Things I've Learned From Action Films

[Amarok]

Having you're epic theme blaring in the background allows you to defy the laws of physics .

[Fireball]

Don't tell the villain that you've discovered what he's done, that you've got proof, and that you're going to make sure that he goes down for it while standing in his office.
You'll have a remarkably tough time making it out of the building alive.

Tempting as it is to reveal your hand, just play it cool. Say "Hey, man..I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts. You want anything?"

But don't go to Dunkin' Donuts. 
Go to the police or FBI.


If you're actually hungry, hit a DD drive-thru and then proceed to the nearest precinct.

Isn't going to the doughnut place pretty much the same as going to the cops?

Boru

Back in the '80s one of my co-workers got held up at knife-point one night after work. Since the perps were on foot, he and his friend leaped into his car and drove a couple of blocks to the Dunkin' Donuts, and he slid it into the lot, which got the police's immediate attention. He explained what happened and the took off up the street and apprehended the perps. He didn't get a ticket for the Dukes of Hazard maneuver, believe it or not.

[Amarok]

Never engage Jackie Chan in the presence of ladders 

[The Valkyrie]

If you’re in a fight, especially against martial artists, and you’re seriously outnumbered, they will wait patiently and attack you one at a time.

[Fake Messiah]

What action movies taught me is that there are no gay action heroes. Gays can't do jack shit.

And also talking about shit: whenever you need to save the whole world or destroy single handedly a whole army of bad guys you never need a bathroom break, no matter how long it takes.

Also the best way, if not the only way, to meet a girl is to save her life and that's not just action flicks but drama too, like "Titanic".

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Whollyweird is never original.

[Brian37]

-Doors, card tables, and silver cigarette cases are bullet proof.

-Any motor vehicle that falls off a cliff will invariably land on petrol cans.

-The damsel in distress (when there is one) is never more than a size 6.

-When firearms are involved, bad guys can't hit anything.  Good guys never miss.

-You can defeat ten bad guys armed with axes, machetes, and chained weapons, as long as you have your trusty spoon.

-No one really looks at passports.

-Yes, you can dodge the bullet after the gun is fired.

-If you're pinned down in a hail of gunfire, relax - the bad guy's gun will always jam.

-If you're ever sent to prison for a crime you didn't commit, the criminal who framed you will always be in the same prison.  Sometimes in the next cell.

-The daughter you thought was dead is alive and living under an assumed name in either Rio, Milan, or Toronto.

Boru

Looking back at the TV show The A Team, I love how they never killed the bad guys no matter how many bullets they sprayed.  And even with CHIPS, how the cars would launch in the air and flip dramatically. That really hasn't changed with action movies today. I actually find the adds for action movies today to be even more absurd than the stuff I grew up watching. Now everything to me looks like you are playing an X Box. 

I also laugh at airplane scenes, when someone is hanging out the door of a jet and manages to hang on. Um no, if a door or window is blown out you get sucked out and die.

[Cod]

Guns are really good at sliding across floors.

[Pat Mustard]

How to look very, very cool walking away from an explosion. 

Some of those "walking away calmly" clips actually make sense, Iron Man's in his suit, the Joker's insane, and both George Clooney (in his first clip, not the From Dusk til Dawn one) and the French officer in the WW1 film needed (for different reasons) to project calm in the eye of a big 'splosion.

PS from the OP, the spoon one is completely true in real life too. In a pinch though you can tie a potato around your neck.

---

Any TV detective show the killer is the character who seems the least likely to have done the killing UNLESS there is a famous actor guest star there, in which case they did it.

And in Murder She Wrote. Jessica Fletcher did all them killings then framed a whole load of innocent people.

---

Once the evil doer starts to verbally masturbate the end is close at hand.

"If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat. They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar. So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word."

— Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

[arewethereyet]

*Large warehouse type building required

*warehouses have places to suspend bound good guys so they can be beaten, right before they have all they can take they will have a flashback of their beloved, then they find some hidden store of energy and strength and are able to extricate from the situation using a little bit of cunning and a lot of gymnastic skills

*what will help with above is that there will be another good guy who is on a catwalk and is armed with exotic knives as well as at least one gun that he/she will use to take out the bad guys - this is a right in the nick of time scenario and no one, maybe not even good guy number one, expected it

*nearly everyone, good or bad, is skilled in martial arts, boxing, and/or is a crack shot who can take the wings off a fly halfway across the dark and dreary warehouse

*the majority of the movie will be loud enough to make your ears bleed