a sexy French pharmacist as a lover who knows my condition but still loving me lol. My live today is the best that I have, after I left god behind.
Despite living in the Moslem world, I came from generations of Christians; Protestant, to be exact. My ancestors came from eastern part of the country, which are more heavily influenced by Portuguese and Dutch. Ages ago, that part of my country was ripe with herbs and spices, and you know how European thought of them in the age of discovery. Maybe half of my family are now living in Nederland and very proud of it, despite the Dutch were only care about their spices. It is considered as a achievement if you have some sort of connections with Nederlands, no matter how superficial it is.
But now I live in Java island, western part of the country which majorly Islam. I live in a big city where everything is kinda loose. People don't judge you if you choose not to do your religion rituals. Basically, you're free to do (or not to do) everything as you please, as long as you're not a family member lol. After got here, my mother became utterly religious. She went to Protestant church (because going to other flavor of church will upset other family member), but got involved in a very charismatic - pentecostal meetings. I guess she found some resemblance of strength in it, because she's alone in this city, her brothers are in another cities, and my father turned out to be a very insecure, jealous, and abusive man. It was hard. We lived in a very small rented house, she's the only one who's working (part of it was her fault. She asked my father to quit his sailing job), and on top of that, my father is this hulking strong angry man. I learned from a very young age about futility. I grew up thinking that I'm good for nothing, my birth was a mistake, everything I do will turn to shit.
I am also gay. Just perfect. Lol. From the very beginning though, my mom shaped me into a Christian man. She only tell me Bible stories before I went to bed. I never know any fairy tale or superhero except the one angry god who punishes everyone without mercy (kinda like my Dad). I was known in the family as this sweet sweet kid. Effeminate but sweet little boy who was easily cry. Beside church, my mom would take me to her charismatic meetings which believed the world will end at year 2000 lol. I remember the leader of those meetings ask my mom to throw away my one and only favorite Batman T-shirt (I liked it because Batman's muscles are drawn very detailed), because Batman has horns (which are actually ears), ergo, he's the DEVIL. Christians are stupid. My life will be about Jesus, angry god of the Old Testaments, masses, and unhappy poor family.
Then, something changed. Really slow but it worked toward my ultimate atheism. In elementary school's library, I found a series of books which are illustrated beautifully about Greek mythology. I picked one about Dionysus. If you know his story, it almost very similar with Jesus. Then, about Hercules which almost like Samson. Then, The Great Flood. At 12 years old, my critical thinking started to ticked. I developed a crazy taste for reading about this magical and wonderful world of Greek mythology. How this god born, how that god born, how seasons were made, why planets named after these characters, how different everything is from the watered down version I was familiar with till then (The Bible). I never confront anyone about this similarities to anyone, I just sort of know that these are not real histories, they are made to convey messages to the old world people. I started to read history, about the people who made these stories, and how it was older than the Bible. I opened a door and it leads to another doors. It was a wonderful journey. I read and read and my imagination ran wild, probably to cope with things at home.
This journey was halted a bit when I was in highschool. As I told you, I didn't have a great respect of myself, so I made myself a people pleaser. My mom wanted me to participate in this youth charismatic meetings, so I went. My dad want me to go to regular church, so I also did that. I can't say no. Who did I think I was? A person? Don't be ridiculous. But I was becoming this Jesus freak in highschool. I shut down my critical thinking and hobbies, because everything beside the bible is from the devil. I truly believed that my homosexuality is because there's a devil inside of me, so my charismatic church tried to pray the gay away with smoke and mirrors, singing and speaking in tongues, all that hogwashes.
But in college and then work (I work as an illustrator and sometimes write), the doors which I opened long ago when I was in elementary school can't stop to be opened. I became really care about what's real and what's not real. Internet helps. I slowly leaving church and Christians' clashes of dogmas and everything's just cleared up!! It's amazing really, living without that stupid fog. I become more compassionate and positive, knowing that this life is all I got. I'm HIV positive (which I got when I still in the closet devout Christian lol), but the greatness of medical world enabling me to live as normal as I can. I regularly CrossFit, enjoy my time with people I care (my mom still sad that I don't go to church anymore), and I have a sexy French pharmacist as a lover who knows my condition but still loving me lol. My live today is the best that I have, after I left god behind.
