The New Bible

[FebruaryOfReason]

Brothers! Sisters! I have been privileged to receive the true Word of God!

The first revelation came to me this very day. I will be revealing the Word as it is given to me. I do not know how long God will continue to favour me with His wisdom. But you can start sending money right away. (And the best news is that if you are a nubile and gullible young woman, there is a fast track to salvation! Simply private message me with undressed full-length photo for details.)

Let the revelation begin.

Chapter 1.
1. In the beginning, there was nothing. And darkness reigned over the face of the deep.
2. There’s been a lot of smack talked about this, so let’s get it straight this time. It is definitely plausible that some anthropomorphic being was there before anything else, and had a head and legs and toenails and lungs and stuff, even though there was nothing to breathe at that point.
3. Definitely more plausible than all matter proceeding from a point of pseudo-infinite density as a result of infinite iterations of probability functions, at any rate.
4. And this guy who was there was called Derek.
5. On the first day, Derek made the heavens and the earth. No one stopped to ask him how the day could have started before there was an Earth on which the first day could dawn, or a Sun to dawn it, or any of that stuff. Maybe he sort of made a globe and a sun first and then the day started while he was colouring in the mountains? How could they ask anyway? They didn’t exist yet.
6. Thus He was saved from distracting questions while He went about His wondrous creation.
7. On the second day, He made the seas, and the land, and the oil. And lo, He decided to put all the oil under a bunch of lands He had set aside for the most warlike tribes. Just to make the future interesting.
8. On the third day, Derek made Man in his own image, and did call him Bjorn. And He gave Bjorn free will, saying unto him “Don’t worry that although I’ve been around for Eternity, I am using a markedly Indo-European sentence structure. You can have eternal happiness as long as you never exercise that free will I gave you”.
9. And Bjorn did point to his free will and say: “What, this thing? What have I got to use it on anyway?”
10. So on the fourth day, Derek made woman.
11. And he spent quite a bit of time testing that her ass was nice and firm and her boobs pointy. Just to be sure.
12. And Derek did say to Bjorn, “I have made a companion for you, and named her Sharon. Lo, now let’s see if you can avoid exercising your free will on her. The future happiness of humanity is at stake.”
13. And Bjorn did wail at the Lord, and gnash his teeth, and cry “But Lord, what is the point of you giving me something I cannot use on pain of being cast out from heaven, and placing such temptation in my way?”
14. And Bjorn was unable to resist the ass and the boobies of Sharon. For they were the Lord Derek's creation, and even the atheists (whom Derek would create subsequently, specifically to point out all the holes in His creation) had to admit that Derek did good work sometimes. And there was some further heavy-handed imagery about serpents and gardens and a peachy-type fruit which we need not go into here.
15. And so it came to pass that Bjorn knew Sharon. And the Lord Derek did find this out, because He is everywhere, in Bjorn’s mind too but not in his free will.
16. And Bjorn was thinking with his will.
17. But the Lord Derek saw him knowing Sharon anyway. And he did cast Bjorn out of paradise.
18. And the Lord Derek saith unto Bjorn, “Your free will has violated my prohibition. Henceforth, Sharon shall get the house, and the car, and the dog, and thou shalt pay an tribute to her each month, even unto the third generation, tho she be a proud independent woman who don’t need no man.”
19. And Bjorn wept.

Kneel and praise Derek! For he has spoken through me! I am the chosen one!

[FebruaryOfReason]

OK, this isn't getting me many followers is it. How can I make it work?
I know. I'll invent some rituals that let men dress up in women's clothing - that should attract the transvestites.
Now, what can I do to get women interested?

Oh hang on, I can feel another revelation coming. Excuse me...

Chapter 2:
1. And after Bjorn was cast out, Derek did spend most of his time ogling Sharon, for indeed he was all powerful, and he could safely admit that he had done brilliant work on her without fear of seeming arrogant, as he himself had no eternal judge to worry about.
2. So he visited Sharon, in her garden. Many times
3. And Sharon did cry out to the Lord Derek in her passion, saying "Oh Lord, thou art really, REALLY big and powerful. But if I am to be known, in my garden, by you for eternity whenever thou so desire, then I'm afraid there's got to be something in it for me."
4. And Derek did smite his brow and declare "Bloody women, they always want more, don't they?".
5. But as he had cast out Bjorn, there was no one to hear his bitching.
6. And he realised that as he had already cast Bjorn out and set a precedent by giving his stuff to Sharon, he had trapped himself, and could not go back without admitting fallibility, which as Lord, he could not afford to do, no, not at all.
6. So he sat down with Sharon, and said "How about this, m'kay? As thou are an ungrateful beast to him who made you, I shall cast you out to be with Bjorn again. But if Bjorn or his brothers (whom I have caused to appear without any explanation of their origin) should displease thou or any of thy sisters (ditto), henceforth, thou shalt be able to claim an DIVORCE, and take half of the stuff of Bjorn, and his brothers, and their brothers brothers, forever and ever, Amen.
7. And Derek's solution did please Sharon mightily.

[robvalue]

I'm not familiar with some of the characters but it all looks fine to me.

I'm a fat middle aged man who does fake martial arts in his kitchen. Can I still join?

[FebruaryOfReason]

I'm not familiar with some of the characters but it all looks fine to me.

I'm a fat middle aged man who does fake martial arts in his kitchen. Can I still join?

Some of these stories may have appeared in earlier, inferior texts. But this is the final word. God has just told me.

About membership; verily we still are prioritizing nubile young ladies at the moment, but as we don't seem to be getting many yet, thou art welcome.
Maybe if we got a few swords and camels together, we could chop up anyone who refused to believe?
Maybe that's the way forward for eternal truth?

[robvalue]

Ah! That sounds like a plan.

I have some experience doing that with one of those old, fake religions.

Man, I could have swore it was real. Sorry guys!

[FebruaryOfReason]

Another chapter coming through.

Chapter 3
1. And lo it came to pass that 3000 years ago there lived an righteous man called NOWAY. And Noway was 500 years old.
2. And the Lord saith unto Noway, thou art a righteous man, and everyone else is an arsehole. So I am going to establish a tradition of mass murder by killing everyone except you. This will provide my followers with a bit of a problem later on when Hitler, Stalin and Mao murder millions and someone has to explain the difference between their actions and mine in the context of an omnipotent and compassionate God.
3. But to be honest I don’t think that far ahead.
4. So I’m going to kill everyone except you, Noway. But rather than just strike them all down where they stand, I’m going to do it in a way that leaves lots of difficult questions outstanding.
5. So I will send a GREAT FLOOD to you, Noway.
6. And you, as a strapping young man of 500 years old, shall build a great boat. It shall be big enough for 2 of every animal in the world.
7. And Noway cried out to the Lord;
“Thou must be joking, O Lord! I am FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OLD! Most blokes my age have been dead for 420 years. No man past the age of 85 has ever built a boat of even average size. I need all my great great great great daughters just to lift me into a sitting position every day.”
8. But the Lord declareth “Thou shalt build a boat anyway, Noway. It shall be fifty feet high, and three hundred feet long, and an hundred feet wide.”
9. And Noway cried out again; “But Lord, I won’t be able to fit even a tiny fraction of all the species into that! They’ll all kill each other within the first minute. And have you ever tried to herd 2 cats onto a boat? What the hell will the Lions be like?”
10. But Noway built the boat anyway, because he was not writing the story.
<some filler text here obviously, Dave. Make it really grandiose or they’ll start asking questions.>
11. And it came to pass that 2 of every animal turned up. And they went into Noway’s ark. And there were seven of some. And two of others. And then seven of the same lot, but not in a way that demonstrates that this Holy Book was cobbled together from two entirely different texts. Noway.
12. And the flood waters came from nowhere, and went away just as magically, leaving no trace of sediment or huge piles of skeletons all drowned in the same rock strata as we would expect.
13. And none of the animals killed each other neither, nor didst they fill Noway’s ark with shit.
14. And when the flood waters receded, the two animals (or maybe seven) left the ark and all regenerated their species from a single breeding pair, with the massive incest that would be required from this resulting in no birth defects whatsoever.
15. And Noway lived to be six thousand years old, as is quite common. And he died twelve thousand years ago.

Noway? YAHWEH!

[ignoramus]

Agree! Except the bit about no shit everywhere! That's speculation.
Where in the good book does it say "No shit everywhere?" Hmmm?

[J a c k]

Young nubile ladies? Shit. I'm 30. 
Let the young ones join, but will you cast them out once they're of a certain age? I happen to think age and experience can be worn with elegance and a sensuality that inexperience could never master. Do you need a missionary to go seek the ladies? Can I "serve"? 

[FebruaryOfReason]

Agree! Except the bit about no shit everywhere! That's speculation.
Where in the good book does it say "No shit everywhere?"   Hmmm?

There may have been earlier versions of this story in inferior texts. But this is the Word of Derek.

When it comes to the "good book", I believe the animals filled the story (and indeed the rest of the book) with shit. (Thanks for the feed-line)

---

Young nubile ladies? Shit. I'm 30. 
Let the young ones join, but will you cast them out once they're of a certain age? I happen to think age and experience can be worn with elegance and a sensuality that inexperience could never master. Do you need a missionary to go seek the ladies? Can I "serve"? 

Yes, The Church of Derek has a missionary position for you!

"Nubile" and "young" are all relative concepts. For example, Noway is telling me he is pretty keen on those fillies between 90 and 150.

If you can recruit older women who know lots of interesting tricks, that would also be highly acceptable in the sight of Derek.

Any woman with a clean credit history and a dirty mind would be fine, TBH. I am afraid, though, that I will have to charge a commission of at least 4 out of 5 women you recruit to the church. But there is always a place for those who Pimp in the House of Derek, and a seat at His table.

[J a c k]

Agree! Except the bit about no shit everywhere! That's speculation.
Where in the good book does it say "No shit everywhere?"   Hmmm?

There may have been earlier versions of this story in inferior texts. But this is the Word of Derek.

When it comes to the "good book", I believe the animals filled the story (and indeed the rest of the book) with shit. (Thanks for the feed-line)

---

Young nubile ladies? Shit. I'm 30. 
Let the young ones join, but will you cast them out once they're of a certain age? I happen to think age and experience can be worn with elegance and a sensuality that inexperience could never master. Do you need a missionary to go seek the ladies? Can I "serve"? 

Yes, The Church of Derek has a missionary position for you!

"Nubile" and "young" are all relative concepts. For example, Noway is telling me he is pretty keen on those fillies between 90 and 150.

If you can recruit older women who know lots of interesting tricks, that would also be highly acceptable in the sight of Derek.

Any woman with a clean credit history and a dirty mind would be fine, TBH. I am afraid, though, that I will have to charge a commission of at least 4 out of 5 women you recruit to the church. But there is always a place for those who Pimp in the House of Derek, and a seat at His table.

You lost me at 4 out of 5. 
Unless... unless I get commission paid to me in the form of Old Rasputin Imperial Stouts, bacon, and cat canned food for my kitty, because that shit's expensive.