The first Christmas I spent with my boyfriend's (who is recently now my ex) family, I met my boyfriend's brother who was gay. I mean, he had moved in with his partner down in Florida and everything. I ended up becoming quick friends with Kevin and I found myself talking with him more then anyone else (even more then my boyfriend!). After the Christmas dinner, Kenny (my boyfriend) drove me home. We somehow got around the subject of Kevin and my boyfriend said that he was very close to him as well. Then he said something that scares me to this day: "Yeah, Kevin's a really good brother. I love him so much.... It's a shame that he's going to Hell."

Seriously. He said that. This guy is so brainwashed that he thinks that this guy who did nothing wrong in his life is going to hell just because of his sexuality.

Thing is... I started to see things that I found odd. I realized that Kenny's mannerisms and postures were very feminine. He would even tell me time and time again how he thought a male celebrity was attractive. It wasn't before long when I realized that my boyfriend was gay as well. The problem was that I don't think that he realized it or if he did, he was trying to hide it due to his religious beliefs.

That can't be healthy for a person. He has to accept his sexuality before something bad happens to himself or to someone else. So here is my question: How can one get someone to realize what they are doing to themselves without scarring them too much? How can I get Kenny to see that he is gay and that he should abandon his believes and accept who he really is?

Hmmm. . . It sounds to me like you are applying stereotypes to someone else's life. If you started eating fried chicken (to use a distasteful stereotype), would you be offended if I tried to convince you you were black? In other words, I don't think it is your place to "convince" someone they are gay and stereotypes are proof of nothing. I don't mean that to offend you. That's just how I feel. Even if he is gay, which feminine mannerisms is not proof of, do you really think it is up to you to "convince" him of it? That is something that is extremely personal. If he thought he was gay, but wanted to hide it, you're wrong to bring it up. If he has not yet explored that, but may be gay, he has to come to that conclusion on his own. You would, again, be wrong to bring it up. Lastly, if he isn't gay and you try to convince him is, you're going to piss him off. I had a gay friend who used to call straight girls lesbians all the time. She even went as far as to tell my mother that she thought I was a lesbian (not that mom would have cared). I thought it was extraordinarily rude. Firstly, I am sadly a plain old straight person. Secondly, it's nobody's business what I like to do with my private parts.

I agree, whether Kenny is gay or not that is an issue that he must learn to deal with on his own. No one can tell him how he should handle it if he is gay and decides to come out of the closet, or if he is gay and decides to continue to hide it it is entirely his business. Tesla1991 if you know what is best you wouldn't touch this issue with a ten foot pole. You risk losing a lot if you value him as a boyfriend or friend, by the way saying that another man is handsome does not make you gay.

(September 6, 2010 at 11:30 pm)Tesla1991 Wrote: The first Christmas I spent with my boyfriend's (who is recently now my ex) family, I met my boyfriend's brother who was gay. I mean, he had moved in with his partner down in Florida and everything. I ended up becoming quick friends with Kevin and I found myself talking with him more then anyone else (even more then my boyfriend!). After the Christmas dinner, Kenny (my boyfriend) drove me home. We somehow got around the subject of Kevin and my boyfriend said that he was very close to him as well. Then he said something that scares me to this day: "Yeah, Kevin's a really good brother. I love him so much.... It's a shame that he's going to Hell."

Seriously. He said that. This guy is so brainwashed that he thinks that this guy who did nothing wrong in his life is going to hell just because of his sexuality.

Thing is... I started to see things that I found odd. I realized that Kenny's mannerisms and postures were very feminine. He would even tell me time and time again how he thought a male celebrity was attractive. It wasn't before long when I realized that my boyfriend was gay as well. The problem was that I don't think that he realized it or if he did, he was trying to hide it due to his religious beliefs.

That can't be healthy for a person. He has to accept his sexuality before something bad happens to himself or to someone else. So here is my question: How can one get someone to realize what they are doing to themselves without scarring them too much? How can I get Kenny to see that he is gay and that he should abandon his believes and accept who he really is?

And this fellow is your boyfriend? Wow that's heavy. I would say that he has to discover his sexuality for himself. If his beliefs prohibit him from seeing the forest for the trees, as it were, I think you should probably move on. In other words, if he is so ingrained in his beliefs that he can't see that he is gay himself, jump ship. That's not your problem, and it's his issue to deal with.

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(September 6, 2010 at 11:30 pm)Tesla1991 Wrote: Thing is... I started to see things that I found odd. I realized that Kenny's mannerisms and postures were very feminine. He would even tell me time and time again how he thought a male celebrity was attractive.

I'll never forget the night (over a decade ago) that me and my (now ex-) wife decided to break the news to her parents that we were going to get married. Only minutes before we were about to make the announcement, her mother asked me pointblank: "Are you gay?" Apparently I wasn't manly enough in her estimation: reading poetry, listening to classical music and crying at films, and having "effeminate" mannerisms and postures, didn't fit in with her image of "straight male."

Anyway, her mother made a fool of herself that evening (and I, being young and inexperienced, felt embarrassed for her), because we managed that night to still make our announcement-- and yes, her mother was terribly embarrassed. All this because of a very limited definition of her image of a "straight male."

You may be right, you may be wrong, but if Kenny is in a happy relationship with *you* (and you with him) then is there really a problem here?

Years back I had a good friend who was camper than a boyscout jamboree.

He walked the walk, he talked the talk. Every mannerism screamed GAY.

However, he wasn't. Go figure.

Obviously, you shouldn't pressurise him into admitting to be gay (if he is). However, if a situation were to arise which would allow you to have a frank discussion about it and maybe subtly discuss the issue with him, then that wouldn't be wrong, in my opinion. After all, if he is gay, then it's probably hard for him to discuss it with anyone.

I know a guy like that, he's an interior designer, he wears scarfs, crosses his legs, has a whiny voice etc - but he's got a long term girlfriend.

Does he enjoy sex with other men?
its the only true way to know.

Thank you all for posting your comments. I think I'll do what you all seemed to agree on: Just leave it be.

A few weeks ago Kenny and I broke up. For different reasons of course that I'd rather not go into. But basically, now he is back in college over in Martin, TN while I'm in Memphis and the only real way we can talk is on facebook.

But I'm rambling. Again, thank you all for the advice.