(January 10, 2017 at 1:25 pm)Rhondazvous Wrote: Queen of the Quantum Realm in 82 words


Nobody knows where the deadly purple plague came from. Even the powerful Earth mage is scratching his head. But when his parents fall ill,  Jawan looks for clues in places h e’s not supposed to go and finds himself trapped in a world of swirling mists and hostile subatomic particles. He thinks the queen is crazy to put him in a dungeon and then expect him to save her realm from their prophesied enemy. Until he realizes it’s his own world that’s in danger.

Does this blub fly or sink?

The opening sentence is good, but the rest for me just doesn't work.

While reading just this, I have to wonder what is a earth mage in this context? And why does it matter if he is scratching his head? A mage, especially an earth elemental mage is generally not much help in medical scenarios, and if you are trying to play on some "ancient curse" angle then you've got to make that clear. Also, who is Jawan? Just that name doesn't help understand anything about him or what his connection here is, or what kind of challenges he is facing. Similarly the thing about the queen comes in abruptly and really serves no purpose in helping me understand the setting/plot or find any connection to the opening "plague". It seems like we started with a medical thing, moved on to magical adventure, and then jumped to political war setting of some sort.



For me, a good blurb needs to help me visualize and understand the basic premise of the story, it's setting and also I should know precisely what questions to ask going in. In your blurb you can tell us things like what time period this is set in, is it more fantasy/magic theme or scifi theme, and what kind of problems/challenges your protagonist might encounter.

For example the blurb for Dune goes something like "Set in the far future amidst a sprawling feudal interstellar empire where planetary dynasties are controlled by noble houses that owe an allegiance to the imperial House Corrino...", this gives me the context/setting of the story to help me visualize, while also introducing the key players and the plot within the same flow.

(January 10, 2017 at 1:25 pm)Rhondazvous Wrote: Jawan looks for clues in places h e’s not supposed to go and finds himself trapped in a world of swirling mists and hostile subatomic particles. He thinks the queen is crazy to put him in a dungeon and then expect him to save her realm from their prophesied enemy. Until he realizes it’s his own world that’s in danger.

So the protagonist is a resident of magically oriented universe transported to a more 'sciency' one? So magic vs science is a theme yes? That's something the story is ABOUT. Explored in a very literal sense from the sound of it. Could be interesting, but I had to read the blurb a few times just to gauge that.

Communicate the central themes; at this point the details are as not important as the broad concepts and tone. You're trying to convince me that I should care to read your story to begin with.

I think I understand what Rhonda is trying to do with the blurb, namely creating some mystical intrigue by mentioning all these things still unknown to us - raising intriguing questions early on which the reader is then eager to pursue by reading more, is one of the most important strategies in a novel, right? But I agree with the previous commenters that it may be somewhat overdone here, since the questions raised need to be comprehensible enough that I actually *want* them answered, rather than just being confused what they mean.

You guys have really given me something to work with and a direction to take. Yes, in trying not to write a spoiler I made it too abstract. Now my task is not to go overboard the other way and cram it with details. Your advice will help me avoid that extreme as well.

I take it this is the kind of criticism scientists give one another in peer reviews. kewl! It makes me feel good that you respect my work enough to make this effort. Thanks.

I read the back cover and see if it sounds original or interesting. Most sci-fi and fantasy have similar plots, small group of heroes fight against the ultimate evil against giant odds but come out triumphant. If it sounds cliched, I take a pass.

Hope I was clear. If so, happy to help. Happy to clarify if not.

This is probably too long (168 words). Will have to jam the elevator buttons or do it while standing on my head wearing nothing but stiletto heels.

Now, which details can be left out and still leave you feeling you know what the story is about? For instance do I need to say exactly what Lord Elveston's plans are?


Jawan hadn’t been allowed to see his parents in eight years after the powerful Earth mage apprenticed him, and now he never would. They’d been struck down by the deadly purple plague that ravaged Hadley Town. When his master’s magic fails to find a clue to this mystery ailment, Jawan embarks on his own search, and finds himself trapped in a world one billionth his normal size. He’s incredulous when the subatomic particles of this world take him to their queen in the dazzling Quantum Realm and declare him their long prophesied savior. Jawan thinks he can learn something about the purple plague inside this tiny world that his master couldn’t see from the outside, but his search uncovers a link between the plague and the sinister plans of Lord Elveston, the fire mage to destroy the physical world and replace it with a universe of pure energy. Jawan can’t go to his master, but he must stop the fire mage before the fire mage stops him.

I don't read much fiction lately. The last three scifi books I've read were Solaris, the Foundation trilogy and, if you want to count that, Dan Brown's Digital Fortress, lol.
For me it's the central idea that makes me pick up a book.
With Solaris, the whole philosophical premise of mankind being confronted with a superior, but unintelligibly alien intelligence was so compelling that I had to read it. Foundation as well, the idea that you'd have a Novel spanning milennia where someone predicts large scale social developments mathematically over the course of eons was just fascinating.
You can count Dan Brown as guilty pleasure. I read him as motivation for my own writing ambitions. Whenever I read a Dan Brown novel, I am intrigued by the scenario and immediately start planning how I would write one along the same lines,that is equally exciting but actually good literature and scientifically and philosophically superior.

(January 11, 2017 at 3:39 pm)Alex K Wrote: I don't read much fiction lately. The last three scifi books I've read were Solaris, the Foundation trilogy and, if you want to count that, Dan Brown's Digital Fortress, lol.
For me it's the central idea that makes me pick up a book.
With Solaris, the whole philosophical premise of mankind being confronted with a superior, but unintelligibly alien intelligence was so compelling that I had to read it. Foundation as well, the idea that you'd have a Novel spanning milennia where someone predicts large scale social developments mathematically over the course of eons was just fascinating.
You can count Dan Brown as guilty pleasure. I read him as motivation for my own writing ambitions. Whenever I read a Dan Brown novel, I am intrigued by the scenario and immediately start planning how I would write one along the same lines,that is equally exciting but actually good literature and scientifically and philosophically superior.

Yes, I remember you told me you are interested in writing a thriller or steam punk novel. It's good to have an author who motivates you. There'll be times when you won't want to be in the same room with your manuscript. I support you fully and can't wait to see your stuff. Will it be in German?

(January 11, 2017 at 3:32 pm)Rhondazvous Wrote: Jawan hadn’t been allowed to see his parents in eight years after the powerful Earth mage apprenticed him, and now he never would.  They’d been struck down by the deadly purple plague that ravaged Hadley Town.  When his master’s magic fails to find a clue to this mystery ailment, Jawan embarks on his own search, and finds himself trapped in  a world one billionth his normal size.

I think just the above is fine without the sub-atomic queen and other plot points.