The Super-Meaning of Romantic Relationships

[InquiringMind]

OK, so I get the part about me being about to decide for myself what the meaning (with a small "m") of my life, and of events in my life, is.  I can do this somewhat well in my work.  I enjoy my work in my physics lab.  I find the work to be intrinsically rewarding, meaning that I enjoy the work for its own value rather than because I want to get something else, like money.  So I feel reasonably confident that I can build a system of meaning around my scientific work.  

But when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm really struggling with finding meaning (and in this thread, when I say "relationships", I'm talking about romantic relationships.)  I've failed pretty badly at relationships.  I've been on many many dates and had seven girlfriends in my life, but none of those relationships lasted for more than a few months.  I've done an enormous amount of reading about relationships and dating, including attachment theory, Imago therapy, PUA, and lots of other stuff, but none of it has been very helpful in helping me to form a stable relationship.  

Relationships have always had a sort of super-meaning to me, meaning that relationships are what makes everything else meaningful.  In my scientific work I've often thought to myself, "What's the point of doing science when I come home to an empty apartment every night?"  This seems to hold true for most things in my life, including sports and fitness, social life, hobbies, etc.  It feels like these activities are meaningless if they don't lead to me to what I really want, which is a romantic relationship.  I've learned to surf in the last two years, but it feels meaningless because my surfing skills haven't gotten me a girlfriend.  

Some of this comes from my Mormon upbringing, in which the whole point of the life of a Mormon is to get married so you can make Mormon babies who can then pay more money to the Church.  Part of it is my anxious attachment style, which makes me somewhat preoccupied with relationships.  

I can't seem to get away from this idea, though:  If I'm just going to end up alone, then what's the point of doing anything?  

But I already know that most relationships aren't all moonlight and roses.  In fact, the majority of marriages are unhappy marriages (which is a topic I'd like to discuss in another thread.)  I have often wondered why people seem to continue to want relationships in spite of the high failure rate of relationships, and I would include myself in that group.  But that's a different discussion.  

The standard self-help guru advice is that I need to become more independent and more comfortable with myself, and to build up an amazing fulfilling satisfying life such that I don't feel that I need a relationship to complete me.  But no amount of awesomeness in my life has been able to take the place of a real person by my side to go do stuff with.  

So the thing that I'm wanting to discuss here is the super-meaning of relationships, which is that having a close intimate relationship in your life seems to give extra meaning to all the other things you do, and that lacking a close intimate relationship makes other activities in your life feel meaningless.  

What do you think?

[Gemini]

...

The standard self-help guru advice is that I need to become more independent and more comfortable with myself, and to build up an amazing fulfilling satisfying life such that I don't feel that I need a relationship to complete me.  But no amount of awesomeness in my life has been able to take the place of a real person by my side to go do stuff with.  

I'm generally distrustful of gurus, and I think that kind of advice is a good reason for skepticism. I don't think it's emotionally healthy to go too long without an intimate relationship with someone. For people like me, anyway.

You might want to consider going to see a therapist. Self-help books are written to sell, not necessarily to be of use to anyone. A therapist could help you figure out what's holding you back. Believe me, there are tons of people out there who would love to love you.

[InquiringMind]

I'm generally distrustful of gurus, and I think that kind of advice is a good reason for skepticism. I don't think it's emotionally healthy to go too long without an intimate relationship with someone. For people like me, anyway.

You might want to consider going to see a therapist. Self-help books are written to sell, not necessarily to be of use to anyone. A therapist could help you figure out what's holding you back. Believe me, there are tons of people out there who would love to love you.

Thanks Gemini.  I've actually had quite a few therapists in my life.  I've had three different therapists since starting graduate school.  The thing about me is that I probably don't have a diagnosable mental health condition.  I just have "problems" of the type that therapy is often not particularly effective for.  I'm now considering seeing an existential therapist for some of the existential questions I've been asking about.  But you all are helpful as well 

And the point of this post was not to ask for relationship advice.  I wanted to talk more about the meaning of relationships, or the meaning of not having a relationship.

[Whateverist]

If you started off Mormon, you've been through a lot already. Relationship is a huge area for personal growth.

[ApeNotKillApe]

A good list of do's and don't's

[bennyboy]

The meaning of relationships is that your brain rewards you for gradual approximation to a successful sexual (read: reproductive) relationship. Even if you don't want to reproduce or can't (i.e. if you're gay), I think that holds true on an instinct level. So if you see signs that someone is developing a committed bond to you, if you get sex, if someone acts to take care of you, etc., you probably feel a great deal of pleasure and validation.

In my experience, NOTHING could make me feel better than an attractive or otherwise charming girl noticing me, taking an interest in me, and being willing to take a chance on spending time with me. And that pleasure started with as little as a hair-flip or a blush. My brain was saying: "Holy shit, this cute and charming girl LIKES you! Dude, you have this effect on this person. You are SOMEBODY to her, you are not invisible."

That's the meaning, to me. Participation in romance makes me feel validated. It adds a sense of worth to me, and that's a powerful and important thing (for me).

Post-text: Strangely, while I love sex, and playful relationships, and tender care FROM a girl, I don't much like spending too much time with a romantic-minded girl. They act dumb, the way they act annoys me, they always need a lot of maintenance and reassurance. Even my wife, who is an intelligent and confident woman, if I give her some flowers or something goes "Gurle gurle durrrr." Then I have to hold hands, walk on the beach, and otherwise not play League of Legends or watch porn: very inconvenient!

[Whateverist]

Of course you can lose your center in relationship too. I was a slow bloomer. It helped.

[bennyboy]

A good list of do's and don't's

ROFL

However, I think being both good looking and supremely powerful will be enough to tap almost any ass, EVEN IF you have little transgressions like killing rooms full of young children. Bitches be attracted to power, yo! and hey-- they weren't HER children! And just imagine what mastery of both sides of the Force can do for you in the bedroom! Dummm Dummm Dummm dum da-dummm dum da-dummm. OOooooohhhhhhhh, holy fucking shit this orgasmmmmmmm!

[ApeNotKillApe]

---

A good list of do's and don't's

---

ROFL

However, I think being both good looking and supremely powerful will be enough to tap almost any ass, EVEN IF you have little transgressions like killing rooms full of young children.  Bitches be attracted to power, yo!  and hey-- they weren't HER children!  And just imagine what mastery of both sides of the Force can do for you in the bedroom!  Dummm Dummm Dummm dum da-dummm dum da-dummm.  OOooooohhhhhhhh, holy fucking shit this orgasmmmmmmm!

It's over. I have the high ground.


I don't even know what that means.

[Rayaan]

Relationships have always had a sort of super-meaning to me, meaning that relationships are what makes everything else meaningful.  In my scientific work I've often thought to myself, "What's the point of doing science when I come home to an empty apartment every night?"  This seems to hold true for most things in my life, including sports and fitness, social life, hobbies, etc.  It feels like these activities are meaningless if they don't lead to me to what I really want, which is a romantic relationship.  I've learned to surf in the last two years, but it feels meaningless because my surfing skills haven't gotten me a girlfriend.  

Having an intimate relationship is no doubt a good thing for your emotional and psychological growth.

But at the same time, remember that some amount of solitude in our daily lives is necessary, too, no matter how old you are. Some psychologists have said that one's capacity for solitude - i.e. being okay with being alone with yourself - is in fact an important marker of psychological health (see below).





Transcript:

A lot of people fear solitude yet the great psychiatrist Winnicott said that the capacity for solitude is one of the greatest markers of psychological health. So if you can develop your capacity for solitude that means that you are okay being alone with yourself.

As Cal Newport who wrote the book Deep Work notes some of the most meaningful things we do in our life add unique value to the world that are not replicable as he puts it. Are operated under the conditions that are complete distraction free where we try to eliminate as much as possible that ringing, you know, from our phone that we have a new text or we have a new email or looking on Facebook and checking the likes. Disconnecting from the outside world as much as possible and get in a situation where we’re in complete solitude that we can get completely immersed and really follow through to completion something in a very deep way. He argues that is very conducive to a good life as well as a meaningful life.

It doesn’t mean because you’ve developed your capacity for solitude that you’re a misanthrope is what I want to say. It doesn’t mean that. That’s a false dichotomy. You can develop your capacity fully for optimal deep work but you can also develop your capacity to collaborate with others so that once you come up with ideas or generate things that are deep you can then share and get feedback and then go back. It’s a constant process, constant cyclical process where you go back and forth between getting feedback from the world and seeing what your sense of audience. It’s very important to know what your sense of audience, get a sense of your audience when you’re producing a creative work. But it’s also very important to have moments where you go into solitude and you embrace the beauty of silence.