I don't have a problem with criticism so shut up

(July 29, 2018 at 3:50 pm)Aroura Wrote: I think that sometimes, people find that I am overly sensitive to criticism.  And it's completely true, I can't deny it.  But it wasn't always true. I used to be good at taking criticism in my job and even personal life.

(July 29, 2018 at 3:50 pm)Aroura Wrote: I still feel the need to socialize, which is one reason I still come to AF. But I feel I am growing worse at human interactions.  My circle of RL friends has shrunk to 0, and I can hardly look at anything in the digital world without getting upset.  

I thought I was ready to come back and interact again.  But now I'm not sure.  Has anyone else dealt this this sort of thing?

Are you finding that you are stuck in your apartment all day in Germany? My husband had trouble learning German left to his own devices and ended up stuck in the apartment all day wasting away and losing all motivation to get out and make a life for himself. It's a Catch 22 because you need to get out and socialise to learn the language, but you need the language to be able to socialise. It's difficult but what you need to do (and I couldn't) is be willing to just talk without caring about how bad your German is.

This actually led to problems in our marriage because I'd come back tired from work and walk into this wall of passive aggression. My husband would be overly sensitive about something to the point where I just wanted to spend the rest of the evening away from him. Except there was nowhere else to go so I hid away in the bedroom getting bored and wishing that I could relax in the evening after a tiring day. Maybe I had used a tone of voice once a week earlier that he had perceived as being too sharp, and being home all day with nothing to focus on it would be blown out of all proportion in his mind and he felt that he had been criticised when I honestly had not intended to communicate that.

The problem is that the brain normalises things. It habituates. So if nothing else is happening in your life then small things become big things. Conversely if you are experiencing a period of real tragedy then you just aren't going to care about something trivial.

It took about a year after moving back to Scotland to turn him around and force him outside again. First by sending him off to do charity work when he couldn't find work. I tried to get him out doing volunteer work when we lived in Germany but it was a bureaucratic nightmare, as usual, having to register to be eligible for to do it.

Even if you are working at home then not meeting people can destroy your social confidence, and with it your self esteem making you more sensitive to criticism.
Before I moved to Germany I was working at home for about 2 1/2 years and going to a meeting every second Friday. My social confidence has never been that high anyway but it plummeted after being at home by myself for too long.

We didn't know about the scheme at the Volkschule when we moved to Germany where integration courses are really cheap. When we first moved there I paid for him to go to an ordinary commercial language school for a month and he is still friends with one of the women he met there. If we were going to do it again first thing I would do is send him to the Volkschule, and also get cable television so we could watch German TV and immerse ourselves in the language. And make sure to get him out socialising with other expats so he doesn't feel alone. There are groups of expat spouses who meet up. I think the one I saw advertised on toytown called themselves accidental housefraus or something.

I've never been at the top of the social ladder, neither as a child at school or as an adult. At school I was that awkward kid that always got picked last for everything, and when I was with my friends, was bottom of that group as well, generally put down most of the time in one way or another, ostensibly jokily... often the butt of jokes/pranks etc... or otherwise subtly, but basically I, and they, knew my place. Walking with them I would tend to walk behind them rather than next to them because I never really felt equal with them... I never felt like I fitted in anywhere and always felt everyone else was better than me. It got worse after I came out when I got even more isolated. So yeah, I'm used to criticism whether it's overt or a more subtle kind, and even in the possible absence of it, sometimes still assume it.

As an adult I'm still socially naive and awkward, but I no longer try to fit in or seek a social life. I just go where the wind blows really, and only really go out to socialise if I'm invited somewhere and want to go... but even then it usually takes a bit of persuasion on their part. I have a few long term/long distance, friends who I don't see for sometimes months or years at a time, then they ring up out of the blue and invite me somewhere, like for Pride on Saturday last, and we meet up and have a good time, and it's just the same as it always was and then it's like see you again... whenever... could be a week, could be a year, could be five years, but whatever it is, it's like no time has passed inbetween... which is a pretty cool way for a friendship to be I think.

Other than that I have one close friend nearby and my family as the extent of my social life. As of relatively recently, my friend and I have started socialising more than we used to, as we've grown closer; going to the pub and going out on his boat. It came as a great surprise to me when he said I was welcome to take his boat out on my own any time I wanted, because I'm not used to that kind of trust and respect. That's part of why I have so much trouble with intimacy... and why I don't really seek relationships any more, after having been burned and taken advantage of too many times; because I have very low self-esteem and find it hard to imagine or accept anyone loving or respecting me. So my friend offering me that was very meaningful for me.

But despite my problems I've still grown a lot since I was at school. I don't care about socially fitting in any more, and have enough self-respect now to recognise a relationship or social situation that is no good for me and to walk away and to recognise what love is and what it is not. For instance an old boyfriend put me down once too often and I walked away, and basically blanked him ever since. And a friend of a friend who was a major game-player, a queen bee type, subtly playing people off against each other etc and very needy and bitchy... basically very manipulative/controlling, whether she was aware of it or not, and after a while of that, walked away from her as well; I have no time or inclination for game-players or highly conditional friendships. Still have trouble saying no sometimes but I'm getting much better.

Now basically I'm much more aloof and happy that way, and that's largely due to my interest in Buddhism. In the past I might have been described as clingy but now I'm about as far from that as I could be. I want my own space, and want others to have theirs, and don't like to be socially dependent on others. So now IRL just as much as here, I just dip in and out of social interactions, and try to maintain a certain level of comfortable detachment.

So what's the moral of the story? I don't know just I guess that I understand where you're coming from, but there are always lights at ends of tunnels, even if they come in different forms than you expect. Ultimately life is a journey of growth and learning, even if only in baby steps or at the cost of hard knocks. For me it's a bit of both, but my current social situation and approach is something I'm perfectly happy with - it's not settling, it's what I want, so ultimately I'm happy with it.

The problem for me is that I work in a male dominated field. Generally only about 10% of us are women and I find that men generally blank the only woman in a social situation. It was particularly bad in Germany when I would walk into the building and not even get to say hi to anyone until lunchtime. Add to that the language barrier. And moving around a lot means that I long ago largely lost all my real life friends. I have one life long friend that has started meeting up for a holiday or a weekend like twice a year. But last time I actually was able to properly socialise regularly was back at the beginning of the noughties.

This is why I took up roleplaying. I remembered that I used to really enjoy playing it. There's no stress of having to socialise because you are all playing a game rather than concentrating on whether you are making the right impression, accidentally offending people or whatever. I worked in a lab once where some of the researchers were using lego robots to connect with children on the autistic spectrum. It was quite successful because the child appreciated the company but it wasn't stressful for them because they could focus on the robot instead.

I started playing RPGs again last year and it's really helped my social confidence a lot. It has created a cycle whereby I also socialise more and people respond more positively towards me. I am starting my first campaign tonight. It made me realise that shared activities that you really enjoy can really help in this regard.

(July 30, 2018 at 9:39 am)Mathilda Wrote: The problem for me is that I work in a male dominated field. Generally only about 10% of us are women and I find that men generally blank the only woman in a social situation. It was particularly bad in Germany when I would walk into the building and not even get to say hi to anyone until lunchtime. Add to that the language barrier. And moving around a lot means that I long ago largely lost all my real life friends. I have one life long friend that has started meeting up for a holiday or a weekend like twice a year. But last time I actually was able to properly socialise regularly was back at the beginning of the noughties.

This is why I took up roleplaying. I remembered that I used to really enjoy playing it. There's no stress of having to socialise because you are all playing a game rather than concentrating on whether you are making the right impression, accidentally offending people or whatever. I worked in a lab once where some of the researchers were using lego robots to connect with children on the autistic spectrum. It was quite successful because the child appreciated the company but it wasn't stressful for them because they could focus on the robot instead.

I started playing RPGs again last year and it's really helped my social confidence a lot. It has created a cycle whereby I also socialise more and people respond more positively towards me. I am starting my first campaign tonight. It made me realise that shared activities that you really enjoy can really help in this regard.

If you ever run any games where I can join in on Skype or something, I'd love to play!  I find RPG's of various kinds a great outlet, too, when I can find people to play with.

This might be a matter of perspective. I find it weird when not criticized for a long time.

(July 30, 2018 at 3:00 pm)LastPoet Wrote: This might be a matter of perspective. I find it weird when not criticized for a long time.

Is that good weird or bad weird?

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@Mathilda/Aroura, I've never really known what you guys are talking about when you talk of role playing? ...whether you mean dressing up in costume as you would at a Star Trek convention, some sort of video game, or something kinky

One mindset I find helpful for taking criticism is not feeling the need to reply to all criticism. You don't need to prove someone wrong or concede publicly that they are right in most cases. Just listen and try to understand what they are getting at, and reflect internally.

If their criticism is apt, you can try changing how you act and see what differences it makes in your life. If it's not, you don't need to shout them down. No reply is the best response sometimes. Confrontation can work well too, but I only would do that if I have am both very sure I am right and have cool head, so that I can objectively discuss the situation. And then you should be working towards resolution, not just 'proving them wrong'. While the latter can be fun, it's just not productive.


I think people have this impression that public criticism damages your reputation... but unless the person criticizing is very well respected I think they will look like more of a jerk than you. And if they are someone whose opinion you respect, it's probably worth listening to what they are saying anyways, because we're not perfect and criticism can be helpful in some cases.

TL;DR:

A lot of the time the people who are sensitive to criticism are very criticising themselves (especially internally)

(July 30, 2018 at 2:51 pm)Aroura Wrote: If you ever run any games where I can join in on Skype or something, I'd love to play!  I find RPG's of various kinds a great outlet, too, when I can find people to play with.

Well our DM just started a playtest of his campaign he has just finished writing. We're using the rolld20 app. We've had one session so far. I could ask him if there's any more space. It's the first time that we've all used the app. All you need is a web browser, mic headset and preferably a web cam (but not essential). The group is very friendly and fun and the style is very much role playing / story telling rather than hack and slash number crunching.