limericks!

[drfuzzy]

These are not mine.  I thought that they needed to be included here though!

Ten Atheist Limericks  By James E Archer

I.
There once was a Theist who thought
Evolution was overwrought
Naturalism he said
is an end that’s quite dead
But quite naturally these views went un-bought

II. 
There once was a pagan who posed
That god’s like the emperor’s clothes
The emperor’s bare
and god is not there
As any good Atheist knows

III. 
There once was a fellow named Christ
Who thought we should all be born twice
He said praise my name
or before me be slain
He really was not very nice

IV. 
There once was a Christian of fame
Who said three gods are the same
This “Doc” of divinity
believed in the trinity
But the count is three less than he claimed.

V. 
An Atheist caused a sensation
By questioning god’s occupation
If god’s the first cause,
then let us give pause
To the cause of the cause of creation.

VI. 
No matter how nice it may feel
Life after death is a deal
That should be rejected
for as you suspected
Death, unlike god, is quite real

VII. 
They say god’s mysterious way
Leads to wonders performed everyday
But those with good sense
reject mystic defense
And know it makes no sense to pray

VIII. 
The bible provides you with rules
And you think they are ethical tools
But contradictions abound
and wise men have found
That the bible is training for fools

IX.
To god’s power a nation did sue
For defeat of the foe, but it’s true
That the foe did entreat
for the nation’s defeat
So what is a poor god to do?

X. 
My limericks almost are done
And the rhyming wars almost are won
In reason’s sweet name
I proudly proclaim
An Atheist’s place in the sun

From:  USA Atheists (unfortunately defunct)

[Cyberman]

There was a young girl from Rabat,
Who had triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

[TheRocketSurgeon]

Wow... nice work, Mr. Archer! (For some reason, the mental-mp3 of "PHRASING, Joel!!" just ran through my mind.)

[drfuzzy]

It's Thursday!  Almost Friday!  I think I'll try to write another original atheist limerick.  (Coffee's almost ready.)

Until then, I'll post a few that I have found on the internet the last few days.  


Holy proselytizing’s annoying,
Whatever technique you’re employing.
I have one strong belief:
Way too much of our grief
Has been caused by religion-deploying.      --    Madeleine Begun Kane

====

After class and the ring of the bell,
A Christian said, "You're going to hell!"
To that condemning so vile,
I replied with a smile,
"Thanks, that idea sounds swell!"

"A Happy Atheist"

How fortunate I am to be atheist indeed,
I don't have to pray to any god with heed,
Nor do I follow a religion with irrationality,
Living secularly, I enjoy the world in true reality,
Without religion I am not morally corrupt,
My freethinking and logic do not disrupt,
My fellow infidels may agree with my psychology,
That the ultimate oppressor of freedom is theology          --  two from Brandon Seeger

====

And the rest from Richard Wade:

A preacher who said, “Gay is sin”
Was caught being naughty with men
He said “I’m straight now,
‘Cause God showed me how.”
Yeah, straight as he ever has been.

Ted Haggard created a shock
So his churchgoers said, “Take a walk.”
But he said that by livin’
In Christ he’s forgiven
For the sin of misusing his………flock.

How convenient for any old wretch
To be able--with one genuflex
to have a clean slate
each time sins they create
Theists think they're divine Etch-a-Sketch.

Plus my favorite of the bunch:  

An atheist’s outlook is sunny
‘Cause so much of life can be funny.
Without a hereafter
We cherish the laughter
And savor each moment like honey.

[SofaKingHigh]

There was a young lady from Ham
Who took a ride in a tram
The conductor, who loved her
Turned round and fucked her
And now she's pushing a pram

[drfuzzy]

10/19/2015 additions:

Alex K

There once was a poster named JBrentonK
Who was more than a little cray cray
He posts many words
And reading them hurts
Till your brain is done rotting away.

Crossless1

Persistence is really the trick
As all good trolls learn quick.
But considering the fun
To be had 'til he's done,
I'd be better off tugging my prick.


Mine:
This guy on AF made a claim
He was god because of his name
But this god couldn't spell
His attempts at reason . . . they smell
It was clear that his claim was quite lame.  


A guy tried to tell us he's Royal
To his name and delusions he's loyal
But his posts made no sense
And his folly - - immense
Inbreeding is such a betrayal.


An idjit "I'm special" he's telling
Word salad id'jiotic he's selling
But he's just one more troll
One more loser asshole
What they're yelling is always repelling

[TheRocketSurgeon]

Fag bashers, these young Christian men,
Always preaching and thinking of sin
The loud-mouthed young bigots
Spit hate from their spigots
For fear of what just might go in.

[Pope Alfred]

There was a an old bishop of Birmingham
Who raped pretty girls whilst confirming 'em -
To thunderous applause
He pulled down their drawers
And injected the episcopal sperm in 'em.

In the depths of the crypt of St Giles
The screaming re-echoed for miles.
The verger said, "Gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

A saucy young lady from Cheadle
Gave a dose of the clap to the beadle.
When she asked, "Does it itch?"
He said, "Yes, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell fire when I peedle."

Here one I wrote for a challenge to produce a limerick about a funeral:

"Let us pray for the dear departed,"
Said the vicar, "for he was good-hearted -
Though he'll still go to hell
For the horrible smell
That the old bugger made when he farted."

[Cyberman]

Get it?

[Sejanus]

There once was a forum user I think
Whose mum wouldn't buy her a fancy drink
Pranced off in a storm
Ain't seen her no more
I wonder if she ever got her fancy drink