Happiness level after embracing atheism

[Lek]

Honestly, I struggle.  I cannot honestly say I am happier.  I am more mindful, and more aware, and more open to new information.  I feel like I am able to understand many things more fully, but this actually leads me to quite a bit more suffering.  Back when I could pass everything off as Gods plan, I could grieve with an odd sense of joy underlining it (kind of sick, looking back).  But now, I just grieve....like, for everything.  There is this strange duality to the world I never knew before.  I feel wonder and awe and joy at life, the universe, and everything.  I sing and dance, kiss and hug my family, laugh and cry with joy. But underneath it I have this constant sense of grief that it is all temporary and, in the grandest scheme of things, kind of meaningless. (I know theists will attack this, and I know that many atheists do not experience these, but I do.)  I think if I had been raised without religion, I would not have these issues, this is all a result of me having to learn how to discard the illusions of religion and the false crutches of prayer and magic, and accept reality.

I'm doing things in an attempt to overcome all of this.  I've started Dialectical behavior therapy, which focuses on mindfulness and radical acceptance, something I actually feel is helping.  I've delved into reading the Tao (not the spiritual mumbo jumbo, but more of the philosophy of acceptance, living in the now, and meditation to supplement the therapy).

I am still very anxious and have dark moods, but I am able to embrace them, accept things, and move on more quickly now.  Still, every day is a struggle. Growing up in a deeply religious household, going to a private Catholic school for so long, I was never given any real tools to deal with the real world.  Prayer, or giving things up to god, are clearly pretty effing useless now that I know that is all BS.  So I feel a bit like I've been dumped in an ocean without ever having been taught to swim.

I have always been an extremely empathetic person, but now all the pain I feel when I see or imagine the suffering of others is harder to channel.  I cannot participate in a lot of things because I find them emotionally overwhelming.

In the end, I am still glad to have shed the fairy tale, but embracing reality is really a chore for me, sometimes.

Sounds like you may be clinically depressed, but did you ever stop to think that it may be the catholic church, and not Christ and christianity, that was the cause of your problems? Why do you have to go to therapy to be able to accept an atheistic world? Maybe it's because the world really is meaningless without God.